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Joined: Jan 2009
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fly4fun Offline OP
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We've been married for 6 years. My Husband has always been afraid to discipline his twin sons (now 16). He was afraid if he did they wouldn't come see him. His ex-wife has always ridiculed him & still brings up that he left them. Enjoys making him feel guilty. Long story short. His boys are very rebellous/disrespectful. Their Mom admits having no control over them. They come & go as they please. Stopped by police re curfew violations. Court truancy proceedings. Mom pulled them out of school & put them in online school. Will not do online school. Have had 2 passing grades in 2 years. Smoking. Have smoked pot. Drink. Punching holes in walls. Threatening suicide. I have three children. I am the main disciplinarian with them. But, they've been raised by my husband & they love/respect him. They've been normal kids. I've been honest with them about their step-brothers & tried to show them My oldest daughter (also 16) has always been an easy child. Two months ago she broke up with her boyfriend - really nice kid. She inadvertantly mentioned how one of her step-brothers friends has been "nice" to her through the ordeal. I didn't know she had anything to do with you step-brothers friends. My Daughter's best friend was also seeing one of my step-sons. I asked my daughter to please not be a part of that group. We had a good coversation. I told her previously that if contact with the boys continued, I would have to talk to my daughter's bio dad & her best friends parents. She said it wouldn't. However, two weekends ago, I found out that while my Daughter was at her bio-father's house. She took her best friend with her & they met my step-son & his friend several times. She was grounded when she got home. I also told her that I would have to talk to her bio dad & friends parents. My step-son found out I was going to talk to her parents. He went home this last weekend & told his mother. His mother left a message on my husbands cell that it wasn't in the boys best interests to come see him anymore. He needed to learn to respect his boys. Because we wouldn't take his son to see my daughter's friend (he didn't ask to see her - but we wouldn't have taken him anyway), he walked the 5 miles to her house (one way) after everyone was in bed - 11pm & back in frigid weather. He had a terrible cough. We were all asleep & he crawled out of his window. And they now "hate" me because I'm mean & talk behind their backs. My husband was talking about having to drive to their town to stay to see them now if they won't come see him. Am I being selfish to think that he shouldn't? I think it would make them feel that they have control over him & make them happy that he can't be with the rest of us - my three children wouldn't have family time with him. I'm thinking he should call them & leave a message (they won't pick up their phones when he calls right now) that first, we love them. He received their Mom's message that they don't want to come to see us. However, they are welcome too, provided they are respectful too us & follow the rules. Should they wish to come visit, please call. Does any one have anything thoughts to help?

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Joined: Jan 2009
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I was married and had 3 kids. Got divorced. My ex husband had an affair. I have all boys - they were very young when we divorced. He would try to get the boys to call her step mom - but he's had a bad track record. He was very abusive in our relationship -and that relationship ended with an assault charge....get where im going with this one? Anyways - i have always tried to be hard on the boys - thinking - i want them to grow up and be responsible young men - thoughtful - caring etc right? We all try i am sure. My ex - couldn't care less - it was his mission in life to make my life miserable - causing problems between me and the kids constantly - we shared custody at first - (they were 13, 10 and 7 at the time) - then he started having issues - when he got charged with assault i was told he would have to have supervised visits until he sought counselling.

My middle son at 13 when this happened - wanted to live with his dad - i didn't think it was safe - but long story short he did. He cut off all ties with me. It was very hard for me - he didn't like my new husband - they didn't get along. My ex wasn't helping matters by making up stories and saying mean things. Then my middle son after 3 years decided to come and live with us again.

the same problems re-surfaced again - and i wasn't on top of them - and let him away with alot - probably guilt - but when i look back on it now - i was scared. I was scared he would go back to his dad's and i would be seen in a bad light. Stupid i know - but scarry all the same. All things came to a head when he turned 18. Up to this point he wasn't making curfew - he wasn't paying his bills on time - he was abusing my vehicle etc. Finally - he started talking to me like his father had all those years before - and i lost it. Told him if he didn't like the rules then he could leave. He called his dad and left the next day. To preface this - when he moved back with us at 16 - for a whole year he wouldnt' talk to his dad - i was the one who got them talking and his dad's girlfriend.

Now i am a piranha - im the bad mom that told him to leave. Im the witch that did nothing for him. He even said once that i chose my husband over him. (i know my ex and i know these are his words). The last straw for me - the lies - he told so many lies that after he left - i was still finding out stuff he had lied about. Thankfully - the rest of the family understood - and even his brothers said - let him go - teach him a lesson.

When he moved back with us - he told us his father had abused him - mentally and physically and because i had gone thru the same stuff i believed him - and the guilt got worse.

I don't think we will ever get back what we lost when he was 13 and left the first time. He hurt me terribly. For months i didn't go in his room -for months i cried. when he came back i was so thankful that i let things go. He treated my husband and his brothers and me disrespectfully and finally i drew the line in the sand.

What hurts the most really? My ex husband did nothing to prevent this - and not his girlfriend either who at the time proposed to be helping! Ya right! I keep saying - just you wait - it will happen to you too.

My oldest son told me i did the right thing. He said his brother was being selfish and stupid and he would learn. I try to concentrate on the positive - but i have to tell you - the guilt is enough to kill your heart sometimes when you're a parent as im sure you know. You make a decision and you think its the right one - but you still feel guilty. I KNOW it was the right decision to ask him to leave. He disrupted everyone's lives - and then i found out after he moved out - that he had been cooking this up for months - which hurt even more!

I am hoping that one day he will see - but for right now he is not talking to me. When i've spoken to the ex - he says - i told you he would come back to me. It was all a game to him - and he has no idea the damage he has done to his kids. Good luck smile


Sharon Unsworth, Pro-Choice Editor
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