BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage I need some advice please

I think you just need to cut it off and get on with your life. You and your children deserve better than this. Don't you worry that this will impact the relationships your children have later in life? They may believe that everyone acts like your husband and that is the normal. Good luck to you....just remember that life is too short to be miserable all the time.

Love gets buried under a lot of resentment, anger, distrust, hurt and betrayal. It will take an outside party to help him/you peel back those layers to find the love again. I believe you two can resurrect your love and marriage, but it will take concerted effort on both your parts and it doesn't sound like either of you are willing to turn to outside help. He has to want to make the marriage work.

At this point in time, he sounds like he is on the brink of ending things but doesn't want to be the one to make the move. That is the reason for his short fuse on small matters.

Your children will need counseling to get through this. They are taking on the responsibility for your marital problems and that is unfair. By observing you and your husband, they are learning about adult relationships. Teach them that you can love a person without loving--or accepting--their behavior. Teach them to love themselves enough not to let a dysfunctional person suck the life out of them.

It doesn't sound like your husband respects you or loves you. It does sound like he has his own issues he is not willing to address and sooner or later, he will spiral downward further and take you down with him.

When you board an airplane, the first safety tip is to put on your own air mask to breathe before you rush to help another person don the mask. If you don't, you'll pass out and can't help anyone else. A mother's instinct is to save her child but you must be able to breathe first! Take care of yourself now. Don't wait for him to make a move or to change. It may never happen or take so long that you'll stop breathing in the meantime.

Albert Einstein says, "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

Be sane.

Again I would like to thank you for your support here.

I went home last night and spoke to him and discussed matters, told him how I am feeling and he told me how he is feeling. As you mentioned previously there are 2 sides to everything. He told me that he had been speaking to people and they said that I am playing mind games. I told him that I am not playing mind games but doing what he did to me, ignore me. He says I am not speaking to him much. Advised him that this is because everything I would say to him he would jump down my throat. His friends also told him that he should not have came back after having the affair.

We discussed last night having a last go at this and both of us need to work at it not just one of us. Both of us have to be nicer to each other and think about each other. He is adament that he does love me.

I can only see what this brings out but at the first sign of him being horrible I will talk to him about it and if things do not work out at least we have tried and from that there will be no going back.

I am glad we are going to try but there is still a nagging fear that it will not work out but can only try once more before throwing in the towel.

thankyou again

I did wake u

Skinny cow - my feeling is this. (and please don't get upset) - the phone call - do you think he's having an affair? If you have to ask that question - then its probably true. Having someone in your life shout at you - your kids - push your self esteem so far down you can't see tomorrow? You didn't mention the ages of your children - but i can tell you - my kids heard the arguing - knew their father had an affair - heard me crying etc. Even if you THINK you're hiding the tension - it's there. It can't be good for you - as i am coming from the "I LOVE FOOD" era - and whenever i was feeling down i would eat - usually chocolate! BUT - to have someone who is SUPPOSED to love and support you make you feel like this - i am sorry - but you deserve better! Come on - really - take a look in the mirror - size 18 or size 8 - who really cares? Are you the same person he married? Is he? To judge someone because of their weight or blame them because of certain issues - is a cop out! It sounds like he's not happy - and is doing everything in his power to make you feel unhappy too.....

We are here for you skinnycow - but i beg you - please - NOTHING is worth being in a relationship with someone that CLEARLY doesn't appreciate you - AT ALL! This really pushes my buttons and i'm sorry that i'm getting angry - but NO ONE should be able to do this to you - NO ONE!

Please don't 'wait' - the waiting is over. You have decisions to make - for your children - and for you. From experience - the 'waiting' game only makes things worse - and takes longer to get through - and there is more of an opportunity to make you feel worse! I don't think he's changed - i think he knows he can do this to you - and he's doing it. Unless and until you lay ground rules - he will continue. So PLEASE - for me - look in the mirror today and say this : I am worthy to be loved - i am worthy to cared about - i love me. It sounds corny - but it works.....your children will come out of this with higher self-esteem -and more respect for their mother....so please.....no more waiting!

I agree with irish!

I also think he wants to have his affair and stay married because he'd have to pay child support if the two of you split.

AND...He says you are playing mind games...He's blaming you, a typical abuser response.

Please read this: BellaOnline ALERT: Raw URLs are not allowed in these forums for security reasons. Please use UBB code. If you don't know how to do UBB code just post here for help - we will help out!

I need help with UBB code please.

I found a great article about emotional abuse. I printed it, and carry it with me. I read it every time I think I miss my ex-boyfriend. If I find out this UBB code thing, I want you, skinnycow, to print it and read it. I promise it will help you.

I agree totaly with what everyone is saying.Every woman wnats to amke their marriage work.But,you shouldn't stay with someone who clearly doesn't want to be...COMMITTED!!You should find the first divorce attorney you can,file the papers,and kick him to the curb.You don't need to go through this.This is a game to him,and as long as you are there,he will play it,cause you are enabling him to do so.

Skinnycow, I'm going to PM you.

Hi Lori

I have sent you a message back. Thanks.

As I said we are having a last try at marriage and for the last few days things have been not too bad. I will just have to see how things go

thankyou