BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage New here.....and at my last straw

Hi there, my name is Brandy. I have been married for June will be 7 years. 2 years ago our marriage took a turn for the worse and since then, neither of us is happy. We were both in Church doing good until a gf asked me to go out for a "girls night out" with her. From there, it all went downhill. I started going out every weekend. I neglected my Husband and marriage. A year later, I woke up and realized what I had done and in an effort to save my marriage, we have been going to counseling for about 4 months. I feel like it's too late. I know I screwed up and now I'm in tears every day paying for it. I just don't feel like he cares anymore and if that's the case....it's my fault of course but he says he still wants me to be here. I told him today while eating "I feel like a pig" and he threw up his arms and said "Well!". I've never in my life felt more so like a POS than I do now. I feel like we are doomed to fail now. We can't communicate or relate to each other as we used to. We're polar opposites and though I thought that attracted us to one another, I'm not so sure anymore. He is so totally not the man I married and he says the same about me. I come from a broken home and I promised myself I would never do that but I'm mentally and physically drained. Anyone else in this boat or have been? I appreciate any advice...thanks for reading.

HI,
I would keep going for counseling with him. If you feel this therapists is not good to go to, find another 1. Well, maybe you feel that he does not care, because you did not care when you were going out so much without him. But what is done is done. Did you really own up to this & tell him how sorry you are?

We all change & grow in a marriage. You say he is totally not the man you married. But are you the wife he thought he married? You can start by changing yourself. That might mean to go to counseling for yourself too. You can start to treat him very special. There were reasons you both fell in love & were married. Well, it is up to you in a way. If you keep thinking that your marriage is doomed to fail, it probably will. But you can also be the 1 to start over with positive thoughts & actions.

Since you said you neglected the marriage, then you can start by taking care of your marriage. I think if you start to treat your husband real good, with respect, he might start doing that for you. I'm not sure why you feel like a pig, but that will not help you or your husband to put yourself down. If you want to loose weight, then by all means, do it. No one can do that for you. You have to take care of yourself & health.

Talk to you husband in a nice & honest way. Tell him you want to really work things out. You can't change the past. But unless you really owned up to it with him & apologized, he might have alot of resentment. What was he doing while you were out every weekend? Did he bring it up to you, ever? I do not see anything wrong with a spouse going out once in ahwile with friends. But to me going out every weekend is alot. But everyone is different.

If he really did not care, I doubt if he would go for counseling with you. At least he is doing that. Maybe you need to start looking at the positive things in your marriage, instead of the negative. He also told you he wants you to be with him. I'm all for honest communication in a very nice, calm, way, without attacking.

To me it sounds like you both can work this out. Start going out with him on weekends too. I feel for you, because I used to beat myself up over my mistakes too. I admire you for realizing what you were doing & now changing your behavior. Give yourself alot of credit for that. Let it start with you. Start by being kind to him & I think if you show him that you changed & really want this marriage to work, he will come around. It may take some time but you will have to be patient. Good luck to you. Please keep us posted. Judy

Hello, and thank you for posting. You will be helping alot of other women in your situation--women who are afraid to post their own questions.

Anyway, two years is a long time to live with unresolved feelings. People wait too long to get help, and unresolved feelings fester. The good news is there is a road back to a healthy, loving and trusting relationship. But it isn't a short cut.

I commend you for owning up to your mistake. We all make mistakes. Life is for learning and mistakes are past of the process. The issue is that, in the process, people get hurt. Can we move past the hurt is all-important question.

I see potential for solving this because, in spite of the obvious hurt and resentment he must be feeling, he says he still wants you to stay. He does love and care for you. The love is just buried under an avalanche of hurt and anger.

Continue with counseling. You mentioned Church so seek the Lord's help. If you are a Christian, there is a book I just reviewed that I found immensely helpful in these situations: "How to save your marriage alone" by Ed Wheat M.D.

Anyone following this advice surely will woo back the love and trust to their marriage. It isn't easy advice to follow because it involves a lot of self-sacrifice and long-suffering. But you are already suffering. And, you are many steps ahead of others in this type of situation because you admit your own wrong-doing. Everyone, in one way or another, contributes to marital problems.

Please read this book. It is a step-by-step map to earning back the love and trust you forfeited. Even if he should move out (which it doesn't sound like he will), you can win him back.

But it is vital to first, believe you can do this. You are not doomed to fail at this unless you believe it. Believe you and your love can overcome anything. No, you aren't the same people you married. Good. Those people would have thrown in the towel at the first sign of problems. You're going to have to overlook any hurtful comments he makes because it is coming from the hurt you inflicted upon him. Hurt makes people do and say unkind things. Underneath it, he must still love you.

You now are someone who believes in your marriage and who will learn to breathe new and continuing love back into it.

It is a common complaint: "He/she isn't the person I married." Nope. We aren't. We grow and change continually throughout life. We're supposed to. The polar opposites thing...I relate. It can be a huge blessing. Balancing each other weaknesses, keeping the relationship fresh and exciting. But it also can be a point of friction.

