BellaOnline Forums Religion and Spirituality Philosophy On Self-Love...

Many of us have walked through a difficult past. What lessons have you learned from it? Women in general are nurturers, and some of us have learned a difficult lessons of over-nurturing others and forgetting about ourselves. Through your tough times, what did you do to take care of yourself so you could be strong enough again to move forward?

I love you hear your story.
Thank you,
Cara

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Ok, since I started this thread, I will go first.

I am currently separating myself from a very difficult relationship with a man of almost a decade. There were many beautiful and understanding moments in our early relationship. However, as the disease of addiction progressed in our marriage, both of us have become "insane" in a sense that chaos has been the constant component throughout our relationship. Many lessons life threw me in the last few years and especially in the last few months have been extremely painful. Truth is not always pretty although necessary. However, the gift is that in the process of constructing a new, healthier life for myself, I am forced to reexamine my values and my choices in life.

In the last chaotic decade, I became lost. I stopped taking good care of myself both physically and emotionally. I was too busy trying to rescue my husband and all the choices he has made in life. In doing so, I became an obsessively controlling woman who was lost and depressed. As my partner continued using the substances of his choice, I chose food to mask my pain. 40 pounds later, I don't even recognize myself. It's not about the weight, it's about the respect for my body, and my "responsibility" of self-care.

I am learning to eat better and exercise regularly now I live alone. I have to force myself to walk away from work and have some scheduled time for rest. However, the most important lesson I have learned in this difficult relationship is to acceptance and honor my "humaneness" and all the flaws of my personality. It's a hard thing for an ex-perfectionist. I have allowed myself to grieve and get angry. I have learned to look at myself with love and compassion instead of shame. It's often a 2 step forward and 1 step back process, and I have to learn that self-love means patience as well.

Cara, wow.

What can I do but to bow to your experience, in honor and understanding.

I thank you for your site, and for Michelle's thread on Toaism.

Your story so clearly reflects that of my own of and Bylen's.

The men whom we select to make a life with, so often reflect the most dark side of ourselves. We, in essence, call to them, so that they can show us who we are. If we are wise, we will see our own reflection in their behaviors, and honor the need for "self love" and healing.

I read your article on self love, and saw myself in every line. What I gained from my experience, and from seeing it in your article, was that deep within our true selves, the truth never dies. That our worth no matter what, trumps the string of lies that we end up kneeling in deference to. And the biggest lie that we are taught, is that other people matter more than our selves. And, furthermore, that when we have the belief that other people matter more, people who sing the song of our own self-denial and betrayal will show up in our lives so that we can finally see...see what lies we have been deferring to. We can say that these people are "evil" or we can honor them for showing us the truth. Then let them go, with gratitude. For who else would show us such raw truth...and allow us to reject the lies and embrace the truth?

I still strive for self love. As you so eloquently stated, we are taught, in a society designed against self appreciation (for if one truly appreciates ones self, why would we rely upon products and services, or other individuals' self hatred to buy it for us?) and for lying down for the sake of others, to stand up in appreciation for the astounding women that we are is to somehow undermine the success of others. To make a statement against the shameful lie that this is, is nearly to demean the American way. While I do stand tall in appreciation that I was born to a country which celebrates individuality, it is with rebellion that I acknowledge the severe movement toward extreme capitalism, which shames the woman who celebrates herself before the dollar which demands our ultimate worship, or before the person who exploits her willingness to give.

In my Stomach Issues Site, I support and endorse the individuals' choice to take care of themselves. To make choices that support their own ultimate health, and not to appease the belief that drugs and illness laden foods are the answer to health and happiness. For me, humanity, not capitalism is the true American way - the way which embraces who we are and the freedoms to express, that we are given.

Shay

Cara:
I'd have to write a book if I told you all I have learned
The main things I have learned is...

First...
Flaws are our good qualities in situations that don't fit. A wait and see and think things through approach may become procrastination in a situation that needs quick decisions. There are no flaws. Everything serves us well under the right situation. If you lost the flaws you'd also loose the qualities that come with it. We have to not only accept our flaws but love them too.

Second...
Don't be too hard on yourself or others when bad choices are made. if the world was all choices between the right thing to do and the wrong thing, none of us would have problems. Conflict comes from trying to make a decision when you only have bad choices and you must pick one. Most situations don't have perfect answers.

Third....
We have to be able to see the difference between when we are chaotic and when the situation is chaotic. In a chaotic situation we can only do what we can do. In a situation with no logic or rules you have nothing to rely on and you just have to do your best. Don't expect your best in these situations to be much and don't be hard on yourself when they aren't.

Fourth...
have compassion for others. We're all struggling. We're all walking this path together, and we can not possibly know what others have gone through and how they got where they are today. Pass no judgment, the world doesn't need it. it has enough of that already.

Fifth...
Learn to realize when fear controls you, accept it and let it pass. Only when we stop fearing can we love unconditionally. When we love unconditionally we find that we have a love for all mankind, with no thought to what we may get in return. But we absolutly have to include ourseleves in the equation.

