BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Struggling with the Childfree Decision

bmac233 - I forgot to ask - how was the Baby Decision workshop? I've never heard of it, but I'd do it if there was something like that near me.

Thanks for the advice. Im sure kids are great and lots of fun. But they are alot of work and take up any free time that a person might have. Im just not looking forward to weight gain, stretch marks etc. I think it's horrible what a woman has to go through to have children. They wreck their bodies at a young age and they won't get it back. Pregnancy and birth is not something I am excited to do.

Remember having children is YOUR choice. There is nothing that says you have to do it. Dont ever be pressured into having them unless you are 100 percent sure. Its just to important a decision.

I totally understand where ya'll are coming from - I too have struggled with the decision for years. I've just never felt that urge to be a mother.

I quit taking birth control several years back due to the weight gain, but we were being careful. If you've read my thread about "peeing on a stick", you know that I became pregnant accidentally, and ended up miscarrying a few weeks ago.

This further confused my feelings. It isn't that I want children right now, but I see my husband's aunt, who never married or had kids, and now her sister (my MIL) is having to tend to her 24 hours a day due to advanced MS. I don't want to be in that situation, where the closest family I have is my brother, who has his own life to tend to.

I think about the holidays, and when my grandparents are gone and the family no longer gathers at their house. But instead, the aunts, who are now grandparents themselves, start to gather with their children and grandchildren. Who will I have? Except my husband and brother.

So this is an agonizing decision. I don't know if I want kids right now, but I think that I want my own family later in life. But my husband and I are so in sync, so happy as we are, just the two of us and our two dogs and two cats.

I have a good friend who just turned 50 and is childfree. She had some interesting insights on the decision. She said that she was always sure she didn't want kids except for two times in her life. The first was coming off birth control pills after being on them for many years. She thinks it might have been a surge of hormones, but as she put it, "Intellectually I still didn't want to have a baby, but my body was telling me to." This feeling passed in a few months. The second time was when she met and fell in love with the man who would become her husband, who was much older than her. He had three adult children, one of whom was pregnant with her first child. My friend was at that time in her late 30s and again felt a strong hormonal impulse to have a child. But when her and her husband talked it over, they discovered that it really wasn't something they wanted.

After talking to her about it, I can see why people always tell childfree people, "You'll change your mind." A woman's body is a strange and wonderful thing, and hormones have a lot of power. Maybe in most women, the hormonal power or desire to have a child is stronger than in those of us who remain childfree. Lately I find myself wondering what motherhood might be like, but intellectually, I still feel it isn't the right choice for me.

Being childfree doesn't mean we can't have the occasional doubt (my friend, at 50, says she's 99.9% happy with her decision, but there's always a little lingering, "what if?") It does mean we can never share those doubts with people who have kids though! They seem to get a gleam in their eyes and are on the verge of saying "I told you so!"

HI ladies - i am new to this forum - and stumbled on these posts - i am a mother - so please don't think i don't understand what you are all going through. We women who choose to have children go through much the same agonizing decisions as you do - but on a different level. At 20 - i had my life all mapped out - finish college - live in my cool apartment - party - have fun.....i was in a long term relationship with my high school sweetheart (6 kids). I found out i was pregnant. Was using precautions (we'd been together for 4 years) - and all of a sudden - here i was pregnant. I was terrified (this was 21 years ago by the way). I thought of not having the baby - i thought of abortion - i even thought of adoption. I wasn't ready to have a child. I was selfish. I didn't have room in my life for a baby! My boyfriend at the time wanted to get married and i refused.

I had the baby (who is now almost 22) and amazing young artist. My father didn't speak to me for a year (i come from an irish catholic upbringing). One - i had a child out of wedlock - and 2 - i'd had sex before marriage! I struggled - alot but i was lucky i had older sisters who'd been married and had kids - and were wonderful teachers - and supporters. I finished school - got a good job - and that apartment - and me and my son - and ex (it didn't work out) tried to co-parent. When he was 3 - i got married. I didn't think i wanted anymore children.

