BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Flipping through the channels last night....

For some reason I stopped on a TV show that was about mothers of multiple births, as in triplets, etc. I don't know what it was called. There was a bunch of these mothers in one house together. Whether this is a regular thing for them or just for the TV show, I don't know. I only watched it for about 2 minutes because a couple of the mothers made these comments..

"It is like our own club that no one else can get into or understand."

Another one said "Another mother can say 'I have 3 kids' but I can say 'I have 3 kids that are the same age.'"
It was almost like she was saying she is a better mother or can do more, or even take pity on her more because her kids are all the same age. Even like it was a competition.

I like to call these kind of people (not just parents) one-uppers. No matter what your story is, they always have something better (for you to envy?) or something worse (for you to pity them more?)

Maybe some people not only try to put this "oh pity me..praise me.. because I am a mother..you will never understand" on the childfree, but actually on each other, as well.

I am having some brain-farts and feeling my thoughts being scattered around today. So I don't know if I am even making a point or even know what my point of this is.

I think everyone's lifestyle choice or situation (as in the case of multiples, not quite a choice) is a unique experience. Some bear challenges better than others, and some get through some parts of parenting by focusing on what they sacrifice and give, and by feeling proud of that.

As a parent of non-multiples, I can say without reservation that I have no concept of what dealing with two babies simultaneously would be like, and quite honestly am so glad I'll never have to find out! I know parents of twins and they constantly amaze me that they are even awake enough to function most times.

I don't really see this as one-upmanship or a pity party as much as comparing notes and commiserating with others in the same situation -- don't we all do that? Isn't much of the childfree board about how life if so much better with work, or travel, or extra money to use for fun things? Isn't it about sharing the burden of annoying relatives or pressure to have kids? It's the same thing here..

When we make a difficult choice or are in a difficult situation, no matter whether it makes us ultimately overall happy or not, most of us still need the reassurance and pride the benefits of that situation/choice creates and to find those like us to share the pain or struggles.

I have an article on the breastfeeding site called "Are Breastfeeders Better Mothers?" that explores that same issue of the tension between breastfeeders and bottle feeders. Within any group, or across groups with different choices, I think you will always find that sort of thing. Human nature, I suppose...

Nicki :-)

I agree with Nicki that it seems to be human nature to look for others like ourselves and to enjoy identifying with them, even if just to commiserate.

I can also identify with yota's feelings (as I read your post, yota, I could almost see you rolling your eyes at the TV ). When people have a kind of "club," whether it's because they share a disability or work in the same profession or went to the same college or belong to the same ethnic group or whatever, it doesn't bother me one bit... but for some reason, I find the "mommy clubs" extremely annoying. I know I shouldn't, and I fear it's hypocritical (after all, I do want them to respect my "childfree club"), but I have trouble reining in my intolerance. I'm working on it.

Nicki, I agree. I have no concept of what dealing with one child would be like let alone more than one! And I, too, am very glad that I will never have to find out.

I also agree and understand the need to communicate/share notes with other people in your same situation, just like we do here on this site and off of it.
I think the quote I put-"It is like our own club that no one else can get into or understand."-is along those lines. This lady said this while they were all sitting together talking.

The other quote-"Another mother can say 'I have 3 kids' but I can say 'I have 3 kids that are the same age.'"-I took a bit different. This was said directly to the camera with no one else around that I noticed. I think this was the one that bothered me the most (hence, changing the channel). It was the way she said it. It was that familiar tone that I get, and others I am sure, from people with children that think they are better than me because I don't have children. Or the same kind of tone expecting to get some kind of pity from me about the things they have to do, or can't do, because they have children. The same kind of tone that one-uppers give when they try to one-up someone, no matter the subject or situation. That is the way her comment made me feel. Whether she meant it that way or not, I guess I can't be sure, I don't know her.

Even though I already knew, I think in the end it just became a bit more clear for me.--"Maybe some people not only try to put this "oh pity me..praise me.. because I am a mother..you will never understand" on the childfree, but actually on each other, as well." It doesn't matter what 'group' you are in, this sort of thing will always be around, it is human nature. Just like you said.

LoveChildfree, you surely pegged me on the eye-roll! And I sooo agree with what you said! I also find 'mommy clubs' annoying. Maybe I will work on it with you!

i was involved in an infertility support group for a few years, and it quickly became a moms of multiples group. all of them have twins or triplets now (well, except for me, lol). and they do seem to be a bit, i can't think of the right word, um, snobbish (?) about it. the moms of triplets feel like they're better than the moms of twins, but the moms of twins are better than moms of singletons, and of course, they're all better than me (the one who never did get pregnant and whose husband left her for a younger and more fertile woman).

i have helped them all out though with babysitting, helping with bathtimes, when the kiddos are sick and mom needs a break and stuff. and it is hard. but the cool thing is the kids have a routine (they have to when there are more than 1), and the kids know that routine. i have bathed triplets with no problem at all. actually, they seemed to bathe themselves. i just followed their lead.

so i guess in a way, they do have a right to brag. they have to be very organized (who has eaten what and who has taken meds and how to get them all to bed at the same time, etc), but it's not a competition. i think it's not really a mom thing, but a woman thing. we tend to make a lot of things a competition. i know i do at least.

and being with those twins and triplets really makes me appreciate coming home to my quiet apartment with no distraction. i can just curl up in my bed and go to sleep after being with them.

i can't imagine living it day in and day out, and i'm glad i don't have to do it.