BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Interesting article..

I have AOL and this story was on the welcome page. I wanted to add it here because it is about a mother who admits she doesn't love her daughter. It is a fairly short article, but this woman is in her 30s, has an 11 year old daughter and admits that she doesn't love her. She said when the baby was born, she didn't want to touch her or look at her. The relationship with the father ended. But now she has a new partner and a new baby, a 2 year old daughter which she calls 'the love of her life'. I find it interesting that she feels the connection with the second child and not her first. Not even after 11 years.

I don't know if the link below will work here, or if I added it correctly. If not, maybe someone will help me!

I was a bit torn about mentioning this article. I think some people here may be able to relate to what this woman is going through. And I think it is a good sign that a woman has come out about her true feelings very publicly, and maybe it will help someone else. On the other hand, this is a parent website. And I didn't really get the vibe that it was an article that showed very much understanding. Especially the comments posted below the article. Most are horrible, but there are a few in there that are understanding.
If you can relate to this article, I hope that it will bring a little comfort to you because you are not alone.


---Well, ok then! Would someone teach me how to add a UBB code or insert a link? Please and thank you!
-Let me try another way...
parentdish. com/2009/01/22/mother-admits-she/doesnt/love/her/daughter/

just take the space out between the '.' and 'com'. Or just go to parentdish. com, I think the story link is on the home page.
Sorry all, obviously I need to learn how to do this!

I couldn't read the article, and God knows I am no fan of having children, but this story about a woman having an 11 year old daughter and not loving her... but then another one is the love of her live... it is really freaky. I mean, I understand that somebody is not content with her choice to have children, that she regrets them and misses her childfree life, Or even, (although in my personal case I am very proud to say I think I am managing that very well), that she has issues showing her affection. But having a child, a cousin, a pet at home for 11 years and not loving him/ her... I don't get it.

Solalux, it is a little freaky.. or just a Different experience than what most go through? I am not a mother, but it is hard to understand a mother not loving their child. It seems that she doesn't know why this is happening and does not want to be that way, like it hurts her that she feels that way and she feels guilty for it. Maybe she loves her daughter more than she thinks and just hasn't been able to deal with what ever happened with the father.
Hell, I don't know!

Everyone tells you, you will automatically love your child when you see him/her, but you don't right away. We all have heard that story plenty of times. So you try and try, waiting and waiting for the love to show. The next thing you know 11 years have gone by and it still isn't there? What a hard thing to go through, for the mother and the child.

There are emotional causes for this woman's feelings. The woman did not bond with her first baby for reasons unknown. It could have been that she sees the baby as a product of her relationship with the father, which ended. She probably wasn't psychologically and emotionally ready to be a mother. Often, the first child is resented subconsciously because of the radical life change it brings for the mother. Even when the mother wants and loves the child, some mothers still harbor resentful feelings. Some overcome them; others live with them. In this woman's case, she isn't doing either.

By the time the second child came around, she matured. She loves the father. The baby is the product of their love. The baby did not cause any major life changes. The first child did that already.

It is good that she came out with her true feelings no only in order to help others but to seek help herself and for her first child. You don't know that horrible consequences her poor first child needs to live with for the rest of her life. Being rejected by your mother leaves deep wounds. And to witness a sibling receive what you never had is like pouring salt upon them.

It is one thing to choose to live a child-free life but yet another to bring one into this world only to resent and reject it. Better to let someone adopt that child so it will be raised in loving arms...and at least know and experience love from a parental source. If that is not an option, counseling and therapy can walk them through some steps to help them bond.

I feel for the woman but more for her child.

You are right, there might be issues with the father, she might love her more than she thinks...
I do know out of experience that you don't automatically love your child. An unwanted child after hours of something so horrible as labor cannot provoke immediate love. I know all these stories about automatically falling in love with your child. I heard them all my life, specially when I was pregnant and they are buls***t. (unless you wanted the baby from the beginning, I guess, and even then, I think many women fake it, and/or end up believing it happened)
But I still think after 11 years, you can still be regretting your decision, have issues showing your affections, venting your resentment, , but if there is absolutely no love... I know for a fact that kids can be way too demanding and obnoxious. I used to feel angry with myself because I was too carried away from the negative to value how cute my kid was. I felt guilty that I might have not loved him as much as other women love their children. But no love at all... I'm sorry,this woman must be very unhappy in other aspects of her life too.

I just read a novel with this premise: We Need to Talk About Kevin by Lionel Shriver (a woman). The main character is ambivalent to having children, never bonds with her first child, a boy, and utterly loathes being a mother but still chooses to have a second. She does bond with the second child, a daughter, and starts to enjoy motherhood but the story has a very dark twist.

Anyway I do think it's a horrible thing to still have no affection for a child after so many years. HOWEVER I might point out that there are plenty of fathers out there who leave their families and have no interest in the kid's life after a divorce, etc. It doesn't seem to take on the psychological overtones that it does for women (because at heart people believe that women aren't capable of such emotions, while men are almost expected to be unattached).

You are so right! A lot more is expected from women in so many fields. And in this mother issue it reaches an extreme point. That a woman should want to have children and then take care of them and love them more than anything in the world is something taken for granted. Nobody thinks better of you for doing it. But if you do not fit in this pattern, you are seen as some kind of monster. Men are not subject to such expectations, so if they want to have children (and yes, most of them want), if they love them, and take actively care of them, they are considered wonderful, lovable, exceptional men.
I did not change a diaper till my child was five days old. (It took even longer for number 2 :-)) My man was doing that. I could feel people were raising eyebrows in the hospital. "She did not even have a C-section why is she not moving her a**". If it had been the other way around, it would have been the most natural thing.
I always say that the worst form of male chauvinism nowadays is not the belief the women are more stupid or less capable, which is less and less widespread. It is a lot more dangerous when people think, as they do to this day that women are better: more loving, more sensitive, more faithful, more generous... and then are totally cruel to those who do not meet up this idealizations.
It happens the same, at least in Spain, with the elderly. The daughters are expected to take care of them. If a son does it, and they very seldom do it, they are very well considered ind the "goodness" ranking. If someone with daughters lives in a home, everyone will be thinking they are bitches.