BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Those pesky validations

Greetings! First time poster; looking for a new CF board to hang out on.

Reading over this forum, I see a lot of familiar issues, maybe this one is new - or maybe it's just one that peeves me the most.

Validations. It seems that people are starting to accept the fact that there are those who won't have kids. So, now, in stead of the questions, pity parties, arguments .. people are eager to say that they "respect" our decision to not be parents. Damn, they even want to make sure we know how much we are admired for "thinking about the decision; so many people don't; I really admire you for taking this issue so seriously and know that kids aren't for you."

*sheesh* I'm one of the "wired" childfree, since there has never-ever-EVER been a thought/question/uncertainty about having kids. It just wasn't going to happen - nosiree. At nearly 50, I look back and see that the only time in my life when that caused any drama was ... oh, early 20s, I guess. That's when I was out of college, looking to create a career, and thinking that now was the time to start thinking about a committed partner, rather than just dating. Seeing the reaction to my "NO KIDS - PERIOD" declaration, I realized I might end up without a lifemate. (didn't happen. my equally wired CF partner and I have been together going on 24 years).

So, all these decades, I've had a bit of equanimity about the subject. To the boring conversations: I don't know I'm missing, you'll be sorry when you are old and alone, what if your parents had thought the way you do ... I respond with "uh huh ... whatever ... if that's what you want to think ...". Sometimes the situation required a stern "LOOK, the subject is not up for discussion; can we talk about something else because this is boring the [censored] out of me." Reaching my 40s, I could even be a little spirited: "I've hit the egg rot age; any kids I have will probably be mutants!"

Now, these stupid "validations" have come along and that does prick my equanimity just a bit. I feel like I'm in a Seinfeld episode: in their hearts, these people really don't approve of my CF status, but HEY! we all have to show our tolerance now! The old "not that there's anything WRONG with that!" creed.

Given my druthers, I'd druther they just go back to the same old disapproving/smug/"I know better; you're going to regret this" attitude so I can just blow them off with my indifference.

I just wish people would mind their own business. My reproductive life, sex life, financial life, political life and religious life is none of theirs.

Ravyn

Hi Dorichin. I will take pseudo admiration over the "typical questions" any day. I so crave external validation that I will take it from any source.

My own internal demon, I guess.

Great quote, Seinfeld is my favorite TV show of all times.

Actually, I compare sometimes not wanting to have kids with being homosexual: People take for granted that you want kids, so if you want to avoid uncomfortable situations you have to get out of the closet. Also, you get this comment that you mention: "if your parents had been like you..." which is similar to the "if we were all gay, we would extinct" comment, that I often have heard too.

As for the decision: taking a decision implies thinking about pros and cons, it is an active thinking process. For me, not having kids was not more a decision, than not wanting to climb Mount Everest or not wanting to learn Swahili!