BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids from Child-less to Child-free

I have battled infertility for years. I finally talked my dr into doing a hyst several years ago, just so I could have a painfree life. I remember the days I would sit and cry hysterically because I did not have a child. I have been married to my second husband for almost 12 years now. We like our life the way it is, we have become a happy, loving couple again (infertility took a toll on our "love factor"). We can make split second decisions and we don't have to worry about the "kids". I don't have to find a baby sitter, I don't have to cook supper if I don't want to (no kids to feed), and I can buy all the shoes I want! I guess I'm saying that we have gone from being a "child-less" couple to being "child-free". I don't feel guilty about not having kids, we tried almost everything to have a child, it just wasn't meant to be for us. We have a dog, who is quite spoiled - and she knows this! She is a tiny thing that we take with us when we travel. Adoption was never an option for us - I have always had a fear of having a child taken away by the birth parent(s) (had this happen to friends). So, have any of you battled with infertility and gone from being child-less to becoming child-free? I actually find it quite liberating - I no longer dwell on what I don't have and I am comfortable with my life the way it is. I like having the freedom that comes with being childless/childfree.

Hi Knotty,
Thanks so much for sharing. I sort of understand your point.
I think I'm heading towards the same. The only thing is whether my partner is.

I have hyperthyroidism. Although it is not impossible to get pregnant, I am only going through treatment for myself and not to have kids. The doctors told me optimistically that if I get pregnant, the pregnancy can be "managed". To me, any form of complications is just too much hassle. So my conclusion from how i feel about this "limitation" I have is that maybe I do not want a kid anyway.

But I have to say entering 33 years old, this issue is constantly appearing everywhere I look. friends and famil intensify their looks and questions. When I was in my 20s, they told me I will come to change my mind. In a way, I can't wait to pass the 35 y-o- line so people can give up on the idea and stop the pressure.

I was almost 36 and my husband kept hoping I would change my mind. And strangers will go: "it is not too late, I know someone who was, say, 41 when she first got pregnant". Oh God I hated when someone felt sorry for me not having something I did not want in the first place!!!

So be patience :-)))

I heard on the news that a 60 yr old woman in Calgary gave birth to twin boys yesterday. Yikes!! she'll be about 78 when thet graduate high school.... I can just see it ~ cane/walker/wheelchair. My gawd, all I can say is MENTAL PROBLEM.

another childless to childfree here. spent nearly 10 years trying to conceive, had a failed adoption, a few miscarriages, and here i am. oh, and my marriage (14 years long) did not survive infertility sad to say. we had given up trying, but he was already numb to me. was seeing someone else and moved her in the day before i moved out. they're married now (he told me he was marrying her because he wanted a bio child, but i think she's actually infertile too to be honest), and i'm in a much better place. the failed adoption happened AFTER the divorce even. i felt like maybe it was the plan that was supposed to happen. maybe i was meant to have kids, just not with my ex. well, turns out, that wasn't the plan either. i'm just not meant to have them i guess. and i'm learning to deal.

i feel kind of weird posting on this forum again, but so far people have been hospitable even though i'm no longer married. i am in a relationship again with a man who has never been married, has no desire to be married (i don't ever want to again either), and has no desire to have kids. so that, coupled with age, and tossed with a whole lotta stress from work has all worked together to help me embrace my childFREE lifestyle.

but sometimes i still get sad. like when i remember my due dates or when i think of the child i wanted to adopt. i used to think of him daily, but mercifully, i'm moving a little bit forward in my grief. i still think of him often, and when i do, i say a prayer that he knows love and happiness in this life. that's all i can do. *sigh*

thankfully, the good days now outweigh the bad days. i still feel sad sometimes, but not as often. and that's progress.

btw, i have graves disease (auto-immune hyperthyroidism), and before i got it treated, i know it was a factor in infertility. but i also had many other reproductive issues affecting me. i think the hyperthyroid stunk the most though because it affected not only my outlook on life (i felt so uncomfortable in my own skin even), it affected every single function of my body. now that i've been treated, it's mostly stable, and that's a good thing. but when it was out of control, gosh, i cringe just thinking of the way i felt back then. hope you feel some relief soon and get treatment. it's a beating to live that way. or at least it was for me.

I can't say that I relate well to your particular situation, but I do enjoy the "freedoms" of being CF. I constantly feel the need to keep a tight control on my daily life. I usually have a plan and methodology about how my day will go and what my backup plan will be for any daily task, provided something doesn't go right. My friends with kids tell me that once you have children, day-to-day life suddenly becomes spontaneous and unpredictable -- you have no control anymore. This would drive me bonkers!! I also like the fact that my husband and/or I can take off and do something at any moments notice, whether it be grocery shopping at 8:00 PM or making a weekend car trip to the Smoky Mtns.

I also see myself as a child at heart a lot of the time. Traveling is my absolute favorite thing to do. I didn't go many places as a child, so I feel that I have all my adulthood to make up for it and continue to learn about new places and things. When you become a parent, you have to deal with the fact that your ability to accumulate additional worldly knowledge will likely diminish. You become so occupied with passing your accumulated knowledge down to a child and no longer have the time to nourish and increase your own. Parents often tell me that although they make this sacrifice for their kids, they gain other virtues, such as patience and selfless love for their children. I guess there are trade-offs both ways, but I know that my lifestyle is better suited for being CF.