BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage Advice on finding a mariage counsleor

My marriage is in crisis and we literally on holding on only for our son at this point. I have been married for two years and love my husband dearly. I have recently found out he has been cheating on me for the last 4 months, he ended the relationship and the woman saw fit to send me pictures of him and her together. I now have these images imbedded in my head. We want to try counseling as a step to maybe finding out where we went wrong but I would really like a recommendation for an African American counselor in the New York area. Any help I could get would be appreciated. Thank you

Hello and thanks for posting here. Although referrals can be a great way to find a counselor, a lot of the client-counselor relationship depends upon personalities and other dynamics. One counselor might work for one couple and not for another. My point is to keep an open mind and be willing to try a counselor and then switch if necessary without giving up on counseling itself.

Infidelity is such an emotionally-charged hot button. The humiliation and outrage flood our heads and it's hard to know the right thing to do. The good news is that you're doing step on correctly which is not to rush off to end your marriage without first trying to understand what's happened.

Step two: At least in my personal book, I do NOT want you to let this other woman get the best of you. Her efforts to torment you shouldn't be rewarded. Hard as it is, do not focus any attention on her. Don't bring her up to your husband or ask any prying questions about their relationship. You'll only force him to think about her when what you want is for him to forget about her.

She is trying to break you apart. Don't let her. I used to subscribe to the belief that I wouldn't lower myself to fight for a man. My husband better want to be with me or I'd be gone and I shouldn't have to fight for him.

But you're not only fighting for him, you are fighting for your family. Your marriage and your family. That's different. And I wouldn't let some pitiful loser who sleeps with married men take mine away from me.

Forget her. The odds are in your favor. Men who cheat rarely leave their wives, and if they do, they usually regret it. Men cheat for different reasons. And it usually doesn't have anything to do with whether he loves you or not. He is capable of loving you eternally but then making a very dumb decision based on either his infantile emotional or physical wants.

There is much a counselor would need to know in order to help you past further points:

1. Your family background and relationships with your parents.
2. His family background and relationships with his parents.
3. Your relationship before and after marriage.
4. Your happiness quotient with your marriage.
5. Any changes in either of you that caused him to stray?
6. Any past history of womanizing or cheating while he was single in a committed relationship?


Do you two communicate well? You said "we" want to try counseling so it's really fantastic that he wants to go. Most men refuse to go!

My heart aches for you but have hope. Women get through this all the time and move on to create marriages that are stronger than before. You'll work through the anger and trust issues. He'll learn to work hard to earn back the respect and trust, too.

You can preserve your family for the sake of your precious son, you and your husband.

Let us know how you're doing and maybe we can help with encouragement and advice. So many of us have made mistakes in getting through this type of thing. We want you to succeed.

You asked for a NYC referral. Can you get one through your insurance company? They keep track of the most recommended counselors in their system.

God speed.

Hello

I hope you are okay. There is no point in lowering yourself to her level. I remember I wanted to his my best friend after I found out she had an affair with my husband. I did not hit her but needed answer and asked her various questions in a calm manner after the initial shock had hit me. I will never know if the answers I got are the truth or not but I told her after I had got my answers that I would never be speaking to her again. I still speak to her kids and her now ex husband. We still live in the same town and sometimes it can be hard but this might sound stupid.

You need to remember that no matter what you are worth it and for the sake of your son. My kids know what went on and what is still going on so do the best for yourself and your child. Make sure in your own mind that he regrets what he has done and that he works at it or it will tear you apart.

Good luck

Thank you both so much for your support. It really is hard. I feel so lost and confused, my heart wants to know why and understand how this could happen. I have actually gone to the police and filed a harassment charge against this woman, she will not stop sending me e-mails, I block her address and she creates another and sends the pictures and audio of things my husband said to her. It is just so devastating to actually see this. The hard part is the police told me to unblock her let her send everything through it is all evidence and will help strengthen my case, but it is destroying my soul. They are going to arrest her for aggravated harassment and hopefully this will stop her from trying to torture me. I was able to receive two referrals and we have appointments with both counselors. I will let you know how things are progressing. Again thank you so much for the support.

The police are correct. You need these items for evidence. I'm so sorry that this hurts you. Instead, let it strengthen you. What type of woman can she be to do this type of thing to another human being? What does your husband say about this?

This is an extreme lesson for him. Some deranged woman could be a threat to his family! What was that movie with Glenn Close and Michael Douglas!?! Same type of thing.

First things first. Set aside your hurt and upset with your husband to deal with this woman through the police. Then, there will be time for you two to face each other.

Don't worry and try not to dwell on the hurt right now. It will only weaken you. Let me tell you: The best revenge on this woman is to salvage your marriage and be happy again. Don't let her see she is getting to you.

Best wishes, my dear. We'll be here for you.

The DAs office is being lazy.

My husband does network security for Coca-Cola Enterprises, but a few years back he and a friend that also is in network security did a series of classes on network security, phorensics, and recovery. They did these classes orignally for corporations that were looking to find who were hacking into their sites and recover their lost data.

But then they actually wound up giving a 2 day class to GBI (Georgia Bureau of Investigation) and a few differnet counties here in Georgia that had computer crime untis. These were specifically looking for people like child pornographers were would delete their files and e-mail messages so they would not get caught by the police with evidence on their hard drive. But hubby & friend taught the polive how to recover this data, and how to prove where e-mails were coming from.

So they CAN prove that she was the one sending the e-mails.


OK - that is enough for the physical part of this, let me give you some emotional "ammunition".



Yes, she has these pictures of them together - but did you ever think the reason she has so many of them is because in the back of her mind she knew he was never going to be hers, because he is really yours?

She is coming at you because obviously she is not getting through to him. He is not going back to her - she thinks that if only she can get you out of the way, she can get him back.

What this means is- YOU are the one that is in the strong position, not her. She is the desperate woman.

Think of it like a highly defendible medieval castle under attack. You are the Queen inside the castle, she's the person trying to get in. She has to do the work, you just have to sit back and wait her out.

Thank you so very much for your words of encouragement. You are right and I will try my best to look at it in that way. The betrayal is so hard to deal with some times it just seems to consume me and I cannot eat or sleep, but I love your example of the queen in the castle. I have felt so lost and alone and out of sorts, but coming here speaking with people who know my pain has helped me so much. My best friend and a cop and she said the same thing they are being lazy. She told me to go down to the courts and get an order of protection, but I just do not want to waste my time or energy on this woman anymore. I just want to say thank you again.