BellaOnline Forums Family Step Parenting Resources for custodial stepmoms and biodads

I've been married a little over a year, and am just now realizing that I need additional information and support about being a stepmom. I have read many posts on this site, as well as information from other stepfamily resource sites, and it sounds like my issues are what many of you face. I feel like the third wheel in my family, my husband's parenting style is motivated by guilt, psycho biomom, spoiled stepdaughter, etc. What I can't find, though, is parenting information specifically for stepmoms and biodads who have custody of the kids. The professional advice I have read seems to be based on the assumption that if the parents are divorced then the biomom must have custody and biodad gets them on the weekends. That is not the case in my family, and maybe it's not in yours either. I have read the advice for stepmoms in regards to disciplining the children, and it seems to boil down to this: Be more of a friendly aunt or camp counselor than a parent--if you are in charge of discipline then your stepkids will resent you. Well, that advice does not work in a situation where the stepmom is in charge more than 80% of the time. There are times when I am the only parent around, I need to make high-level parenting decisions, and I'm not about to let my stepdaughter walk all over me while I play the friendly aunt.

My question to the forum is: What resources can you recommend or what advice can you give for biodads and stepmoms that have custody of the kid(s)?

Hello Latinlover,

In my case I have 2 SS�s (9 and 12) and my 14 year old brother visits from time to time. The current house rules were keeping the adult�s hair from turning gray, but we felt more was needed to promote harmony between all 3 boys; the 12 and 14 get along beautifully. They have been best buds since the beginning; because of that I think the little one (9) felt left out and was acting out his frustration. I�ve done and still doing a lot of research, simply because there are different temperaments and personalities meshing in our blended family.
We have started all the boys on the Family Chip System; this system teaches them about appreciating family, working towards a goal, communicating effectively, the value of money, etc. Since we started the system they are actually asking to help out around the house, they were like can I do the dishes, can I take out the trash, and can I do this can I do that� We also make it very clear to the boys that this is not a competition (they are so use to that w/biomom) and that each persons reward is based on their own wants and desires. In a way I think they like the fact that they don�t have to compete for our attention or trying to prove which of them is the better son. They haven�t complained about the time limits for activities, and we receive a great bonus in all of this, we haven�t had to yell and the boys are getting along beautifully so far. I also think the family meetings help tremendously. This system is working better than we could have even imagined. I�m sure there will be some bad days but I�m just happy they are enjoying the system and working towards a goal of their choosing. In fact the system went so good I gave the info to 5 parents at my job who are going through different issues with they�re children. I recommend you and your husband take a look at this site it has great tips/info for families in need of harmony.
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Thanks, Des28. I can't wait to check out this site! SD is with biomom for the holidays, giving me a little extra time to regroup and refocus. I appreciate your advice.

No problem, I understand what you're going through.

Latinlover,

I can completely commiserate. When my husband and I got together 12 years ago, he was the only one we knew who had full custody of his children as "the dad" and not just the weekend visitation like all the other dads we knew.

We've raised the kids ourselves, with no input from bio mom and virtually no resources out there to help us. I'm sympathetic, and even now there are not many resources out there.

Most of the sites I have found are personal sites developed because of having experiences like ours and not finding any resources. However, I haven't found one specifically dealing with dads with full custody that I am comfortable recommending here, but if you run a search on "dads with custody" you'll find something useful, I am sure.

Good luck -- your best resource is the people right here in our forum and on bellaonline. You won't find better community support!

Thanks, Shadra. You're right, there's not a lot out there as far as professional literature goes, but it's extremely helpful knowing that I'm not alone, I'm not crazy, and my concerns are shared by many people. My husband was starting to think that I wasn't a "normal" woman for how I felt about his daughter until I showed him this site. I think he expected me to just turn on some sort of maternal instinct for her, but I can't seem to find the switch Thanks for mediating this support group.