BellaOnline Forums Relationships Bereavement Dating a widower

Hi,

I don't think I ever responded to your email and just want to thank you for your thoughts!! I would love to hear more about your discussions you have with your steady and how you deal with everything. It really helps to have your perspective.

I did give Rick a picuture of the two of us together and found it interesting on what he did with the it. He placed it in his living room on the china hutch and then moved a picture out of his bedroom of he and his widow and placed it in the same room. The picture of he and his widow has been in his bedroom for over the past year.

It's so tough - I loved his wife!! I feel like I owe it to her kids to just leave everything as is in their house, but the truth is I'm tired of feeling second. I think it's time to move on!!

Please keep me infomred on how things work out for you!!

Hi Anniev,

Great that the sharing has meant something for you. My advise is to hang in there. Please do not feel 'second' best. If you are the one for his next chapter of life, you are the only one.

As a man and a widower, I longed for the time that the next lady that comes into my life would definitely fulfill the emptiness of my heart. I am extremely lonely as well as Rick, we have both lost a beloved who had spent many years with each of us respectively. Almost all of my friends do not know that I feel terribly lonely at times.
Maybe the only hope of our sanity is through the photos of our beloved. It does give us the reason to continue living...I really meant living. Some have unfortunately succumbed to suicide, or deep depression without a glimspe of hope in life. In fact, there were a few occassions that I had such silly thought. I am just human like anyone of us. And the fact that you come to his life also give him another reason to continue to live on as well as my steady.

Our next chapter of life would be very interesting, as we want to spend many more years with someone whom we could love, enjoy the tender companionship, a lasting confidant etc. As men, or maybe most men, we tend to let go easily once we have found the right person in our lives.

So how does one go about meeting up with people like us?
I think, the first few datings, we discussed about putting it on paper our expectations and wishes of committing to another lasting relationship. I am a widower with 4 kids whilst my steady is a divorcee with 2 young children. It was kind of Draft in which each of us would jotted it down and exchange it for each of us to review, comment, laugh....

So what are the things that were written? They are:-
1) where to stay? By God's grace, I have moved out of my old apartment to a new home about 2 years ago. Since the home is the biggest, it is naturally that she would stay with me.
2) how to deal with ex.? It is expected that she does not bring it up while I am around. Sometimes, she would receive call from her ex. about their kids going to his place especially duirng the time of children custody.
3) photos of my late wife being displayed at home and at other places to be gradually removed in preparation of having a new relationship. I have agreed to it and also discussed it with my kids at home. Well, my kids just kept it in their own albums.

Ok...so much to write and for you to read..

Try not to think too much. What we think would eventually do not turn out that way when we discussed it verbally or in written form. Let the other person have the opportunity to express his feelings, thoughts, cares, concerns, wishes etc.

Dating is the best time to discuss, and more discussion, put in writting to capture our points, review it and amend it until both of you are comfortable that it would work out together. Best time to open both eyes, ears and speak only with one mouth. That is, more listening, listening and less talking but with more listening.

Cheers....

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Hello; I first want to say that I am so glad to have come accros this forum.

I have been dating a widower for 3 years now. It has been wonderful and painful. We had issues with pictures in the bedroom, 5 or more in the living room, 3 or more in the kitchen, and a few taped in his permanently opened tool box in the garage. Her wedding dress is in his closet with her wedding poitrait. He has a drawer full of keepsakes, and a box in the living room with her drivers license, pictures of her and her old membership card to the local pool.

Most of the pictures are gone but a few are still up. She has been gone 10 years. I haven't heard too many stories of her lately but she was a saint and his soul mate. (he told me on the our first date). Most of our issues are gone now, but.... We are engaged to be married and he wants me to live in their dream house they built together. This house is already decorated. He plans to sell it but the plans are three or so years from now. He wants me to sell my house in move into his. I have stressed to him that I do not want to live there.

I am deeply in love with this man do not want to be without him. I keep thinking I am being petty. Thanks for listening.

Hi,

I too am a widow. My husband has been gone almost 3 years next month. I still have some of his things here at my apartment, but I have no intention to marry again. Notice I didn't say never?-lol. Anyways, if he wants you to marry him and live in his "dream" house he shared with his wife, maybe a suggestion that you two buy a home together? Something new for you two. It has to work both ways, not what he wants. I dont know what your relationship is like, but it sounds like he's still clinging on to her in ways, maybe not like he used to.

I hope this didnt upset you or hurt you, honestly, I dont want to hurt you, but I kinda have a feeling he somewhat hasn't really let go of her. Its not fair to you either. You're going to be he one ending up getting hurt. After all its supposed to be what you both want, not live in something that was in the past. I pray and hope you two can work it out.

Best regards,

Julie

You didn't upset me, I appreciate any advice I can get. We do plan to sell but he wants it to me 3 years down the road. I do not feel at home at his house. I think he is hopeing I will move in there and forget to want to move. Yes I have told him I do not want to live there.

I know I didn't mention that he told me everything about their process of building the house. Who did this, Who did that. Who picked out the plans all of it. I do not mind the stories but I am also human.

I feel he is klinging on myself but it is a sticky subject.

Thanks

Hi KCC,
The fact that he has removed most of the pictures is a good thing in the right direction. But staying at his home is quite a challenge as past memory still lingers on but probably on a lesser extend as compared to 3 years ago.

Well, on a positive side, I have not found a perfect union yet even with my late wife. There are blemishes in each of us with mine the most, I think. Though she is still in my mind, yet I know her weaknesses as well as mine. There is no perfect lady nor man. Just complementary. Supporting each other through thick and thin. So, I could not compare my steady with my late wife as each has her own unique beauty, and gracefullness.

I always put the spiritual dimension in our lives. As a Christian, spent alot of time on our knees to assist us in blessed union. So likewise, I am also seeking God more fervently to help me in the next chapter in my life with my steady if everything goes according to His plan. Full of baggages with 4 kids with me and her 2 kids and a Jack Russell dog.

Commit our cares and concerns to the spiritual being and be delighted to see Him work in our lives.

Continue to talk it over when both of you are in good mood. Make several suggestions, discuss together and evaluate on the pros and cons from both sides. There is no right nor wrong. It must be balance and fair. If there is a need for 3rd party to assist, seek help now and/or continue to share in this forum....
Cheers!

Gideon, what an insightful reply. God Bless you!
Sundancer
www.msgembroidery.com

Hi Sundancer,

Glad you are blessed.

Perhaps, I could start another thread 'Dating a Divorcee.'

Regards.

Hi, My name is Julie Donner Andersen, and I am the author of "PAST: Perfect! PRESENT: Tense! Insights From One Woman's Journey as the Wife of a Widower". I have also lead bereavement recovery classes for the past 10 years. Via my website (www.juliedonnerandersen.com), I host a free message board for Wives and Girlfriends Of Widowers (I call us WOWs and GOWs). There are over 350 members worldwide, all of whom are dating or are married to former widowers. I welcome all WOWs and GOWs here to come join us! Anniev, you are NOT alone, nor are your issues crazy or insensitive. I can validate everything you have stated here; in fact, your issue about LW's things and pictures all over W's house is a VERY common issue among all WOWs and GOWs. :)