BellaOnline Forums Relationships Dating Have no idea what's going on with this guy!

Hi all, I am hoping someone can help me make sense of a situation I am in. A few months ago I met a 38-year old guy in town and sparks flew like crazy. We started hanging out, went on a few dates, and things were going well--or so I thought. The big issue is that his "best friend" is a 21 year old female college student. They spend pretty much every waking moment together...even when he and I are sitting watching tv or something at his house, she'll call or text wanting to know what he's doing...and 9 times out of 10 he tells her to come over as well. He has emphasized to me that they are just friends, and I do believe him, but something just doesn't feel right about this. I've told him before that I'm not comfortable with her giving him back scratches, etc. in my presence, and I admit that he's been fairly good at keeping that kind of stuff to a minimum. The really confusing thing is, that when he and I are alone, he says things like "I don't know what to do with her...she's really cool and we have fun together, but she should be hanging out with people her own age. She only hangs out with me, and that bothers me." OK, if it bothers him so much, then why does he enable it? Also, if he likes me as much as I think he does, then why doesn't he use that as an excuse to see less of her? I feel like a third wheel in this burgeoning relationship. Just yesterday, we and about 8 other friends went to a movie. He sat next to her, not me. I'd been at work all day, and this had been the first chance I'd had all day to see him and talk to him...and then I find out he'd spent the ENTIRE day with her.

Like I said, I DO believe that there is nothing romantic goin on with this girl. However, I don't see how he and I can move forward with a relationship (assuming that is what he wants, I know that is what I would like to see happen) with this girl around ALL THE TIME.

So what gives? Am I being completely unreasonable to be bothered by this? Guys--I'm especially interested to hear your take on this. Can he really be into me, and "just friends" with this girl at the same time? I admit, I am jealous of the amount of time they spend together...I wish it were me in her place. That is a personality flaw on my part, and I recognize it and am working really hard not to be that way, but I have to admit that it is there.

Thoughts?

Sorry for the rambling post. I've never been in a situation like this before!

Would it be possible for the two of you to play match-maker and find her a boyfriend?

You need to get away from him and quick before you are hurt anymore. You need to sit down with him, tell him to turn his cell phone off and demand five minutes of his time.

Tell him exactly what you are feeling and let him know that it is okay to spend time with her, platonic time, when you are not around but when you are around, she doesn't need to be.

I think you are kidding yourself if you think they are not being intimate with each other. There is obviously some kind of sexual attraction there. He is treating her like he is HER boyfriend and not a boy who is a friend.

I say run. Run fast, run far, but run. There are too many other single guys out there who would love the attention you want to give and plenty who will return it as well.

Don't settle for second best.

He's made comments before like "I need to set you up with my brother." BUT, his brother lives in California...we're on the East Coast, so obviously, there's nothing realistic about that statement. I know that she just broke up with her boyfriend a few months back...and I wonder if she is looking for a relationship with "my guy," even tho he's too old for her...

Thanks Vance. I have said something to him spending so much of his time with her, and although we had a rational, calm discussion about it, he did not like it. It's just so weird...this guy takes me to meet his parents, tells me how much his dad said he likes me, but then continues to hang out with this younger girl all the time. (By the way, I'm 35...probably should have mentioned that before.)

My gut tells me he's being honest about his relationship with this girl...it IS possible, right, that it is only platonic? Or are all guys fibbers in this regard???

It is hard to say for him because I don't personally know him but if it were me and this girl was all over any other guy like that, let's just say it would be awful hard for most to resist.

If it is platonic, and this keeps up, the sexual tension will continue to grow until they do a little drinking or the mood just happens to be right or something when you are not around then who knows....?

If you stay in this relationship the way it is, then it is my belief that you may be setting yourself up for a big letdown. Don't do that to yourself.

I have to agree with Vance. I think the fact that he doesn't put a stop to it is a big red flag.

Remind him that 3 is usually a crowd and that you both need to spend some more alone time together. If he is serious about you, he will respect your feelings and make some changes. If he isn't, you should find yourself someone more deserving of what you have to offer.

Whatever the outcome, I wish you the best.

Your instincts are obviously telling you something is stange about their "relationship." Don't ignore those instincts. They are there for a reason.

I agree - run. Find someone else who doesn't have that type of a "friendship" with anyone.

You are all right. Just last night I texted him if he was interested in watching a movie with me. He said he didn't know. I suggested a couple of movies, and he said he was hanging out with Sally (not her real name) at the moment, and to come over and we'd make plans. I told him I wasn't interested in the "trio" getting together. He immediately went on the defensive, asking if I was going to "get weird" on him. I told him that he needed to level with this other girl concerning his seeing me, and he essentially refused, saying "not until several other things transpire." I asked what things he was referring to, and all I got back was "DTR. Time. Distance. Time. Are you gonna get weird on me and weird me out? That would be unfortunate. And weird." (I assume DTR means "Define the Relationship?" Hell, isn't that what I have been trying to do?) I think the guy is off his rocker...too much baggage or something. He is divorced (says his first wife cheated on him and got addicted to drugs...could be true, I never knew her) and apparently has something else significant that happened to him in his past that he will not talk to me about...at least, he says, not yet...not until he trusts me. I was willing to give him a shot, to try to build his trust in me, but I think I'm gonna have to move on. He doesn't seem to understand that I need to be able to trust him, too, and he's not making that possible with his friendship with the coed, and especially when he invalidates my feelings on the subject by asking if I'm going to "get weird" on him--what does that even mean????

I need to disclose that I am also divorced--in a nutshell, my husband wanted children badly and I did not. This was something that we had discussed at length prior to marriage, and I had been by told him that "he was fine with not having kids." I trusted him on that, but found out quickly that he thought he could "change my mind" once we were married. It ended very badly. Therefore, I have a difficult time trusting guys now as it is, and I'm pretty sure I can't trust this new guy either.

Thanks to you all for the affirmation of my instincts. Too often I ignore them...that's what got me into the failed marriage in the first place. I ignored a LOT of red flags as we planned the wedding...stupidly thinking that "everything would be ok." And it wasn't...should have listened to myself!!!

Thanks again!