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#482773 01/07/09 12:58 PM
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how do I start. We grew up in a house full of turmoil with dad always drinking and being verbally and physically abusive on a daily basis. I left home in my teens hoping to escape the abuse and over the years have tried to put it all behind me. A couple of years after leaving, i found myself homeless and called home to see if i could come home. i was sleeping on a friends floor and scrounging just to feed myself. i was told by mom that there was nothing for me there and to stay in NS. I found I could not sit down to a supper meal for years afterwards only to realize that that was the time when dad's tirades would happen. i have been able to finally enjoy dinner time for the past five years and I am now 41 years old. Since leaving, I have heard from members of the community that dad never has a good word to say about me. All i ever wanted was to be accepted by my parents as i see other families practise. I really have never felt this way based on my parents actions towards me. One christmas when my kids were very young, my ex lost his job. We were one paycheck away from being homeless. I called home to ask if we could stay at the camp until we got back on our feet. To which i was told no. We soon moved to Ontario to be able to get back on our feet with the help of the kids grandparents. when the kids came along, my mother told me that she 'was not a babysitter'. I guess i figured that when they had grandchildren, that maybe they would want to be apart of their lives. This never happened. They chose to not spend time with the kids all these years. when we have been visiting, the kids are banished to the basement. I just received a phone call letting me know that if my daughter did not call them to thank them for her christmas money and give them her mailing address that she could expect never to receive another birthday or christmas gift again. She was confused and did not know why she could not receive her gifts at our house. Mom complained that she never calls them. To which i explained that she really did not know them because they were always away and not available to her her whole life. 5 years ago at christmas, dad was drinking and he hit me across the face. We left to return home that nite and I attended a job interview with bruises on my face. A few years ago, I was invited to attend a 'family cruise'. it was during my seperation and subsequent divorce. when my parents found out about the seperation, I was uninvited on the cruise at a time that I desperately needed and wanted to have the support from my family. support that i would never realise and in some way wish every day that someday they would come around. This is a wish that i fear will never happen. These are just a few things that I can think of that stand out in my mind as I write to you. I guess my questions for you would be: Am I crazy? do you think there will ever be any hope that they will accept me? Should I simply cut off all ties in the future to ensure my families happiness and not to have to put up with the nasty phone calls and episodes?

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my questions to you...

We always want our parents approval...but do we truly need their approval for us to be happy?

The are TOXIC people and TOXIC people drain our energy and suck the life out of us!

Noticed I used the word people, NOT parent! They never were your parents, they are abusers! That is a BIG difference...HUGE difference!



Have a blessed day-

Erika Lyn Smith
BellaOnline's Missing & Exploited Children Editor
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Hi Heather,
Have you ever heard of alanon? It is a support group for people dealing with issues from alcohol. They also have a group called ACOA..adult children of alcoholics. If you search, you will find meetings in your city. Just type alanon in your search engine.
It is an awesome program....and has helped many people.
Sundancer
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Heather,

No! You are not crazy! I also was raised by alcoholic parents. Alcohol is a monster that destroys families across America. Many children are abused in many forms, due to alcoholism. You are not crazy and you are not alone in this.

I understand how it feels to just want to be loved and appreciated by your parents. I understand what it feels like to yearn for their approval and acceptance. However, the reality is that if you have not seen any of this from them throughout your lifetime, chances are you may never see these things or receive these things from them. I feel very fortunate in that my mother and I managed to become closer that we ever were about ten years before she died. Did she still drink? Yes. But I did not talk with her when she was drunk. The memories that I cherish now of her, are those of when she was not drunk. Only in the last 8 years did she ever tell me she was proud of me and she constantly told me she loved me when she was sober. That meant more to me than anything because she didn't say it drunk.

My siblings and I were all pretty messed up because of what we endured. One sister, in particular, is now battling alcoholism and struggles daily with her past abuse.

My point in sharing all of this is that some are fortunate to eventually gather that approval and acceptance from their parents, while others never gain it.

Please do not overwhelm yourself with not being able to gain your parents approval. Know that it is not about you, in the sense that it is not your fault. You have done nothing wrong. You have only longed for what every child longs for: to be loved, accepted, and approved of. Those are normal things to want when children or adults. Those are healthy things to long for. However, as an adult, and being that your parents are still not changing, perhaps it is time to let them go. I agree with the comment above on toxic people. If this continues to burden you, please seek therapy. It really can help.

Please know that you can always come here to share. There are so many supportive and caring members here that have walked your journey, myself included.

Last edited by kellideister; 02/04/09 12:58 AM.
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You don't have to like where your parents are, but you might as well accept that they are never going to be where you want them to be. They just are not emotionally available. Another way to look at giving up on such parents is to think of it as giving them "their space." People like this need LOTS of space so you don't get entangled in their orbit! Seriously, getting in their orbit only hurts. You're better off somewhere else building your own, special life.


cela
cela #527455 06/10/09 03:25 PM
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Here here cela! Awesomest advice ever!

lizk #533309 06/30/09 05:07 PM
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Thanks, lizk. (I hadn't checked in on Bella in a while--so I didn't know you left me such a nice compliment!)


cela

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