BellaOnline Forums Family Step Parenting Help accepting boyfriends daughter

So I know I'm not a stepmother, but I thought this would be a good place to get advice from mothers that are. I already posted in the relationships forum and touched on this subject.... I am dating a separated man 9.5 years old then me and whom has a 4 year old daughter. He is trying hard to finalize his divorce and custody issues. We have been together for about 10 months and are madly in love with each other and want to get married ourselves. We talk about marriage, children, beliefs, everything and are on the same page throughout. He has his daughter every tuesday and every weekend. I avoid him those days and only get together with him once he brings his daughter to her mothers house. I will see them for family events and whatnot, but typically if its just a day around the house, I'll sit at home by myself...even though its killing me cause I want to be with him. We work together and spend 4 or 5 out of 7 nights together and every other minute we can and its just not enough. We want to be together more. His daughter is very sweet, she gives me lots of hugs and kisses, tells me she loves me all the time, always wants to play with me, and gets very excited when she sees me. She even askes her father where I am when I'm not there. I have no issues with her, just issues dealing with the fact that she's there. I wish my boyfriend didn't have a child and I just can't seem to get past this. I notice that when I do come around her, I am instantly not myself and I become angry, irritable, distant and it causes arguements between me and my boyfriend. Arguements that I start because I'm grumpy she is there. He is very understanding and I have been extremely open with him - maybe more then I should have about how I feel about her. He always does his best to try to lift my mood and be there for me, but it doesn't work. I just feel like I'm in competition with his daughter for him and his attention. I get especially upset if I'm having a converstaion with him or sitting with him and she comes and interupts for his attention or wants him to come with her somewhere. I've even told him flat out - I'm jealous and feel envious with your 4 year old daughter. Stupid - i know. But i just can't help it. Why is this so bothersome for me? Why can't I just accept her as she so willingly accepts me? She has done nothing wrong and neither as he....I'm just stubborn in my thoughts and can't let go of my lifelong wish to not be with someone who has been previously married and/or has kids -- but he is the one for me and I want to get over this to really enjoy myself and not cause any troubles for our relationship in the future once we move in together and move our relationship forward.

It might help to think about the fact that the two of you play exremely different roles in his life.

Yes he loves you both, but not in the same way - you are not competing against one another.

The best analogy I can think of is a track team. My son runs the 100 yd sprint, his best friend does the shotput. They are both on the same team, but will not ever compete against each other.

You want children of your own, so it is not the fact that he has a child that is the problem - I think it is more the fact that he has a child without you. This is a memory that you do not share.

This is another woman's child, and she is a reminder that you did not meet him 1st. But think about it this way; they were obvioiusly not meant to be together and you are. And you are meant to come into this child's life as well.

I can't remember where I heard this:

"Love is the only thing that when you give it away, you get more back in return."

Thank you....your analogy is helpful. And your right about it being a problem of him having a child without me. He is an amazing father and when I watch him, I know he'll be just as wonderful when we have our own. I'm just scared that he'll always treat his daughter differently because he already feels like he has to be more lenient with her since he feels guilty about the separation (and soon divorce) effects on her. He doesn't want his daughter to be upset or feel left by him. She always asks if he loves her. The good news is that I've already had this conversation with him and he totally agreed with everything I said about not allowing her to get away with murder because he'll be unwittingly shaping her into a person that may be hard to handle come the teenage years. He is doing his best with discipline and following through as well as on manners. I just don't feel right doing any of that with her since she is not mine, nor am I her stepmom, so I used to just sit back and get frustrated....luckily he has told me to take as active a roll as i'm comfortable with to help and support him. I just need to get over the initial hump of running away when I know he'll be with her. Thank you for your positivity.....everything happens for a reason.

I will put a different spin on this - i was divorced with 3 kids and met a wonderful man who had never been married and didn't have kids. We were older (in our late 30's) and he is 3 years older than me. I had a difficult ex - and when he met me - i was going thru a messy divorce. We have since gotten married (6 years) and we've been together for 9 years. He has been in the kids life - but he always feels a little 'left out' because the kids and i have a special bond -and i think because they're boys - they are protective of me. So if my husband and i argue (which is usually over them or how im disciplining them) they get angry with my husband -not me.

They are all grown up now - 22, 18 and 15 - but i can tell you we've hit alot of hard patches. It isn't a competition - but i know my husband feels not appreciated at times - and not listened to. AND he hates when they disrespect me for any reason - something my ex husband couldn't care less about.

It has been a growing thing - we talked about having a child together when we first got together - but i'd had my tubes tied so it really wasn't a good option - plus he was happy the way things were. I do and have felt torn sometimes between the kids and him - when i met him i told him the most important things in my life were them - and he accepted that - but boy - i don't think he knew what he was getting into!

Like with everything - you learn as you go along. Nothing is set in stone and with each one - we've learned different things. He is a wonderful man - kind and considerate and i love him so much - as he does me. Through the difficult times i know that is glue that kept us together. Raising teenagers is a hard thing to do - but coming through at the other end - and having your kids appreciate your efforts - is all worth it!

hang in there - but make sure you keep the lines of communication open - that is sooooo important. If something bothers you - tackle it head on - don't let it fester. Be honest and open - and he will understand - i know i did. Half the time i didn't know my husband was feeling left out - but when i was made aware of his feelings - i was able to do something about it