BellaOnline Forums Family Step Parenting Kids coming for Christmas

This is my first post and looking for some advice and/or validation for where I'm heading. My husband has 3 really great kids who live in CA with their mom. We live in TX. Kids are 13(boy), 11(boy), and 8(girl). I was able to spend a a couple of days with them this summer. (We weren't married then and are married now. My husband didn't hide that fact with them and they know we are married now.) Of course, it was tense and stressful at first but by the end of the short summer visit, it was okay. I considered it as successful as it could be. They weren't calling me mommy (i don't believe i want them to call me mom at any point) and there was still obvious hesitations from all, but it was okay and pleasant and what i had expected. Apparently the oldest went back home and told the ex that he liked me and had a good time; unfortunately, the ex chewed him out for that and couldn't believe that he had the nerve to like me. So since then they don't want my husband to talk about me to them and say they don't want to come for Christmas. The 11 year old won't even talk to his dad on the phone for 3 weeks now. The 8 year old tells her dad she wants to come for Christmas but emails from the ex say she doesn't. Of course, the ex is eating this up and oblivious that they are probably taking this stance to be on her side and are feeding off of her energy and attitudes about it. My husband is a great father and does everything in his power to talk to them every day and fly out to visit them and see their plays and visit their schools as much as possible. He has always taken care of the bills for flights and gone far above what their decree tells him to because the ex doesn't lift a finger to make any effort in meeting any requirements she is supposed to. So, Christmas...i believe they will still come and the 13 yr old has said he wants to come. They have never been to "our" home before. I have made rooms just for them so they can have a place that is their own. I don't want to be pushy and make them feel stressed. i'm trying not to have any expectations. I'm going to be myself, care for them as any responsible adult would care for children, we will hold back on any husband/wife lovey dovey stuff for this first visit, i am not planning on giving them any gifts this Christmas. And i plan on being as positive, relaxed, and lighthearted as possible. I'm hoping that good vibes will go a long way and they will see that the bad things their mother says about my husband and me will fade as actions speak louder than words in the long run. I have never and never will say anything bad about their mom to them and i will let them know that i'm not here to take their mom's place. I don't want to be their mom; i want to be their friend and a new person in their life where we can build our own relationships over time. We already had a little talk about this when they were here for the summer. I have struggled with my role and my boundaries with the kids and the ex. I hope time will help define that. What am i missing? What advice is out there? I want to do a good job at this without being an extra burden on the kids' hearts. And as for the ex, i've given up that she will be realistic and will try to help the kids move forward instead of keeping them in "the ICU of her bedroom" and keeping them down in the pit of negativity and blame with her. i hope that one day my husband and i can be their refuge from that. thanks to any one who is listening and can provide words of wisdom and experience.

can i reply to my own post? i'm new to this. but i've been reading many posts today from others and their replies. so many of you are knowledgeable and have much to share. i appreciate all of it. i hesitate to comment to messages yet because i feel so inexperienced, especially about being a stepmom. i don't even have children of my own yet....and i'm 37. call me a late bloomer. but reading your input to other situations that seem very similar to mine have given me hope and a renewed sense that not every little thing done or said is the end of the world. i can't assume anything and i can't jump to conclusions. i may not be able to control what the children think and can't impact in any way what the ex-wife says and does, but i can control what i do and say and how i choose to handle the situations. and i can be the best 2nd wife i can be to support my husband and his children. what it all boils down to in the end from me i think is did i do, say and act from my heart and with love and with the best intentions. so far so good...even though sometimes i feel like i could scream and yell about this stuff. going to read more posts and might even have the courage to respond. thanks again to all.

Hi--
It doesn't sound like you're "missing" anything! I'm definitely not a pro at being a "step-mom," but when you say you want to be as "positive, relaxed, and lighthearted" as possible, and that you understand that actions speak louder than words, I think that's the best that we can do in our roles. You won't ever be able to control your husband's ex; in fact, her reactions are pretty normal, I think, for an ex, based on what I've experienced and what others have posted. In time, she will (hopefully!) move on and accept that her ex-husband has moved on . . . and if not, the kids will learn to see through her insecurity as they see you and your husband in a loving, stable relationship. If you don't feel comfortable giving them gifts since you don't really know them well, what my husband and I did during our first Christmas together was give some gifts to his daughter from the both of us. That helped her to see that he and I were "together," and kind of that we were both part of her "family." If you feel you know them well enough, you could give a little something that's personal for each one just from you--maybe based on your interactions with them from the summer. As kids, they're just looking to see who's going to be in their lives and for how long. And as kids of divorced parents, they may also just be looking for stability and acceptance. Looks like you're already getting there!
Good luck to you!

wow, oh thank you so much. you don't know how desperate i am to learn what i'm doing right and wrong and how i can do this better. i like your idea of "together" gifts, even if my name just happens to be on the little "to/from" tag. i have so many ideas of things to do with them and for them. but i keep putting on the brakes because i don't want to go too fast and blow the whole thing. i really just want the kids and my husband to be happy.

