BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Another newbie

I didn't know whether or not to start my own thread or add to a newbie's. But I thought this would be better to introduce myself so others can see it easier. I am 25, about to be 26....married for almost 7 years. Haha yeah I had to put almost 26 so the age would make more since. I was 19 when we married. I never could picture myself as a mom. Even as a child I really didn't like playing with dolls, but of course every birthday or Christmas you would get dolls. My situation is a tad bit different. I have a health condition called cystic fibrosis. So having this disease just made the decision easier to not have kids. My husband is only a year older than me but he never wanted kids either. He comes from a large family, he is #5 of 7 kids. Always had nieces and nephews running around so he got his fill on children quick. We are also Christians and get the whole "why don't you have kids" argument from them. I really don't think its a Christian culture thing though, its everyone. It just you would think our church family would leave us alone about it by now. Everyone is all "you're so great with kids". Well i don't have to take them home either. Then they by pass the whole health issue and say you should adopt. Well no. We don't want kids for one. For two that still ignores the health problems. the health problem doesn't mean i can't be pregnant, its something that's there permanently and effects daily living. I have more patience for people that say these things when they don't know me. But when its people who have known you for years why can't they drop it? Oh the new one that aggravates me is my husbands profession. He is a cop. So now automatically he SHOULD want kids. Why? Does not having kids make him worse at his job, or anyone in any profession for that matter? Some females he works with ask him all the time when we are having kids. He tells them we don't want any. Again with the "but your so good with kids". He says well so I don't want any of my own. Then when questioned how i feel about it...as if every woman on earth has a burning desire to have children....he says she feels the same way, it sealed the deal when i was thinking of marrying her. (as a half joke)....some of those women just think its weird. Even some people he comes in contact with on his job will question him about having kids. Sometimes when investigating or whatever people just talk to him. He tells them the same things. Sometimes its like their attitude towards him changes. As if because he doesn't want kids it makes him a different person and less compassionate. When 2 seconds earlier they were thanking him and thinking he is wonderful for his help. Why is it society makes people think you have to procreate? And if you don't some how your not good enough, or perceived to be less compassionate or "nice" of a person. Sorry for such a long post. I didn't mean to be such a negative person on my first post. But I finally found people who can understand us, and it just all came pouring out. haha

Purplelungs, welcome to the forum. I have a friend who has cystic fibrosis, so I can completely understand how that can influence your decision to be childfree. It becomes all the more important for you to focus on your own health, and I don't see why people cannot respect that.

You will find yourself in good company in this forum.

Not to be negative, but this kind of comment seems almost backwards. Cops see the worst there is in society. Plus they put their lives on the line everyday. The risk of leaving a child fatherless seems much higher for a police officer. So wouldn't that be a better reason not to have kids?

Plus with your CF, not only is there the genetic risk, but it would be so hard on you!

If you were a woman with CF that was aching for a child that would be one thing, but for people to not understand your decision (in particular) just seems- well, dumb.

You're exactly right it is backwards. I guess those that know us think he is such a upstanding guy that he should have kids. Maybe their thinking is he would raise them right and be a good dad. I know he would but that's beside the point. To many times I hear of police officers with kids being extremely over protective, or distant to their families because of what they see. Sadly most fathers get torn up with all that goes on, and if they do have children that extra emotion can make things worse. does that make sense? Sometimes having that fatherly emotion can get in the way. I hope i explained that right. Its hard for me to explain thoughts sometimes. Yes me having CF is a huge factor in no kids. We may have considered it long ago if I didn't. I just couldn't imagine leaving this world without a mommy. Anything can happen, but if you already know time is limited, I couldn't risk it. But then when questioned about adoption after explaining all that to people. It boggles my mind. I just gave them many good reasons. "But you can always adopt" Did you not just hear me say I couldn't leave a child without a mommy? Now with my husband as a police officer...what if something happens to him to. what then? Still there are these select few that will ask us at least once a year about adoption. I just don't get it.

Greetings, Purplelungs - - there are SO MANY people out there who neither listen nor think. They just go through life being swept along by whatever they figure they're "supposed to do." These are the people for whom there is NO POINT of trying to explain anything. If they just mindlessly did something then everyone else should, too. In a way, I tend to look upon them as developmentally disabled. They have absolutely NO ability to comprehend that other people might well have other opinions, other ideas, other needs, and other abilities.

Your illness is a MAJOR consideration. My hat's off to you for having a life anyway. You're intelligent enough to know that children are just simply NOT a good idea for you, and that's that. As for the others, well, diddley to 'em.

Stick to your guns. Make sure they're loaded.

purplelungs ~I welcome you as well.

When I was younger and got asked if I (we) had (or were planning to have) kids I would say "No, but we've got three very cute, spoiled cats". That usually got a chuckle and shut them up on that subject.

When asked what religion I am, I say atheist and they ask me why, I say "Well, I don't believe in santa clause, mother goose, or a bearded sky daddy." End of questions....

It's nice to meet you, Purplelungs!! Don't worry about lengthy posts on this forum -- we all have to release the tension every once in a while!! I understand your concerns with having children and dealing w/CF. My husband and I have never been 100% sure about not having children. I would say we're maybe 98% sure. But for the last two years, I have suffered from chronic back pain. During this time, I have taken prescription painkillers every day and have received repeated steroid epidural procedures to fight the pain. My condition got pretty severe about a month ago (due to a cold), and I started seeing a chiropractor. It seems to be helping slowly. A lot of my friends at church have recently had new babies, and I couldn't pick them up after they got to be more than 15 lbs. So I guess in a way this situation re-inforces my opinions about not having kids.

Anyhow, welcome aboard! I hope this forum helps you as much as me.

Purplelungs, welcome! And congratulations on your good sense, it's too bad more people don't have any.

I knew a woman once who had a severe degenerative disease that left her in a wheelchair. She had a very limited ability to interact with and parent her two children, which she chose to have despite her major health problems. She had hired help, and her husband's major help, since the day her first child was born. She passed away a couple of years ago when her son was 10 and daughter was 7. So now her kids have to grow up without their mother, leaving them in exactly the situation you and your husband are so determined to avoid!

I think you're spot on. You face the same criticism the rest of us do for your decision, unfortunately! I agree with Louiedalump...stick to your guns!

I like guns. haha jk Thanks for all your kind words. Its just nice to be able to vent it all out sometimes.