BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Is there hope? No means NO!

I'm a single woman who will never have children (no, I'm not changing my mind), I'm really hoping for answers here...

I live in a family-oriented (who says that 2 people DON'T make a family?), blue-collar city. It seems the main objective for everyone here is to get married and have children. OK, I do want to get married... but children aren't for me. No man that I've ever dated could wholeheartedly accept the fact that I don't want children. Some guys ended up changing their minds... after they told me that they were 'OK' with not having kids. (One guy went so far as to 'negotiate' by suggesting the option of adoption.)

I feel so alone, nobody here can understand me. I never expected it to be so hard to meet men without paternal calling. Where are they, do they exist? How do I go about 'breaking the news' to a new potential partner?

All-in-all... I'd rather be alone forever than change my views on this. Is anyone else in the same boat?

gypsydancer, I really feel for you. Men who don't want children DO exist, but I agree that they can be difficult to find. When my husband and I first met, we became very good friends before we became "an item," and I believe it was during our friendship that I mentioned I didn't like children and never wanted to have any. If I remember correctly, his response was, "You are the perfect woman!" For me, it was such a blessing to have this out in the open before the romantic relationship began. In fact, it may have been a catalyst for our relationship.

After 10 years of marriage, we have seen most of our friends and family members have children, and hardly a day goes by that one of us doesn't say to the other, "I'm so glad you don't want kids!"

My stepfather is another man who never wanted children. He married my mother when all of us "kids" were grown and out of the house, so he has never had to be a parent nor did he have any desire to be.

I have seen many online social networks for childfree people, and perhaps those networks can help you meet like-minded people so that you don't feel so alone. I wish you luck!

Gypsy-I too grew up in the type of city you describe, two hours from a big city. The people who stayed in my hometown all got married and had kids. The ones who stayed single until their early 30s at least. In my experience, there's also more of a chance of meeting a man who doesn't want children in a bigger city. I realize that moving might seem like a drastic decision, and you might not be able to do that! But with online dating you could meet someone in the closest big city, chat a bit, go on a couple of dates and see how it goes. It is extremely difficult to be childfree in a mid-sized or small city, because everyone else follows the norms. I dread going home to visit because I know everyone will be talking about who has had the latest baby. And I am literally the only woman my age without kids.

I had the same problem as you when I was in my 20s, with every man I dated wanting to get married and start a family...even when we were both 21 or 22! I always wondered where all those "jerks" were that other women talked about, the ones who didn't want to settle down, didn't want to have kids etc. Then years later, I realized...those are the guys who date the women with baby aspirations! Call it what you will, opposites attract or whatever, but I have many female friends who really want kids and cannot for the life of them find a guy who wants to. They cannot believe my stories about every guy I dated wanting to have kids!

And you're right, it's better to be single than cave on your decision...I had made the same decision myself, when I met my husband at age 28. Once I found out he didn't want kids either, it was a match made in heaven...the conversation was one of the first we had. I have told other women this and they were shocked that I would raise such a subject so soon in the relationship. But I say you might as well be up front about being childfree. Why pretend? You have less to lose if you're honest about your decision at the beginning than after you've dated the guy for a year! Especially if you're sure (as you seem to be) and not on the fence.

I definitely suggest online dating, groups like No Kidding and other childfree social groups. Again, if there isn't anything going on in your city (like childfree meetups or a branch of No Kidding) then you could make a road trip to the nearest city for the next meeting. I happened to meet my husband through friends, but I know it can be really tough. Good luck and keep us updated!

Congrats for standing your ground. I was like you, and then I felt in love and gave up. Pros: I am still with the man I love. Cons: I have to spend a lot of time with a child, and I don't like children, and I lost all intererst in sex.

I was, even 30 years ago when "I don't want kids" was practically a burn-at-the-stake heresy. My mantra was "no kids - not by birth, adoption, or being a step-parent". It caused me to be very hesitant about getting seriously into the dating scene. At the top of my mind, in every instance of meeting an interesting single guy, was "aw nuts, what if I fall in love with this guy and he wants kids. Maybe I just shouldn't even bother." I sometimes jumped the gun at declaring my NO KIDS rule:
Me, meeting an interesting new fellow: "I don't want kids."
Interesting New Fellow: "whoa! I was just going to ask your name!"

I was really-really afraid of getting hurt.