Let me just chime in and tell you that you are doing everything right considering. I went through the same thing when I met my husband and his kids. His ex was (and still is) horrible and a mess (drugs,welfare,arrests,etc). Back in the beginning, she went so far as to drop her son off on my doorstep on Thanksgiving to live with me (my husband and I were not married and just dating) She thought it was a perfect way to break us up. Once I got him settled in, she spent the rest of his time with me telling him how crazy I was. He was all of 14 at the time and the only message he got out of the whole situation is that his mother "dumped" him off to live with a crazy person. (he has never been the same) Needless to say, his future from that point on has not been good. All I could do was love him and support him. To this day, I still do no matter what road he happens to be on at the time. My husband and I are still married (11 years - together for 15) so all of her tricks didn't work. We moved to Florida and she literally put him on a plane and didn't tell us until he was at the airport in Orlando. He kept wanting to live with her and she kept kicking him out. She even made him live in a car in her driveway one winter.

I agree with the "together" Christmas gifts. I think if you give nothing, it may be a negative message they may never forget (or the ex will never let them forget). Be yourself. I always told my kids from my first marriage that I expect them to treat their stepdad with the same respect they would their teachers. He wasn't taking the place of their father but was taking the place of my husband. I think this is what is emotionally confusing to them. Once they got older (now 28,25,and 22) and started relationships of their own, they understood the whole "relationship" thing. My kids love their stepdad now and I know my stepson loves me. My stepdaughter (now 25) has taken the emotional abuse from her mother and will have nothing to do with me. She is so fearful of loosing her mother's love like her brother did and would rather not have a relationship with me or her father in order to keep her mother. Sad, but it does happen. Trust me when I say, none of this is really going to matter too much when they are in their 20's and on their own. What they do remember is only what they want to remember. Good or bad, it will be "their truth" no matter how hard you try.

Just love them...

I've been so occupied with work lately that i've not been online at all. Dapple, your experience is so helpful for me. thank you so much for sharing.

the latest on my situation is that the son 13 is ready to come for the holidays. not that he will be opened arms to me but at least he's willng to try and most importanly he will be with his dad for Christmas. we think the daughter 8 is also okay with coming to be with daddy but is being confused by the desperation of their mother to stay with them over Christmas. and the son 11 has refused to talk to his dad since october. my husband has tried to communicate with him over email but the responses he gets are sketchy because we thing the ex is writing the responses, or at least influencing them greatly. the 11 year old says he doesn't want to come and will feel sad, angry, confused, uncomfortable in our home because of me and wants to spend Christmas with his mom. my husband will travel to pick them up and has told the ex that the children WILL come for Christmas. of course, she is apparently twisting that into "your father is physically forcing you to go." but i have always tried to be empathtic to her feelings because i know she is probably afraid that they may actually like it here and any mother may be afraid that they would like the new wife more than her. she doesn't want to loose them in any way. i know they are her life. i know that is ridiculous...we only have the love of one mother. i never would expect them to love/like me that way. but maybe she has those fears. unfortunatley, i've been "slammed and slurred" so much by her, i have very little empathy left for her. but i do forgive her for those things. i wish her the happiest life possible.

In the past sermons at church they have talked about forgiveness. i really have forgiven the ex for all of the hateful lies and twisted truths she has said about me and my husband and has probably told partially to the children. i don't want to live with that pain of anger toward someone else. so, i'm still trying to move ahead and look forward to the future. the "together" gifts we've decided on are new Christmas stockings stuffed full of goodies, three denim bean bag chairs with their names on them, a day at build a bear for the girl and cell phone plans for the boys. hopefully that will also facilitate a better line of communication for them to their dad. plus it will help the ex with finances and also with daily communication with the kids.

bottom line is i'm ready and willing to do anything and everything to make the kids lives healthy, happy, and successful and to help my husband with everything that goes along with being a divorced dad.

stepforward,

If you have the legal rights I would force the kids to visit during Christmas. Don't give up any visits. Look up Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) and learn what you can. You might be surprised at how the kids behave when they're out of sight with their mom. My own SD can sometimes be really cruel to me, but I've realized it's due to her mother's brainwashing efforts. Usually after a couple of days SD is fine.

It's going to be especially hard for you to fight PAS long distance but you can do it. Just don't waiver on the visits. Make the kids come every chance you get.

Don't ever expect the ex wife to act adult like and normal, just you and your husband stay above the fray. When the kids get their demand respectful behavior. One thing I told my SD is this "you don't have to love me, or like me, but you will behave respectfully towards me in my home." Sometimes I've had to say it several times, as has her father, but after three years of us being together she's really a lot better. Transition time is shorter, and she's typically chatty and happy around me after about an hour, and then also reverts back to bad behavior right before she goes home.

Just remember that these kids will not be kids forever, make everything about you and your husband as much as possible, and mostly detach from the kids and leave parenting and decisions up to him.

Good luck.