BellaOnline Forums Relationships Divorce Repeating Relationships

I have a friend who believes that if you do not take enough time off from relationships after a divorce that you're bound to just repeat the same relationships over and over again because you aren't taking time to learn anything.

What do you think?

I agree. I met my 2nd husband a couple of months after I separated from my 1st husband. And we got married a few months after the divorce was final. I divorced my 2nd husband 5 years later.
I never took the time to find out about me in between the 2 marriages. You know that movie "The Run Away Bride" It's kind of like that. After divorcing my 2nd husband I've gotten the chance to know me, the things that I like and dislike instead of trying to please my spouse. I started taking vacations with the kids and by myself. I cooked the foods I like instead of stuff I hated and was telling myself I liked. I really got the chance to know me.
In dealing with my 2nd husband, he now thinks I'm just to independent...it's not that...it's NOW I know me- what I like and what I don't like. I was a grown woman when I married but now I'm a grown up. Make any sense?

That makes tons of sense Dianne. I basically did the same thing. I got married at 17, divorced at 22, and married AGAIN at 22.. only to divorce again. I never took any time off from men, or dating, to learn what I liked. I had no idea. I mean, it is strange but I was wrong about everything in who I thought I was.

I didn't even know what kind of movies "I" liked! Now I know me, and that is why my current marriage is my last. Had I known me my current husband is the only type of man I could have married. Neither of my ex husbands and I have anything at all in common. Nothing. We were bound to fail.

I do believe that if we don't take the time between relationships we are bound to create the same scenario. I was married for 10 years to a man that i thought i'd be married to forever ya know? We had kids - we had a life - and then one day he came home and said - i don't love you anymore - im in love with someone else. Now -to be fair (as i can be in that situation) there were signs that i refused to see - i had 3 boys at the time they were 12, 9 and 6 -i was going to school to get my degree and i was working f/t. So - to be fair - there were signs i refused to see. Like - the staying out all night - the excuses as to where he was.

I refused to date the year we were separated and even on occasion would meet up with him because it felt safe (ya i know stupid). I was so afraid of dating because previous to my husband i had been in a long-term relationship (6 years) - so i really hadn't 'dated'. Plus i didn't want to parade different men around my boys.

I did eventually meet a man and he used to say to me - i am not your ex-husband! I don't intend on fooling around on you or leaving you. That was a hard one for me - the leaving part - it took me a long time - and alot of fights to realise that he wasn't like my ex and i could trust him - and trust myself. It has been a learning curve to be sure - every once in awhile i have to remind myself that i am with a man who loves me - trusts me and cares -really cares about my feelings. I have made the same mistakes i made the first time around - but i have a partner who was willing to go through that to get to the other side. He stood by me - and helped me to see that there are good guys out there.

After all these years -i still look back on my ex and think - what the heck was i thinking? He has been in several relationships -and each time he says - you were my only love - i don't get it - i never will. I think some men want you when they know they can't have you. I learned though - and i don't let him get to me. Reverting back to my old habits is a hard one to kick - but one i am working on daily!

sharon,
wow, your new relationship sounds like the one i'm in. it's a wonderful feeling to be with someone who is NOT my ex-husband.

i got married at 22, divorced at 36. no children. it's a bittersweet thing, the no children. we had tried to have kids for almost 10 years, but it never happened, and he wasn't open to adoption. so i compromised and decided i could live childfree. well, he decided later that he couldn't live without some legacy (biological), so he divorced me. he had already found a younger woman and married her 3 months after the divorce was final. we separated in april 2007, and the divorce wasn't final until that december. but i started dating a wonderful man right when the divorce was final, and i'm glad i waited. i sometimes think i should have waited even longer because i know i still have some unresolved issues with my ex. i'm still angry and hurt and sad and jealous. but nate came into my life, and i'm glad he did.

i had some time to be holly between moving out and starting a relationship again, and it was wonderful. i did A LOT of growing up. went through a program similar to pathways and learned how to do my life over. started making better decisions, learned to ask for help from my support circle, learned to tell my ex where to get off (that was huge for me), learned that i had value and was worthy of someone's love. i dated a little bit here and there before nate, but leaarned very quickly that there are a lot of men out there who are just like my ex. nate is not one of them fortunately.

however, i'm still very careful. i won't move in with him because i'm scared. i'm so scared of "you have a day to get your stuff out of my house." i'm so scared of giving my heart away only to have it trampled on again. so i'm trying to make sure i have my own identity still. i love him though. he's great with my dog. i'm making memories with him, but i'm also making memories just for me. just in case. maybe it's crazy, but that's the way i am now.

i don't really know if my ex is happy. i wonder sometimes.