BellaOnline Forums Family Step Parenting Irrational bio mom

I need some advice regarding ex-spouse issues! I've been a step mom for almost 3 years now, at first I kind of expected to have problems with bio mom. Simply because I'm younger than her and I have no children of my own, I figured there would be some resentment although I hoped there wouldn�t be any. At first I simply let the snide remarks and name calling roll off my shoulders, sort of trying to distance myself from the situation. Then it was dealing with the constant restrictions on movies, games, and where we took the boys. Then she started asking hubby for things like extra 10.00 for gas, a pack of cigarettes here, a bag of ice there always with the promise of paying hubby back with no payback in sight each time...it seemed that everything that was needed was always asked on the days he had the boys. I couldn't take it anymore and demanded that hubby either nips it in the butt or tell me what I'm missing in the picture. For a few months bio mom stopped bothering hubby when he had the boys, then it all started again only this time when he said no it involved shouting matches and profanity. Hubby and I agreed that arguments w/bio mom had to stop being done in front of the children, unfortunately bio mom refuses to reason and tried to start arguments in front of children on almost every visit. Whether these fights are on the phone or in person it doesn't matter the children are always in ear shot. Unfortunately when these arguments get going theirs no way of stopping them that didn�t involve us walking away or giving bio mom a hard shake-slap (the latter has never happened, can't say it hasn't crossed my mind). I am tired of being dictated. Since she doesn't call continuously I'm afraid I can't file harassment charges. It�s gotten so bad I feel the boys are afraid to speak up for what is right when they are around her. When she questions them they don�t say anything or lie and tell her what she wants to here. She refuses to listen to reason on pretty much any subject. Is there such a thing as forced family counseling? Or Forced Psych evaluation?

you didn't mention the ages of the children - although whether young or older - they sense what is going on. My advice is for you - but especially hubby - don't entertain the ex AT ALL! There has to be boundaries set - and if she can't follow them - then there are precautions you can take. Unfortunately - the kids are the ones in the middle. Guaranteed she is telling them a load of [censored] about you and your hubby - which ultimately hurts the kids. The kids look to their parents for their identity really - so good or bad - they are a part of your hubby and his ex.

You are and will be stuck in the middle UNLESS and UNTIL your hubby sets the boundaries! No boundaries -means problems!

I am the bio mom and i have an irrational ex husband and his girlfriend/fiance. He has put us all through hell for the past 10 years - disappearing - losing his license to DUI getting arrested for assault on his previous girlfriend - but the WHOLE time i wanted the kids to have a relationship with their father. I have put up with countless comments and slides against me - but i walk away. When the kids were younger i tried to hide the fact their father was an idiot - but now that they're older (18 and 15) they have see him in his true light - all the comments and nastiness has come back to bite the ex on his proverbial butt. It doesn't make it easier for the kids - its confusing. Here is their mom and dad who can't get along - even for the sake of them! It's disgusting and i hate it.

I've had to go back to court - ive had to get protection orders - you name it! There is hope. I married again 5 years ago to a wonderful man. He is in your shoes. He is afraid to make decisions where the kids are concerned because the ex makes comments that he's NOT their fathe r- he has no rights. My husband just wants to help them - teach them how to be strong - responsible young men. Sometimes that's the hardest lessons. But -there is hope - hang in there

Hello Irish6605,

Thank you so much for your input! Since this was my first post I wasn't sure how much info I should or shouldn't put, but our boys are 9 and 12 they are wonderful boys we they aren't fighting with each other. They both enjoy spending time with us and lately have been asking if they can live with us. Sometimes I feel like we have 3 boys when my 14 yr old brother comes to visit, the boys enjoy spending time with him as well. I had a very different childhood from my SBs, although my parents were divorced and my step mom had a big part in the breakup, my mom never blamed her. She was what you would call a godsend as a bio mom, I never heard them arguing over things to do and she never spoke bad of my dad or his wife to me. I guess I was being a little bit naive thinking I would be blessed with a similar bio mom. Instead I feel like I'm dealing with a monster, unfortunately it�s just like you said no boundaries means problems. In our case minimal boundaries, I look forward to any additional info or suggestions anyone can give. I will discuss what you suggested with my hubby and again thank you for the input. I'll keep you posted.

Des28

Hey Des,

Just thought i'd add also - the kids will be better off KNOWING what the situation is instead of the bio mom TELLING them things that aren't true. I know they're young - but the issues don't stop as they get older - they get bigger - when they're 9 you argue over who is paying for sports/books/uniforms - when they're 16 and 18 you argue over college/university/cars/ etc. Obviously your husband feels bad for her (as i did for my ex) but i can tell you from experience - setting boundaries and trying not to have contact with the ex is the only way to go! Take care