BellaOnline Forums Family Step Parenting Conflicting feelings...We need some time alone.

Hi I'm new here and so happy I found a forum for stepparents. I've been with my husband for 2 1/2 years now so being a step mom is new to me and I am adjusting to it. I have two children of my own. 10 and 5. My step dd's are 9 and 11 and I am also due in March with our first baby together. We get his dd's every weekend. 3 weeks in the summer and 3 weeks in the winter and sometimes during the week. Alternating every holiday. This NYE was suppose to be spent with their mother.

Apparently she now has plans and expects us to drop everything to have the kids. Normally I wouldn't mind because I want them around. We never get time alone and I was excited to have him all to myself NYE. I know I might sound selfish and maybe I am being selfish but it's one night. That' all. I'm upset our plans don't matter and for some reason her's are more important.

DO I really sound selfish? My children will be spending time with their father.

No you're not selfish. There is nothing wrong with saying no you have plans, it's her time. If she has plans she can get a sitter. You don't have to phrase it that way, but if it is ok to say she has plans on HER time,then it's absolutely ok for you and your DH to have plans.

Have you told your DH how you feel? What does he want to do?

My ex and I will be accomadating with special hlidays, if we know that a family member might not make it to the next one. Or because our sons has been in the hospital needing intesnsive therapy.

But he has never said "change of plans, I'm going to the ballgame instead."

The other parnets, are obligated to taking the kids when they said they woudl. I'm assuming it is part of your divorce agreement who gets children when. Use that to fell bak on. And quite bluntly say."You said you were going to take the kids on these days:_______so, I made plans for these days_______, there are nonrefundable tickets." And leave it there.

Our exs get too comfortaable with us giving in on this kind of stuff, because thay know we will, eventually.

Just stick by your guns long enough to win this ddebate. Heck get DH to help run interference on the call!

Looking at your schedule, you get the children a lot. By all means, take some time alone with your husband.

If the ex wife has plans when the kids are on her time - she is the one who needs to get a babysitter.

You have to stick to the schedule. I have an ex - we have 3 children together - we've been divorced for 10 years. I married again 5 years ago. We do not have childen together. I have accommodated my ex's schedule TOO much over the past few years because he is NEVER available to do the stuff that parents normally do. It has been my husband - their step father that steps up to the plate most times -not their father. As they've gotten older they realise this - but my ex has also learned that he can't encroach on MY schedule now. If you say you'll be there and you don't show up - too bad - no changes.

He used to do this thing that really made me feel guilty. He would have the kids - and when it was time for him to drop them off at my house - he would call at the last minute and say - i can't drop them off - you'll have to pick them up.....so i would have to - because they'd be upset. That happened a couple of times - until i called his mother - and told her if he continued doing this he wouldn't see them.

Not to say we haven't had other issues - but i stick to my guns NOW. I don't change my plans for him -EVER. I think he's been surprised at times - but i don't. He used to say to me - i have a life you know - well i have one too - which doesn't include him and his behaviour. The kids know this and they tell him now!