BellaOnline Forums Relationships Divorce Yikes!

Today my oldest son started in on his Christmas wish list (which considering he's 17 means very expensive).

I told him we just didn't have the money to afford things like that.

So then he throws back, "How come dad can get stuff like this but you can't? David (my husband) makes more money."

I pretty much lost my patience.

I told him thar his dad pays $540/month for child support, that is $270 per child. So if you consider a typical 30 day month that equates to $9/day or $3/meal.

Then his dad pays for 1/2 of medical bills, the problem is - I have to pay for all the bills up front - then mail him a copy of the bill I paid and wait for him to reimburse me. Technically he is supposed to do this within 30 day, that rarely happens.

So that is what "all this money" his father is paying me is.

I was Sooooooooo not prepared for my sons's reaction. When we got home, he called his dad and started yelling at him about how little money he paid and that he didn't do hardly anything extra to take care of them, and had been lying to them all this time. I was speechless.

I know I am going to get reamed out about this sometime in the near future (either that or not receive my chuld supprt this month), and I probably should not have said anything to the kids about the money. But I just get wo tired of him getting to buy them all the cool stuff, while all I can ever afford is the basics.

I think I'm going to go throw up now.

Chelle--Don't throw up. You're struggling along just like a whole bunch of other women in your shoes, and you're doing a good job. You're doing a HARD job and doing it well. From what I've noticed, you have the "never give up, never surrender" attitude you need. What your son did was a sweet gesture.

I think it's horrifying what the courts set as fair child support. I'm amazed at fathers who think they're doing so much when the money they provide won't even buy groceries. Then there's the whole issue of visitation being required even with deadbeat dads, but don't get me started.

Thank you Cela, yes it actually was kind of sweet (in a terrifying sort of way) that he stood up for me. I just felt bad because I have always tried to be very careful not to speak baldy of their father to either one of them. But this year it just kind of got to me. We've had so many medical bills to pay, and then the Jr class ring, and he has had so many excuses not to help. It's just frustrateing. But I shouild not havelet it out where the kids could here. That really wasn't fair to them. because that puts them in a choosing place. And I don't want to do that to them.

Althoug - they are starting to pick up stuff on their own without me syaing anything at all.

Yep, the older kids get, the more they pick up on. I understand the reasoning behind not trashing the dads in these situations; but, at the same time, I don't think mothers are required to embellish the dads' images either! It's like that old saying, "The truth will out." The truth eventually comes out. Your kids are just getting old enough to catch on for themselves--in my opinion. You can still take the high road and keep a lid on vocalizing your opinion. Just because you slipped once does not make you a bad person/mother!!!

Kids understand more than we know. As the Mother of 2 kids, and I do not receive child support from either one, I can honestly say it comes to that point where you really have no choice but to tell them the truth and unfortunately it doesn't put the "Dad" in a good light. I did it both times, just like you did, I did not mean to and to this day, even though their dads don't deserve it, I STILL make up excuses (trying to turn the negatives into positives) for them. Sometimes I think it is good for them (the kids) to know plus in the long run it helps them to see that things don't grow on trees etc. etc.

I totally agree with all of you on this subject but I have seen the other side of this as well. My husband paid child support (100%) because his children's mother chose not to work and went on welfare. In the state they were in, all of the child support goes directly to the state so when he was paying the $650 per month, she only recieved $250 (200 for household expenses and food stamps and 50 for the kids). Every time the state would take him back for an increase she never got it. It was awful. She had an education but the state put her through college again, paying for everything until she dropped out. Once that happened, she had to go back to work. You can only imagine how she reacted. That's when she dropped the oldest on my doorstep and drove away.

This is where my experiences comes in. She would tell the kids that their father didn't love them and didn't pay her child support. They believed her (and one still does). All they saw was the food stamps and the few gifts that he could afford to give them. She, on the other hand, lived with her boyfriend who paid for everything..so any expensive gift came from him making my husband the cheap bad guy. They are now 25 and 28 and their maturity level is so behind. One child won't talk to him and the other is doing fine.

Oh and by the way..for over 3 years I only received $50 a week in child support for two teenage kids because the court ordered my exhusband to pay airfare during visitation (which he got his mother to pay for). My kids are 22 and 25 and fully understand the financial stress we went through. So, hang in there and be honest with your children. You don't have to tell them everything but when they ask, tell them the truth. They will appreciate it much more down the road.

I am sorry to hear that you are going through this with your son....but they do know. I got divorced when my boys were 7 and 10. I live in Ontario - and at the time the judge wouldn't grant a divorce unless we had a parenting agreement - which outlayed support/medical -dental - higher education - visitation etc. He had been having an affair - so i just wanted out. What i didn't do because i wanted things to go smooth (i had full custody) was file the paperwork with FRO - which is the Family Responsibility Office - which ENFORCES payment of support in Canada - and you don't have to deal with the ex. I DIDN'T do that - because we PROMISED we would take care of the kids together.