I felt i was a good mom - but i could've been better. I was so young and made so many mistakes.....my husband and i decided to have another baby (he accepted my child as his own - even tho the childs father was very much involved). I was blessed with 2 more children (3 in all - all boys).

In my 40's now - i have friends that are just starting families - thru in-vitro-adoption etc. There is so much pressure on women -to HAVE IT ALL! I remember one thing when i had my first child - because i was so young - and unmarried - the ladies in the maternity ward 'assumed' i was a loser - unfit etc. When i got married and had 2 more children -the difference in the treatment was very different. I was amazed.

Having or not having is a choice - just as i believe it is a choice to be married or single - having children is a big deal. Not for everyone (and when they become teenagers most would say - they wish they hadn't!)....but again a choice.

I have a girlfriend who came from a very bad environment growing up - abuse-divorce - parents fighting over her and her siblings. She told me when we were kids she would never get married and never have kids - she never wanted to do that to them. Jump ahead quite a few years - she met a wonderful man -who is very understanding of her feelings - and they've decided not to have kids. She is a wonderful aunt - my kids LOVE her...and have asked her 'why don't you have kids auntie - you're so much fun' and she has always told them 'because i know i couldn't be as good a mommy as yours' (spun it a bit but you get the message)

We all know our limitations. Sometimes we are tested by other people but we are only living for us. We have to remember that. Having a child has nothing to do with anyone but you-period. Not having a child the same thing. There is an old saying - people who live in glass houses shouldn't cast stones. Most often when people question your actions - they are questioning their own. When someone is not happy with their life - its quite easy for them to pick apart someone else's.

Do i regret my decisions to have children. Never. They have taught me many lessons. I applaud women who stand up for what they believe in - period. Life always presents new opportunities every day - its what we do with those opportunities that matters!

My bf thinks that we need kids because he will need something to do when he retires. I said that I am not going to forever alter my life to have kids just because he will be bored and needs a form of entertainment in retirement. My whole point is that women are not put on earth to breed and care for children. Not everyone can be a doctor, business person, scientist etc but mostly anyone can have children. It doesn't take skills or an education to reproduce. We both work about 12 to 14 hrs a day and have no time for sex. So im not sure where children will fit in. Im not even married or have a house of my own yet. Maybe the kids subject is too premature. For now, my bf and I can't meet in the middle on the subject. Give me 5 years and MAYBE ill change my mind.

I'm so frustrated about this decision-making process...I want to make the right choice, but I'm tired of thinking about it. How can I make a decision and move on. If I'm the kind of person who worries that I won't have the time and energy to raise a child the way I'd want to raise a time, I sure as hell don't want to waste all these hours thinking it through. On the other hand, I have these moments with my sister's son. I read to him over Christmas, and it was just amazing. I don't want to miss out on that in my life, and yet, I can't take more than a day or two at a time with him. I know that people say that having a kid to stem regret is no reason to have a kid, but I tend to think that those people are the ones who never regretted anything in their lives.

Any ideas on how to make this choice?

Someone suggested earlier, try making a list of pros and cons. Its will be right there in black/blue and white, and make sure the reasons are your personal convictions... nothing that comes from what other people say. Good luck hon' if this doesn't work hang in there, try something else, I'm sure someone else will have a suggestion. Patience pays

I have more or less decidecd....my husband had a vasectomy during his first marriage. I use adoption as a fall back plan. 97% of the time, I do not want children. To many lifestyle changes, my career would fall falt on its face, money etc etc.Once and awhile though, I can relate to the poster who mentioned old age. When I am old ( my husband is older and will pass first)who will be there for me? I have one brother who is younger, although he will have his own wife to worry about. I know that this is not an excuse to bring another body into the world, but it seems this is the only feeling I can't shake. The feeling that without a doubt, in the end, I will be alone. That is a very scary thought, and my mortality really comes and slaps me in the face. Has anyone else felt this same way? If you have made the decision and are now older, do you just choose not to think about it? I feel very torn about this, and somedays I can justify giving up everything I love about my life to have a child. Although truly I know that I like the idea of a baby...not 18 years of commitment. I find as I approach 30 I find it more difficult....is that the infamous "clock"? Or am I finally aware that I do have to decide as time is running out?