BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Maybe one of the parents here can explain this...

I just found out that a woman I know from a church I used to attend is getting ready to have her third child. Luckily, she and her husband seem like they are actually decent parents (they both have good jobs, the kids are pretty well-behaved, etc.), so the actual thought of her having another one isn't what bothers me.

The thing is, this woman has suffered GREATLY with post-partum depression. Severe enough depression that she actually considered giving up her first child after it was born. I know, that's not such a tragedy in and of itself necessarily, but this is a very kind and Christian woman. She is Catholic and her husband is Baptist, so letting someone else raise the child would have been a great social burden for her, I'm thinking.

Anyway, I don't really understand why a woman would choose to put herself through that again and again. Obviously she loves her children, but if she knows it's coming, how can she put herself through it? Is a person's drive to have more kids just THAT strong?

Just wondered if anyone here had any thoughts or comments on this. I mean no disrespect in any way to anyone here who has suffered with this. I'm just trying to understand.


Sis

Since you asked for parents... I think, for those who want children, that is, that the love of them and want of them kind of kills your memory of such things.

The pain of childbirth disappears the moment you hold your baby in your arms (at least with natural childbirth). The early pain or struggle of breastfeeding fades once it is all going well (and this from a woman who had 4 months of pain). The sleep deprivation of the early years should keep anyone from wanting to have another kid -- but it doesn't.

I know PPD is a more serious issue, but I think even that might fade when you look in your child's eyes and heart and know that it was worth it.

The good news, is that if she knows she has a tendency, there are doctors who can help her. If you are a friend (not sure from what you said) offer to be there for support. I think there is more knowledge and understanding of PPD everyday, and with a supportive husband and a knowledgeable doctor, dealing with that temporarily, knowing it's coming is a small "price to pay" to build the family that is right for you.

Does that make any sense?

Nicki :-)

It is not the first time I hear you say that, and it is just not true. At least not for everybody. I had to go through (natural) labor and the pain was so horrible I was not even curious to see the baby, I just wanted to get rid of the pain. I kept hearing this myth, when I was pregnant and hating it, and hoping it was true. Only when I had the child, it turned out that a lot of people (included my mother) admitted that they had been "exaggerating a little", what they meant is that they thought it was worth it and, after some months (or years) you forget enough to do it again". My son is 21 months old and I remember labor vividly like it was yesterday. I get really mad to hear this myth told to women who, like most in this forum, do not want children, sometimes based on the horrors of pregnancy and birth. Or who have doubts. They should not be hearing such absolutely not scientific maternal opinions from some who wanted a child soooo much from the beginning, to forget labor pains just by seeing the baby�s face. I'm sorry, I heard this "forgetting" story all my life, and when I was pregnant I hoped so much that it was true, that I go ballistic when I hear it now.

Solalux,

The thing is, for some women- it IS true.

You had a horrible experience, and I am sorry for that, but not all women do.

Plus, from reading your story, you really did not want children, but were talked into it - so a part of you was probably still resentful. It might have even been buried so far in your subconcious that you didn't even realize it.

My labors were not easy (well the 2nd wasn't too bad, got my epidural pretty quick, LOL!) But when I found out after my last child was born that I could not have anymore (he kind of shot my kidneys) I was heartbroken. Which was kind of silly, because we had already decided 3 kids was enough. But I just felt like part of me had died when I found out I was incapable of having more. And when they did the hysterectomy - it was horrible.

I do not believe in pressuring women to have children. I think that is a very personal choice that each person should make for themselves. And I hate hearing the stories of everyone on this board that are always being hounded about their choices.

Thanks for the replies. I'm not really a close friend (found out she was pregant by seeing a pic of her on facebook looking like she's about to pop), so I don't just want to reintroduce myself into her life.

And I don't think she has forgotten the depression. I remember it being part of a testimony she gave at a church service once (at her husband's church). She seemed to get very emotional and was pretty detailed in describing what she went through.

I know I would not be strong enough to deal with that. I guess it's just one more reason for me to remain CF.

And Solalux, you are NOT the only person I've heard from who has called the whole "forgetting story" a myth. I know myself pretty well, and I think I'd remember the labor and morning sickness and everything every time I'd look at the kid.

maybe since she's aware of the problems of ppd, perhaps she's been working closely with her drs and counselors and ministers and family to help her after the birth. i know a lot of women who had ppd, and when they had subsequent pregancies, they got help before the birth even just to make sure they were starting out all right.

that's all i can say. i'm just speculating.

holles you're probably right. This woman knows what she's about now. She has two children and she knows what to expect, what worked what didn't, so this time she's prepared, she wasn't the first time around.

In terms of labor, and forgetting about it the second you hold the baby...I had an epidural for one baby and a c-section for another. However I didn't get the epidural for a long time with the baby--the second one and I remember SCREAMING and yelling at my husband who was eating some Ritz crackers reminding me to breath like in he child birth classes. Looking back now I laugh and laugh.

As I've shared I was a reluctant Mom, but still labor--for me--was a blip on the screen and EASY, I mean EASY...even the recovery from the C-section was EASY...Other women suffered, but not me. The vaginal birth was harder to recover from, but still not that bad. And I was eager to see the babies later, but after the deliveries I wanted to be left alone to sleep.

The real challenge is/was the day to day raising of the child, and in the beginning the sleep deprivation and the utter and total misery, but pregnancy and labor were cake--for me anyway.

I went through really bad PPD with my second and last child. I was elated when I found out I was having a girl. My labor and delivery with her was pretty much a piece of cake compared to when I had her brother (I have 2, a son and a daughter). But while I was in the hospital with her things were fine, i felt i started bonding with her right away. When I got home, the depression hit,real bad. I was staying with my parents at the time because my pregnancy was hard with her. Thank God i was with my mom. I don't know what I would have done without her. I got to the point that the only time I touched my daughter was to feed her. Other then that, I was happy to let mom have her the rest of the time. My circumstances though were a little different then most women. My daughter's father broke up with me right before we found out I was pregnant. I got scared and went back to my son's father who was abusive to me. I was still upset with Chuck (my daughter's father whom I am married to now LOL) and being threatened by the abuser already. I was going through PPD for about 4 or 5 months. I seriously considered giving both my kids up for adoption and disappearing from the world. I went as far as actually calling an adoption agency to find out what the procedures were. When we moved from my dad's house, things got better. When I got rid of my abuser, things were even better. I could focus on the kids and really bonded with my daughter around the time of her 1st birthday. Now she and I are "girlfriends" as she says LOL She has just turned 6 now. After the depression I experienced with her, I don't think I would want to go through that all again. Granted, I had other things around me contributing to my depression, it isn't fair for a baby to go through that either.