BellaOnline Forums Relationships Relationships I feel like I am headed for another heartbreak

In August 2008 I met the man of my dreams.(or so I thought)Everthing was great, we spent time together, I even gave up my apt. and move 100 miles from my family. My family says he is the one, and I love him with all my heart. Both of us have had some really bad relationships that have scarred us emotionally. We both believe in love at 1st sight, but we had been hurt so badly that we were gun shy. When we startedour realtionship we agreed to let it develope on it's own and not let our past hurts hinder it. I was doing great until a couple of weeks ago. Sunddenly the things that we did together that we had made special between us are slowly stopping. He works 12 hr shifts (6 weeks of nights and then 6 weeks of days) I know he is tired when he gets home and I encourage him to get his rest. I used to lay back down with him after he ate breakfast, but lately he acts like he doesn't want me to. He will shrug his shoulders like he could care less, when he was the one that loved it when we snuggled as he feel asleep. He is also getting very distant but when I ask him what is wrong he says nothing. I knwo better. I am starting to hide my emotions so I don't get hurt, and I know it isn't fair to me or him, but I can't help but think this is going to end like my past relationships and I am going to get my heart broken. I am even going as far as to check into apts so if it does go south at least I will have someplace to go. Am I crazy or justified in what I feel? :(

Are they having any drawdowns at his workplace?

If it happened this suddenly, it could be work-related, especially with the economy the way it is. Of course his work shifts sound insane - how does he ever figure out his sleep cycle trading off every week like that? I'd be psychotic and homocidal myself!

The two of you need to talk. But you cannot just leave it to an open-ended question like "what's wrong?" - guys will squirm out of that one all day long in order to avoid confrontation.

Instead, tell him basically what you've told us here. That you miss the comfort and cuddling with him and you don't know how to help him if you don't know what is wrong.

By saying it this way you are offering to help, not accusing him of running away. It is less likely to start a fight and has more chance of actually getting a conversation started.

Good luck!

His company did a lay off in Dec but called everyone back to work. As far as his sleeping he has his routine down. He changes his sleeping habits just before the change over. He has that weekend off. As far as talking to him, he has asked me several times if something is wrong because I have gotten quiet. I tell him that I feel like we are growing apart because he seems so distant. He just gives me a funny look now and doesn't say anything.

Something is up.

One possibility is that things were going "too good" and he was feeling too vulnerable. To protect himself, maybe he is pulling back.

You said he had a bad past relationship that scarred him. Maybe like an abused foster child, he is self-protecting through withdrawal. Maybe he is getting scared.

Please don't pull back now. If you pull back, he will pull back farther. You said he gave you a funny look when you said you felt you two were becoming distant. He heard: "I'm getting ready to fly away."

Like a hurt child, he needs more reassurance.

It could be something as simple as needing space.

Usually, everything is wonderful in the beginning. It's called the honeymoon period. Afterwards, the "effect" wears off, life issues re-surface (the feelings anyway) that aren't so "honeymoonish."

It could be something more, but for right now it's been about 6 months and that's about right. Plus, we're nearing Valentines day which can bring up all sorts of emotions regarding past memories/hurts, etc.

If it's just space he needs, maybe it would help to practice a little independance, nicely. Not that you need to act distant just other interests that you could occupy yourself with for a time until he feels like opening up. Maybe even visit your family for a weekend?

_____________________

Elleise
Clairvoyance Editor

I agree that it could be something as simple as needing space. Don't take it personally or read into the situation. Just be happy and act like you normally do. If it continues then you may need to address it. But give it a few weeks before you begin to stress.

Valentine's Day was nice. He works nights right now, I went over and decorated his truck, (the plant is just behind our apt complex) He came home Fri morning in a pretty good mood. He loved the gifts I hid for him around the house. He is still distant, but I am going to take the advise I have been given here and wait and see how things go. One is I am going to give him his space and start doing things on my own. We have been a little too close by not doing too much without the other. We are always together and I know that isn't good. I will be nice about it I promise.Thanks for letting me sound off, I will keep you posted. Maggie

I pray for your happiness. Please read this article, it may help.

Toxic People, Are They In Your Life?

One thing, without good open communication, your relationship is bound to fail. You have to open up to this man so he will be able to open up to you. He may feel as if he isn't strong enough to do that and men very rarely can open up about such things. Women are blessed with being great communicators but we tend to think we're overstepping our boundaries when confronting someone. You both should feel as if you can say anything to one another, in a non judgemental, hurtful way of course. Being kind and thoughtful help but it's not getting to the root of the problem. Take a night to call him over and calmly explain that you are concerned about how he's feeling, acting, etc. Let him know that this is slowly hurting your relationship and ask him how it would be possible for you both to bring life back into it. This once happened to me and my husband. We had just moved in together and he began to become emotionally silent. One night, I took it upon myself to speak to him and he opened up. He even said he hadn't realized how much he was hurting me. Sometimes people get caught up in themselves. He probably isn't even aware of how much his actions impact you. Hope everything turns out well for you both.