BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage things to ask before marriage

I got this from Ben Stephens, a friend of mine who is a lawyer at the South Carolina Domestic Violence Association. It is interesting to say the least.

Which ones did you actually discuss?

"Relationship experts report that too many couples fail to ask each other critical questions before marrying. Here are a few key ones that couples should consider asking."

1.Have we discussed whether or not to have children, and if the answer is yes, who is going to be the primary care giver?

2.Do we have a clear idea of each other�s financial obligations and goals, and do our ideas about spending and saving mesh?

3.Have we discussed our expectations for how the household will be maintained, and are we in agreement on who will manage the chores?

4.Have we fully disclosed our health histories, both physical and mental?

5.Is my partner affectionate to the degree that I expect?

6.Can we comfortably and openly discuss our sexual needs, preferences and fears?

7.Will there be a television in the bedroom?

8.Do we truly listen to each other and fairly consider one another�s ideas and complaints?

9.Have we reached a clear understanding of each other�s spiritual beliefs and needs, and have we discussed when and how our children will be exposed to religious/moral education?

10.Do we like and respect each other�s friends?

11.Do we value and respect each other�s parents, and is either of us concerned about whether the parents will interfere with the relationship?

12.What does my family do that annoys you?

13.Are there some things that you and I are NOT prepared to give up in the marriage?

14.If one of us were to be offered a career opportunity in a location far from the other�s family, are we prepared to move?

15.Does each of us feel fully confident in the other�s commitment to the marriage and believe that the bond can survive whatever challenges we may face?

Source: "Before Marrying" published in The New York Times, as referenced this post at the Family Law Prof Blog.

Kristen,

This is great. It should be posted over in dating/singles too.

I might have to print it out and slip it in a bible to pull out for my daughters before they get married. LOL.

Thank you, Violette!

LOL so true!

How about...

16) Do you mind that I am going to keep my own surname?

- followed by 'tough' if he says yes ;-)

And how about "Do we accept each other fully as is, without wanting to change even one thing?"

I will say, some of these things we may be happy with during dating and then they may change after we are married.

One thing I would add is: Will you be respectful of my goals and dreams?

This one is important to me. As a writer I need my husband to be understanding and respect what I want to achieve in my work.

This is really great... definitely the most important issues to tackle before considering marriage..

Hi, everyone! Newbie here...

I agree with Violette that some things change over time. Including our minds. The way we feel about something when we meet someone is not necessarily how we feel when we marry, or ten years into the marriage.

Still, I think one of the most important questions to ask is, "What is your life story?" It's amazing what couples who get married DON'T know about each other's pasts before marrying. Not because anybody's keeping a secret, but because they never thought to mention that "this is my fifth marriage, and - oh! I used to be the co-chairman of the Anti-Pet-Society. But your cat is safe with me..."

Karen
Nerd Writer Mom

How to Know if You're Ready to Become Husband and Wife
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