Funny enough, though, I met a man and the kid-subject never came up. We never even talked about it until the subject of marriage began to crop up in our conversations, then it was:
Me: "oh, btw, I don't want kids."
Dh-to-be: "yeah, I know, me either. Can't stand the little varmints. I've been thinking that I ought to get a vasectomy. I'll need a ride to the clinic."
Me: "ok. just let me know when. I'll bring the frozen peas for an ice pack."

Looking back, I ought to be boggled about it, but I'm not. Maybe there's some sort of "I don't like kids" pheromone that's so strong it's what helps bring CF mates together

That is really funny Dorichin! That's pretty much exactly what happened with me and my DH. Thank goodness.

Solalux: you mentioned having a therapist in another post. Are you talking about the sexuality issue with her?

I do have discussed it and I get all tips about relaxing, and concentrate on what I used to enjoy...

But my major problem right now is my rage. I don't believe in therapy that much but it's a little corner where I can vent my anger with the world over and over again without hurting anybody's feelings. I always thought that I was strong-minded and independent, but when it comes to this topic I am so weak and need so much approval! "Why am I the only person in the world who doesn't believe that having children is a fulfilling bliss? How come that women who wouldn't run a mile for their lives or that would have a nervous breakdown if her fingernail cracks, can go through such a horrible ordeal not once, but over and over again and consider that it is worthy? Why does the whole world ignore that people like me exist? Guess what I read in a woman magazine in the waiting-room of my schrink: "We have good news, 93% of men want children". That is for me no good news. I always knew it, and it tortured me the idea of being abandoned on the long run.

My husband tried to accept me as I was, but it was very obvious to me that he hoped I would change my mind. We would sit in a restaurant, and he would strike a conversation with some little kid at the next table, and look at me expecting me to feel it was cute. When I got pregnant, although it was my fault, I reacted so horribly that I wanted to get an abortion, and he saw me so desperate that he agreed, but said: "we have plenty of time". I remember telling him: you don't get it, I will never be this stupid a second time. I will never change my mind, I will never want a child.
Funny, I was 35, how long does people keep expecting you to change?
And I am also furious at the countless people, a lot of then even close friends who know me really well, included my husband, and kept telling me it would be worthy.
And I am furious that if don't validate my statements every three seconds, somebody who sees a photo of me an my son smiling will say: See? I told you?.

Hi Solalux- This might seem like a little thing, but the women's magazine comment stood out to me because I hate woman's magazines. I don't read them. I work in a bookstore, and i used to run the newsstand...well, I tell you every month it was the same headlines on those women's mags again and again and again-"Find the perfect jeans!" "What men DON'T want you to know about sex!" (I always laugh at that one), "Try these superfoods to get ready for bikini season!". etc, etc.

If you want a good magazine that is actually written for ALL women, try Bust. It's the ONLY one I will read! I's the first magazine I've ever seen that makes me feel normal.

As for the quote you read, most women's magazines assume that all women want the same thing, which is absurd! Don't let it get you down.

I also live in a blue-collar city and I see the same things. People getting married and having children. I will be 31 in a couple weeks and I have never had the urge to have children. People always say when you meet the right guy or you will change your mind. I will not change my mind I have come to the conclusion that I never wanted kids and the only reason I doubt myself is because everyone is telling me to. About 7 months ago I met a guy at work actually and we were talking and he mentioned that he never wanted to have kids. A light went off in my head, wow there are guys out there who do not want kids, I have had relationships breakup because I said I never wanted to have kids. I think he was really surprised when I said I didn't want kids either, we have been together ever since and it is great having someone who feels the same and not worry about the societal pressures everyone puts on you.
Sometimes I think that people just think I am not serious when I say I really do not want to have kids and I don't really like them all that much and have been like that all my life. I am not saying I hate children, I have friends that have children and they can be great...it can also be great when they start screaming I get to leave.

Solalux, I have stopped having people ask me about kids, whether due to may age (40) or from my personality, or a combo of both. But yet on the phone recently my mom reminded me it's not too late.

I had thought we were through with those comments, but i guess it sneaked out before she could think about it and squelch it. By now she knows Dan and I would be lousy parents, that Dan is fixed, and that we have zero interest.

I guess it was an uncharacteristically optimistic moment for her. lol

Thank goodness my one sibling has a grandchild for her. I am incredibly thankful for that, actually.