Skip ahead 8 years to now. They are 18 and 15. He has NEVER provided medical/dental - i have always covered the kids under my insurance through work - and i have a good job. I had to FIGHT for 4 months for him to help pay for the 18 yr olds college tuition (which he did pay) but at that point he owed me over $4200 already. He now owes me $8000.00. In Canada - if you have an order of support that can be enforced there are all kinds of things they do to collect if the ARREARS are over $1000.00. The FRO office reports him to credit bureau - they can sease his Tax rebates - they can freeze his bank accounts - and because he owns his own business they can execute a WRIT and SEIZURE to sell off any real property to pay the ARREARS - they can also suspend licenses (but he lost his to DUI).

My children KNOW that their father hasn't supported me that much. I married a wonderful man 5 years ago - who has been so supportive of all of us. When he met me 8 years ago - i was going through the messy divorce. He saw firsthand the issues i had with my ex. He RARELY paid any money towards the kids (who were in all sports - hockey/baseball/soccer/ballhockey) - i worked 2 jobs and went back to school to get my degree. He hid in his parents basement - because he didn't want to deal.

When my 18 yr old was 13 - my ex was charged with assault on his then girlfriend.....i was advised NOT to let the children visit him unless supervised. He would say things to the kids - and they would come back to me and say them. MOST of the time i would try to ignore it - but he would confront me in public around our kids friends etc. I had to get a Restraining order at one point - but one day at our youngers son's baseball game - my older son disappeared. It was AWFUL - he had been bothering me live with his dad and i refused to let him go. That night - my ex got his father to take my son from the game - then stood there and laughed at me.

I did get a lawyer - but at 13 - was told he could make his own decisions. I let him go - thinking - he would learn right? 2 years ago - he came back home. He came to us with his clothes in garbage bags and 1 pr.of socks and underwear - he was failing high school - and was an emotional wreck. We got him counselling - and helped him improve his grades and he got accepted into college. He started asking me personal questions about the money etc and about things he NEEDED and how come we couldn't just use the support that dad paid.

SO i did what you did - i told him how much he HADN'T paid - i laid out all the expenses i had paid over the years - and what he hadn't - he called his dad at that point too - but guess what? We had a deal that he would pay for 1/2 his school. He had a job - and started acting irresponsible - not paying his bills on time etc.-not cleaning his room - coming home late from curfew - so i said to him "These are the rules and if you can't live by them - then you can leave" - well he did. His father picked him up the next day. I was hurt and upset. But i knew this is what he needed.

Then my ex calls me and tells me that the support he did pay was to go towards the school fees - and josh couldn't pay them.....so now i've had to go back to court - to file the agreement with the FRO office so i don't have to have contact with my ex at all. I should've done this before. Call me stupid!

The [censored] thing? My 18 year old is now saying things that were private or 'adult' between my ex and me - financial issues when we divorced and other issues. I was mortified at first - but realise that one day he will realise what he's done - and how he's hurt me. I've done what i can - but i refuse to let my ex intimidate me anymore.

He showed up at a sports game for our younger child the other night - when i passed he made some smart comment and my husband almost lost it. My husband is so NON violent - but he knows what my ex is capable of....my ex is engaged to a girl who likes to tell me what i SHOULD be doing with my kids - not concentrate on the money aspect - but ensure the kids have a relationship with their father.

This is a man who has been in and out of their lives for the past 10 years. If and when he's shown up to events he is abusive and usually drunk and embarrassing. He missed our younger sons graduation because he was 'sick' (drunk actually). He was charged with assault -lost his license to DUI - but his girlfriend says he's 'changed'.

He called me last night and started ranting and i told him i wasn't listening to him anymore and hung up. I KNOW my kids know how he is - but its sooooo disappointing that this is their MALE role model. My husband has TRIED to be there for them - but he's their step dad right...not the same. It's amazing how much [censored] they will take from their dad but not from me!

In the end - the truth is the best thing.

Oh please, don't beat yourself up. Sometimes enough is just enough. I get sick of taking the high road sometimes too. I remember a couple of months after my divorce my youngest daughter was crying about something and said "YOU didn't try hard enough! It's not FAIR that you have to work and go to school and I can't see you! YOU should have tried harder to stay married!"

Granted she was only about 7 years old.

BUT I just HAD it.

I pulled off the road and said "LOOK this was NOT MY IDEA!" To all the kids. I had been blamed just one time too many and I just lost it. Then both went through a time of being mad at their father and being rude to him.

I think it was wrong because I was really hurting them more by telling them and yes it made them mad at their father.... so what I did then was tell them 'You have NO RIGHT to yell at your dad, he is Your DAD and always will be! Sometimes we all make mistakes and when people in your family make a mistake you forgive them and move on, after all, I am sure you are not perfect now and you sure won't be as an adult."

That worked. They stopped being mad at their dad or me.

The truth is even if we still lived with their father they'd not be getting whatever they wanted anyway. We never did go nuts on gifts for the kids and typically donated money to charity and each child got one big gift and the rest was needed items that we'd waited all year to give them. (underwear, socks, etc...)

So I made sure to set them straight about that too.

We may be parents, but none of us is perfect so I suspect them learning that at some point won't ruin them completely.