BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage mid life mom?

I have a serious question in my heart & soul and ask kindly for objective feedback.
Some facts first:
I have been in a relationship with my husband for 4 years now. We have been married just 6 months, he has 4 teen kids from hist 1st marriage. The kids live with their Mom and we see them often, they love their dad and are polite and accepting to me (with the obvious sensitivities & loyalties their mom.)
I have no kids, husband very willing for us to start a family (me 41, he is 45)if I want to.
I wanted children all through my 20's & 30's and gave up due to not finding the right partner. I was in a few long term positive & loving relationships just not ideal.
We are financially stable, physically healthy and in a loving partnership.
I am scared about how life will change and also excited about the potential joys, learning, teaching.....loving & yes the challenges too. 90% of the time I am so committed to having a baby but once in a while I question myself...am I too old, do I really want to change my lifestyle. I woke up last night asking myself these questions (a first).
Is it normal to have a shadow of a doubt???
Gentle opinions encouraged here, thanks.

Hi 4aheathlyfamily, just want to welcome you to the forum, and hope you enjoy your stay.
"Rosie"

Of course!

You have lived 41 years with no children (okay, 38 years with no children other than your step children). Having a baby does change your life around.

I think you are being very honest with yourself about the changes having a little one will bring to your life.

It would be more worrisome if you didn't have any doubts. This just shows that you are a mature woman who is looking at all of your options and considering what changes are going to be made.

So many of us that had children when we were very young never really gave it that much thought. Although I wouldn't trade my children for anything, I know that I didn't account for how much they would change my life.

But don't let your doubts make your decision for you.

You need to weigh your doubts against your (and your husband's) wants. It is no better to let fear rob you of something than it is to let a whim determine the course of your life.

It's very normal to have doubts and to question what impact a child is going to have on your life.

My husband and I have both always wanted children at some stage, but as recently as February I was still looking at the pros and cons and feeling "nervous" about the idea.

Then suddenly it clicked into place for me, and I noticed that for six years we had been planning around eventually having children - there was a space in our lives that we'd left open for the possibility.

I'm now pregnant with our first, and it feels like the most normal and natural thing in the world - and I know that this is because I allowed myself to work through my doubts and be ready, and be aware of how things will be changing.

Thanks you both for such thoughtful replies. I have to admit in this post that I have more than a shadow of a doubt, I really feel unsure. I am not sure how to evaluate such a HUGE decision. I know I am the only one that can make the decision but have you heard of people being on the fence about such a serious matter?
Thanks for listening to my BIG issue.

kindest regards, Lucy

Absolutely. It is a big decision and you're not alone in wanting to really think this through.

I know you might not have much time on your side, but if you need to take some extra time to be sure and it does become too late, you could always consider adoption as an option to help take the pressure off making a decision NOW. Another point with adoption is that, if you are concerned about parenting for 20 years and getting older, you could perhaps consider adopt an older child where you would spend only, say, 10 years parenting.

Just another idea...

Something that might be helpful for you is to find a "Mommy and Me" class - or even the local elementary school PTA - and meet other 'mid-life' moms who are raising young children.

In my group of friends, some had their children later because it took them a long time to get pregnant after they decided to make the commitment to be parents. Sending children off to college when you are nearing or past retirement age is just as much of an adventure as it could be 15 years earlier.

Also, there are quite wonderful older children who can only live up to their potential through the help of adoptive or foster parents. Raising a fine son or daughter who was born to another mother can be as sweet and terrifying as raising them from scratch. If you want to partially experience raising a baby, you can always help out when your husband's teens grow up and start families of their own - plus when you get tired, you can send their babies home with them.

I could only encourage you to take the plunge and have a baby of your own - it must be the hormones still kicking around long after childbirth - but when my daughter was first born, I wanted all my friends, neighbors, and strangers in the supermarket to experience the amazing experience of motherhood, and I still hold the same wish for all women.

That being said, when a nurse in the delivery room put my sweet baby daughter into my arms and told me "You have a daughter; she can go through all the wonderful things you have gone through" I decided then and there to join our local chapter of NOW, just in case we could find some medical way for husbands to go through pregnancy and childbirth instead.

