BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage I need some advice please

Skinny cow - i was reading your post and all these feelings came rushing back - memories actually of the feelings i've had similar to yours - being ignored - being told you're not good enough - treating you like [censored] then asking for sex.....keeping it together (and i know you don't want to hear this) through xmas is a mistake - from experience - a huge mistake.

I found out about my ex husband's affair in October (10 years ago -we are divorced)....i confronted him - and he finally admitted it. We had a house and 2 kids together. They were very young (6 and 9). We tried to stay together - there is a honeymoon state - where you think - okay - it's good today - we can work on this - but then something happens and things go back to normal. I am telling you, it doesn't get better, unless and until he is willing to change. It doesn't sound like he is unfortunately. I stayed in my marriage through xmas and new years - for the kids. We went to a new years party at a friends house and at midnight - he disappeared - i overheard his conversation on the phone with the 'other' woman - and i was crushed. I moved out in January -and never looked back.

Staying together for the kids isn't helping them. Staying together because both of you want to make it work - is a different story. Being made to feel not good enough - is not an option. You have to figure out what to do.

For me - i left everything because i couldn't physically or emotionally take it anymore. The verbal abuse was too much - and the physical had taken its tole. I am glad i did. But unfortunately - you always have a tie to that person because of the kids. I got counselling -he did not. He has had relationship after relationship that has failed. I married again 5 years ago to a wonderful man who helped me to see that i was worthy of being loved and treated like a queen. I have never - in the last 8 years -felt like i did back then. But also thru counselling i learned to lay down ground rules - things i would or would not put up with. I stick with those rules - with everyone.

Say this to yourself everyday -i am worthy to love and be loved. I am a human being capable of making changes in my life in order to make me a better person. I cannot change anyone but me. I will work on me.

Good luck -keep us posted

thank you for your support here. I will be in touch again after the holidays.

thanks again

Christmas has now passed without much going wrong. He only told me, once that he did not want the kids to end up my size (size 18) and the next time that I had ate all the chocolates (not true) yes I did eat some but not then all.

Before christmas I got pj's and slippers for the kids to wrap up for me as a present from them. I got a card from him on Christmas eve but no present on xmas day. I went out over the holidays and bought myself some clothes. His family know he did not get me anything to open on Christmas day.

Anyway things were pretty much on an even keel over the holidays but he did not want us to go out much. This is the quietest holidays we have ever had. It was good but maybe too quiet.

Anyway I am waiting to see what happens over the next little while.

I will keep you advised.

Skinny Cow:

Are you considering seeing a counselor for yourself even if your husband won't participate? I aplaud you taking a stand and taking steps to make your life better. Dr. Phil says something like your home should be a place where you can fall down..or just be supported or something like that. I agree. Everyone, and I mean everyone should feel at home when they're at home.

Hello again. I'm glad you made it through the holidays. But as I read your post, a question popped into my mind: What are you waiting for? You said you're waiting to "see what happens."

What are you hoping for? What do you fear will happen?

I was wondering if you asked yourself, "What do I want?" This is your life. This is your marriage. What do you want from both?

No matter what happens, it would be good to strengthen yourself now. Work on yourself. Don't wait for him to change or give you signs of approval or whatever it is you're waiting for.

I agree with Leah about counseling (I noted that she is a life coach. Great idea!) Pull yourself together for your sake and the sake of your children. It even could have a positive effect on your marriage.

Get healthy in mind, body and spirit. Then,come what may! You can handle it with confidence!

Keep in touch!

Hi There

Thank you for the support.

With regard to counselling I do not want to do this - I am past this stage. I feel that I am focused since the middle of December when I decided that I would give it 6 months to see if things get any better. I am very strong just now and know that I have the support of my family and his. I have decided that i am worth it and have started getting new clothes etc and trying to look good for myself and generally being a lot more positive.

What do i want from my marriage - I would like a husband who is supportive in all areas, does not criticise me or the kids, loves me and is generally a nice person and not selfish through all the good times and bad.

I am hoping he is going to change, I think he is trying but is worried just now about his job. (still making excuses for him) but at the end of the day we could manage on my wages as i earn a decent wage.

I am getting myself together and being strong for the children at the moment.

I think he will go back to how he was but hopefully not. Next time we have major eruptions I intend to ask him to leave. If he is not willing to I will move into my daughters room until the end of the month when I will get my wages and find somewhere for me and the kids to live. When it does blow up I will also tell him this.

At the end of the day I am a better person and stronger than he is and i will survive and get on with my life and I think he knows this.

I would also say that there are times like today, when things have been okay I wonder if I am doing the right thing but keep thinking about it all quite a lot.

It is so confusing.

This really disturbs me, and reminds me of my father. I am afraid he won't change, and he will just make you feel worse by criticising your size and watching everything you put in your mouth. You may or may not eat more in secret. I did, so I am hoping you will stay strong, and not get bigger. My thought is: as you start to look better and better, he'll get scared and just find something else to put you down. Don't let that happen.

We are here to lend you support, but it is difficult--and perhaps potentially harmful--for us to give you advice when we don't really hear the complete story from both sides.

You know your life situation better than any of us and you are the one who will have to make choices for yourself and your children's best interests--and live with them.

With that said, we still want to help.

You say that he is trying to change. What gives you that impression? What happens during "major eruptions?" And what happens when things are okay?

Does he love you? How do you know?

Also, when we mentioned counseling, we didn't necessarily mean marriage counseling. Personal counseling--just for you-- is a good thing for everyone during good and bad times.

thanks for the above.

He phoned me at work yesterday after he picked our son up and started shouting about how dirty he was - he got covered in mud at school playing football. i have seen him worse that he was. He moaned about not paying out any more money for trainers for my son if they are needed before the summer break for school

last night was okay until we went to bed.

He then said he could not live like this. That there is an atmosphere that is down to me. I am only speaking to him when I need to as i do not want any arguements and tried to tell him this. He said that i contradict everything that he says with regard to the kids, my little boy tells me constantly sorry and says it is all his fault and crys when his dad shouts at me for anything that he has done. He said I am to make my mind up whether I want us to stay together or not. I am really confused. Is he actually trying to make me end it? Last night at 11.55pm his mobile rang and he cut it off and then turned it off. This morning he put it on and there were 3 missed calls! The third one was a voicemail and when i asked him he said it was a wrong number someone rummaging about in a house?

I think I really need to speak to him tonight when my daughter is out. She stays in a lot and he does not like that. I would rather know where she is than her hanging round street corners.

I told him that i feel he is always citising me etc and did say to him that he only did it over the holidays twice and told him both incidents. I do not feel he has made enough effort since his affair and not sure is he is seeing her or anyone else again. He also said to me do you want me to change? I did no answer as we have been here before. he told me this morning he does not trust me with money as when I have borrowed or spent more than I should have I am like this - quiet. I have not done anything here.

I do not think he loves me. He does absolutely nothing to show it. He handed me a cheap xmas card on xmas eve. no present on xmas day. Just told me to buy myself something which I did after new year.

last week he mentioned about putting a conversatory on the house, I said no as he moans about money all the time and this would mean adding money onto the mortgage. he did not like that. he said to me last night that no one in the house cares about saving money apart from him and i just said well it is not me spending it.

My daughter got up this morning and said to me she heard us arguing again last night.

i think this is now the hardest it has ever been

Your situation is sad. In my opinion, it is time for counseling and maybe a separation.

Any man that shouts over mud needs to get help. Everyone knows football and dirt go hand in hand. I feel sorry for you and your son.

Also from your story, he lied about those missed calls. Three wrong numbers, yeah right.