Look at it in the positive: Being polar opposites can be a pain in the butt sometimes, but it really is helpful in a marriage. I'm strong where my husband isn't and vice versa. I used to be frustrated because he didn't think like I did. In the end, I was glad for it!

I'm going on and on and going off on tangents here. Please keep in touch. And read that book. It's very inexpensive as it is a small booklet, available on Amazon.com ($4 used).

I know you feel emotionally and physically drained. But pray and find strength in Christ. "With God, all things are possible."

Judy, Lori, You two have me in tears. Thank you for posting. I was beginning to wonder if anyone had any advice to offer. Judy, I totally owned up to it and told him I was sorry and wrong. I told him in front of our counselor and told her that I totally felt like a rubber band being limp and flexible just waiting to know which way to bend to making things better. But I felt like he wasn't doing the same thing. One night we came home from counseling and I had emotionally had it with the "Well what do I get out of the marriage" comments and I told him I had no desire to try and do better when all he did was put it down. He agreed to stop and for a while it seemed like it did but here we are again. It's a consistency issue more so. I know I'm not the woman he married. You're right in that we all change. Going out every weekend with the girls was a lot and it took me a while to realize what I had done....meanwhile...he was being hurt and neglected....ugh. I totally get that....errr....I just don't know...I feel like such a POS because of it. Lori, You said "The love is just buried under an avalanche of hurt and anger". I couldn't have put it better myself.....not at all. That definitely struck the nerve. Thank you so much for everything you said....I am very much so appreciative. Has anyone heard of the love/dare book? We saw the movie fireproof in the theater and were AMAZED. I've often wondered about giving that love/dare book a shot.

I felt the need to share this....so all day today I felt like [censored] because I feel fat and blah blah blah. With Hubby's comment on Saturday it didn't help me and the fact that he never apologized made me bitter all day. I came home and exercised for nearly an hour. Then I got on the computer....read the replies to my plea for help in this forum, and decided I should tell him calmly how I feel so he called as usual to tell me he would be late. I told him that's fine and then proceeded to tell him that his comment really made me feel bad and bitter. He then apologized and I felt he was sincere so I feel mucho better! I ordered the love dare book from that movie Fireproof and I am actually excited to see if I can make some things better. I don't know why this breath of fresh air with regards to my marriage but I'm not going to question it too much. I'm feeling good about it now and that's what matters right?! I've been on such a roller coaster of emotions so bare with me :) THANK YOU AGAIN LADIES!

Thank you for sharing and for your kind words. We'll be here so keep in touch!

I haven't heard of the love dare book. It sounds intriguing. I'll pick up a copy and read it.

The fact that he offered you a sincere apology is another great sign that his love for you hasn't evaporated. So glad to hear it.

Just a suggestion: You're not in the position to make any demands or have expectations at this point. Maybe later as your relationships strengthens. But for now, you have to try not to feel any bitterness or resentment when he makes negative comments because they are coming from his own pain and resentment. Tit for tat barbs will only worsen and erode your love and trust.

Continue to pour out your love verbally but more importantly, through your actions.

People often spend too much time lamenting over their relationship when they could be spending time rebuilding it. DO things that you would do if your relationship were on solid ground. For example, plan fun things to do together. Watch a favorite movie together and cuddle up on the sofa. Tell him a funny joke or story. Cook up his favorite dish. Just start living your lives again. Don't worry about the words or "relating" for now. Just hold him...until his heart softens.

Do your best to forget about the past already. It happened. You apologized. Now, it's time to show him that you're giving him your all.

Congrats on exercising. It will help burn off stress and depression. It will help get your mind straight. You must feel good about yourself again. Forgive yourself.

I think you have punished yourself enough. You don't need to beat yourself up for the rest of your life. You'll be ground into the dust. Enough. If you believe in God and Christ, you understand forgiveness. You are forgiven. You must forgive yourself.

The way you show him you are truly sorry is to be a wonderful wife for the rest of your lives. Swallow your criticism of him and don't make any demands about your needs at this time. If you are lacking, take it to God for now. Your husband needs time to heal, forgive and forget. Until he is ready, just love him.

My little girl, who was wise beyond her years, told me (one who used to chronically relive past mistakes and hate myself for them), "When you make a mistake, you fix it, learn from it and MOVE ON!"

I'll read that book. Be sure to check out the one I suggested, too! I'd like to hear your view on it.

Another thing you should do...is begin to love and accept yourself. When you do that you would be surprised at how your husband and other people around you will begin to feel about you. Exercise, positive attitude all help in your personal self too. You are beautiful and you are one of Gods creations and dont ever forget that.

You guys are such a blessing! Thank you so much. I have updates I'll be posting about soon :)

BTW, I love your pic! You're beautiful! And I adore butterflies, too. They symbolize metamorphosis, and we're all in the state of changing into new creatures every day.

Awww thank you Lori! *blush* I can't believe that picture came out so good....we were in Washington DC at the Natural History Museum I think and I just HAD to go into the butterfly room.....it was the most calming and peaceful experience ever!