It's been awhile since I made my original post "Struggling With the Children Decision". Thanks to everyone who replied (and continue to reply) with support and/or her own story. It has really helped.
I mentioned in the post that I was going to a workshop that focused on making the decision to have children and I thought I'd share some of the things I learned. I hope it is helpful.
The workshop was called "The Baby Decision: How to Make the Most Important Choice of Your Life". It was led by a licensed social worker who has been counseling women and couples for 25 years on this subject. The outline of the day and most of the exercises we did were based on the book she wrote.
It was a very diverse class - one married couple, a few single women in their early 40s, a single man in his late 40s, two married women there without their husbands, me and my ex A. We had great discussions, lots of good sharing. I was relieved and comforted to be with such a group of people and to hear their stories. In a way, it was empowering. Of course I was the only one who breaks down in sobs during the introduction, but I figure every group has to have the token crier.
The thing I liked about it the most is that it was TOTALLY unbiased - not pro-kids, not-pro childfree - although we talked a lot about both. The main focus was tools on making the DECISION itself. The latin root of the word "decision" is "to cut away from", or something like that. Therefore, every decision involves some loss. In the case of being childfree, people miss out on the "joys" of parenthood (define "joys" whatever way you wish). Having children means that you lose the freedom, sponteneity, money, etc., etc. of a childfree life. She introduced "The Decision-Maker's Bill of Rights". Here are a couple of its points:
* Base your decision on your potential happiness rather than a sense of obligation.
* Make the decision that is right for you even if others disapprove.
* Be your own judge of your reasons for choosing your lifestyle: to be childfree without being accused of selfishness, immaturity, or neurosis; to be a parent without being accused of selfishness, immaturity, or neurosis.
* Be a parent without being married.
We had to ask ourselves (regarding deciding to have children, or deciding to be childfree), "which decision will I regret LEAST?" "Which decision will I regret MOST?"
We talked about the reasons people are childfree, the reasons people have children, ways to incorporate things associated with having children into a childfree life (things like giving and receiving nurturance, playfulness, humor, connecting to a younger generation, family, advocacy in old age), the effect of children on intimate relationships, things we would miss if we never had a child.
She gave insight into her years of seeing couples and what has happened in different situations. We did visualization exercises; we filled out worksheets; we talked about statistics; we discussed the idea of a one-child household as a compromise and workable solution.
Me personally, I know I'm not ready to make the decision, but I feel more confident that I am capable of making one. I don't have unrealistic expectations anymore that I will feel 100% one way or the other, but rather more like a majority rules. I no longer expect that a light bulb will go on in my head (although I really wish it would!!!) If I decide to have children, I strongly feel that I would want only 1, which makes it seem less intimidating.
As for my ex A., he went into the workshop with a vasectomy already scheduled and nothing at the workshop caused him to change his mind, let alone reconsider. I have accepted that, even though I wish things were open for discussion. On the bright side, I no longer feel pressured to make my decision, even if it means that I potentially lose him forever.
I recommend any fence-sitters to read her book "The Baby Decision: How to Make the Most Important Choice of Your Life" by Merle Bombardieri. She is local to Massachusetts, which is where I live. I know the book is out of print, so I don't know how many out-of-state libraries would have it. I know that Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble.com have had used paperback versions to sell (I just bought one).
I have more stuff I could say, but this is long enough as it is. Hope something I said helps someone!!