:-)

Listen to all your feelings as you ponder the possibilities ~ this isn't a dress rehearsal for life so make sure to do what you want, if having a child is still important enough to you. And if you do decide that you no longer want to be a mom, give yourself a ceremony to let go of the children you have kept in your heart and dreams so long. The power of the little souls you planned to bring into the world might be keeping you from getting on with whatever else you want to do from now on.

You never have to give up those thoughts and plans, but you might need to let go of them so they fit more comfortably into what might have been.

I'm sorry to be so clumsy trying to explain this ~ and wish you all the best no matter where life takes you.

Pam W
SE of Seattle

It sounds like you have a wonderful relationship with your husband and the perfect environment to bring another life into this world. I would advice having a baby since for me there is no greater joy in life than being a mother. Good luck with your choice.

4ahealthyfamily, read what you've written, specifically the quote you made above.....uh,huh. Finished reading? Now reflect. What you wanted and what was intended for your life can now come to fruition. Do you realize how many women would love to be financially stable and have a physically healthy relationship with their partner? I say, amidst the doubts and fears you have, concentrate more on the laughs and geekie things you'll learn about parenting. Yes, it has challenges but such is life. The higlight is that you're more mature now and would have a better chance at being perhaps a better parent.

I have three children I adore and yes they did change my life, our lives. Boyfriend and I were living life to the fullest when "first came love, then marriage, then baby in the baby carriage" came along. Now, hubbie and I, being very young at ages 22, had to mature very fast. You get me?

Learning, teaching, loving and filled with challenges....isn't that the grand thing about life? Children are dear and a blessing. They can be jerks, hard-heads, problems and issues of drama too, but they'll be yours. God has blessed you with a man that loves you and his kidz (that's a special treat) and desires to make some new babies with his new love....hmm, sounds like an opportunity to take the challenges of life and go with it. If you concentrate too hard on the "what-ifs" in life, you wouldn't leave your house....ever! Think about it.

So, expect changes, cause life changes everday, without our approval and whether you're single or childless. Don't even think its better because kidz are out of the picture. I have a few single friends who would beg to differ but its each to his own. You get on with it. Take this opportunity by the hand, "hand-in-hand" with hubbie, in prayer, and face them together. This is what has made our family so closed-nitched. We took every storm and stride, with disagreements and close-mindedness along the way, and three lovely bratz, we ADORE and brought up three wonderful children. One of which just graduation high school cum laude. See? All the arguments, tears, misunderstandings, were just labels of love. FAmily is so important and hubbie wants to incorporate that with you.

Maybe you're concerned about starting so late in life at your age and this is a cause for concern, I mean, I wouldn't dare think of dropping babies like hot potatoes at this age, but to have a couple or even just one, is something I would definitely consider. Does hubbie have adoring eyes, and you a head full of locks and you both with intelligence and humor to cherry-off the cake, girl, aren't you the least curious as to what your creation by God will look like? So have fun practicing (that's the fun part) and see what happens, afterall, its up to nature anyway.

And to think, I only wanted a dog, condo and a Trans-Am back in high school when I graduated. I really was counting myself short. Wouldn't you think?

I'm glad that you're thinking this over before leaping into motherhood. First off, have you ever had to care for infants in a long term situation? I have no children and part of the reason is that I baby-sat for my entire adolescence. I'm certain that as many of the women on this forum say, having children has been the best thing for them, but for me, it would have been awful. I'm wondering if there's any way you could really get in there and sit with some little ones for a while. When I was young, while I thought the babies were cute, I also endured hours of mind-numbing boredom tending to them. Praying they'd go to sleep so I could pick up the house. You need to figure out what things are important to you now. Do you like to pick up and take off on spontaneous weekend trips, or do you enjoy being at home more? All spontaneity goes when you have a child. Also, as the mother, the bulk of care will fall on your shoulders, including locating child care, making appointments, etc. No matter how "sensitive" the dads of today are, I still see the mom doing pretty much everything. Whatever you decide, I hope you put a lot of thought into it.

Take care...