Sixth...
When a best friend is being mistreated, you would step in, and protect your friend from the abuse. You would probably ask that your friend be treated with respect, and if it continued you would probably put your arm around your friend and lead them away, removing them from the situation. We deserve no less from ourselves for ourselves. Be your own best friend.

Seventh...
We are each responsible for our own words and actions... How we treat each other and how we let them treat us. We must accept the consequences of those actions. This is not the same as blame. It's owning up to what you do.

Eight....
Know what is acceptable to you and don't accept what isn't.
Removing yourself from a situation can be the very best and clearest message that you respect yourself. If someone is abusing you on the phone, hang up. In person, walk away.
How we treat ourselves and how we allow others to treat us tells others how we want to be treated. We set the ground rules for that.

I guess all this boils down to.. kindness.
Treat yourself and others well. Life is hard enough without us making it harder for each other.
Act with compassion. When we leave the world will the mark we left on it be from a gentle touch or a hard slap?

Bylen

Shay,

Thank you. Yes, who we have chosen to be in our lives reflect the deepest beliefs of ourselves. This is the most difficult aspect of healing. It demands great courage to take inventory of oneself and truly face our dark sides. It's all too easy to simply point the finger at others as in doing so, we never grow.

I resonate what you said about that "deep within our true selves, the truth never dies". No, the truth can never die. I believe the pain we experience is our struggles to distinguish between what we truly know and the lies we were taught.

As you said, humanity, not capitalism is the American way. It is a beautiful country where we are embraced with the freedom of personal growth. It's also a country that I am proud and tremendously grateful to call home. I too on my site encourage freedom of expression and individuality. It's the beauty of a free community.

Cara

Bylen,
First of all HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

Secondly, you should seriously think about writing a book about all that you know as your personal philosophy and your knowledge on the Eastern philosophy has been a great inspiration to our forum members.

I hope you have a wonderful birthday today and thank you for sharing your thoughts on BellaOnline.

Cara

Bylen,

I totally agree that it boils down to kindness. Many of us are kind and compassionate towards others, but why do we choose to be so harsh on ourselves?

Two nights ago, I came to a realization that I like to look into volunteering hospice work. I have wanted to do this for many years, but never had a chance to pursuit it while managing all the chaos in my marriage. You said, "When we leave the world will the mark we left on it be from a gentle touch or a hard slap?", I cannot agree more. At the end of our days, all those little things we stress over will not matter anymore. It's our greatest hope that our journey has touched the world around us and left it a better place.

Cara

Thanks for the Happy Birthday, but ummm.. I put the wrong month down. It's next month. So sorry about that. But I don't mind I get two wishes for the price of one
I choke when I try to write. I've been told before I should write a book, but when it comes down to it I usually think "Who would want to hear my ramblings?"
Thats not saying I don't love to write, I have words packed away everywhere on papers, in word documents etc.
But I do better getting it out if I have a catalyst. You are great at being a catalyst Cara, you make me think about things and force me to put it into a somewhat understandable sentax.

I think volunteering would be something that can really make you feel like you have contributed to the world, but there are many other ways. Every life we touch is a contribution. Don't overlook the great things you already do.
Cara, I am so sorry you're having difficulty with your marriage. Life is so hard,even on good days and when things are going smoothly, just the day to day living can be draining. It's amazing to me that we cope as well as we do under stress.
Sometimes taking care of others can give us relief from our own problems. Volunteering could add stress to your life, but it might just relieve some of it too. You probably wouldn't find that out till after you volunteer.
I love dogs and I have considered volunteering at the local humane shelter, but I haven't made the move to do that. The truth is, I'm not sure I could handle it. They have to put so many dogs down a month, and just the thought of even one being put down breaks my heart.

Bylen

Well Bylen,
I guess we will have to celebrate it again in a month.



ME!!! I know I am not unique on this one. I was taught "when you really have something to say, people will show up." I really have been enjoying all of your posts. There is a certain gracefulness in both yours and Shay's writing that truly touches me.

Thanks for the advice on volunteering, I am careful about it as my time is limited. I have the tendency to "overload", and I have learned over the years to think at least 3 times before I take on something.

I used to volunteer at an animal shelter many years ago (11 ??), and was not able to do it for a long time for the similar reasons you stated. I wanted to bring every unwanted animal home, and was so heartbroken all the time. I was not sure if I was doing anything good for the world.

The dog you see in the picture to your left came from a humane society. He was not a "popular" dog as he was in the "back" kennel. However, he turned out to be the best dog one can ever have. He was already potty trained, knew basic commands, and was extremely loving. However, no one really paid attention to him in the shelter as most people were looking for nice breeds such as labs or golden retrievers. Anyways, it has been a blessing to have him.

The difficulty I experience in my relationship has been a blessing to me as I have come to learn my strength. I have to say, somedays I even surprised myself. