BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage an update

Hi Guys

Just an update to let you know what is happening here. As said before we decided to give it one last go. We have had no arguements and are taking things as they come for the last two weeks. Seems to be going okay. We seem to be agreeing on most things now and he is helping a bit more round the house. Our daughter know what is going on and is being quite difficult but we are dealing with it together. My concern is that I do not want her to grow up thinking that I do not care about her as this is what she seems to think. Any ideas?

k

She is probably scared. Waiting for the other shoe to drop, and is acting out to protect her feelings. If she lashes out at you guys first, then y'all can't hurt her.

How is the "feeling" around the house right now? Is it very careful? You said y'all are getting along and agreeing, but is that because you are trying very hard? I'm not saying that is a bad thing, but she may be picking up on that feeling of hesitancy.

Maybe take a day to spend with her, and let her talk it out - or not as she wants to do. Go do a girly day, go to lunch, get your nails done, whatever - just some quiet time so she knows that she is not coming in 2nd place - but equal place. And if she needs to talk about her fears she can.

We are doing okay,we both seem to be working on it.

She spends a lot of time with me but does not always want to when her dad is around.

we will have saturday afternoon to ourselves so hopefully that will help us.

How old is she again? Remember that she has witnessed the turmoil that has been going on for a long time. As a young lady (I think you said she was a teen), she's learning a lot about womanhood and adult relationships by observing you and your husband.

She's probably not thrilled to see you put up with what he dishes out. She sounds as though she has some resentment toward him, and that is natural as she witnessed him treating her mother badly.

He will have to be patient with her and earn back her respect. You will have to be extra attentive, loving and patient with her because she's probably upset with your decision to stay and work it out. She expects more of the same old routine of arguments and tears, yelling and misery.

Only time will prove to her that you and he are creating a new and better life for all of you.

Marital problems cause kids to have their own problems. They wonder if somehow they are the cause of the marriage problems. In fact, didn't you mention in another post that he rages on about how she messes up the house? She probably doesn't think he likes her very much.

BTW, is she a child from another marriage or is he her biological father? Just curious.

Either way, he will need to win her back. Is he up to this?

He is her biological father. He thinks she needs help but puts it all back on me. She does get me crying when she will not be pleasant to him and wants to stay at weekends with friends.

I am speaking with her a lot and trying reassure her how much I love her etc. If it comes to a choice between my daughter and my husband my daughter will win hands down. I went home yesterday and as I said everything is "OK" no arguements etc but am thinking to myself is this what I want and again am not sure. I am trying to work out what to do for the best at the moment and it is so hard.

Try not to feel too stressed. Being in the middle gets exhausting.

Don't make it a choice between your husband and your daughter. Remind them both that you're all on the same team. Explain to your daughter that no one is perfect and everyone deserves a second chance. Explain to him that he is the adult so he will need to take the lead in healing his relationship with her. Encourage them to spend some one-on-one time together.

Doesn't he love her? He needs to show it. He needs to be man enough to apologize to her and tell her that everyone on earth is learning how to be better people. If he doesn't, she will grow more resentful and fall into some bad patterns with men.

I told my husband that if our daughter loves and trusts him above all other men, he will always have an influence in her life. So, if she begins to date a jerk, he can tell her he's a jerk and she will listen. Otherwise, she will do anything opposite of what her father advises...even if that means running to an abusive guy.

Also, a "son is a son until he takes a wife; a daughter is a daughter for the rest of her life." She will be there for him in his old age...if there is love.

Create some new happy memories and times for you all. Learn to laugh and play again. Replace all the worries and doubts with good times.

This is coming at a hard time in her life--adolescence--so even if things were great at home, there would be some turbulence as she is testing out her growing individuality.

Your husband will have to undo some damage by being patient with her. He needs to ignore her unpleasantness and dole out an abundance of love and cheer. If she won't go out with you two, then suggest he pick up a small token gift of affection to give to her. Just to show he loves and thinks of her.

This will take time. It will be an on-going effort. Two steps forward, one step back type of thing. Don't cry over the steps backward. Just keep moving forward.

A lot of love and lot of laughter. Both are healing.

Just to let you know: You're not alone. A lot of families struggle with family relationships. Even in healthy, happy families!

You're making it work.

Hello again

Things are not too bad with my daughter at the moment.

Yesterday my husband was moanign about not having any money to do anything etc. I have explained to him how much it takes on a weekly basis to keep the house going but it is going in one ear and out the other. I also put over the point that the kids have their clubs, and he said what clubs but including my sons after school care and lunchges it is between �40 to �50 per week. I have tried to cut the shopping down by around �15-�20 each week. Depending on shopping etc we can have between �70 -90 per week. We spend �30 on a chinese and the rest just goes throught he house in case we need other shopping, morning rolls etc. He cannot see this.

I am going home tonight to tell him that we have been advised at work that both me and my colleague cut our hours or she is out of work. I feel really bad as i cannot afford to cut my hours but at the same time her mortgage is really low and she has no kids. I have told her that I cannot afford to cut my hours and she understands why this is.

I feel really bad about this. I did mention to my husband last week about this possibly happening and he nearly had a canary. He said if I was paid off etc he would leave. Told him to leave but he did not.

I feel really sorry for my friend though as her husband has already been made redundant.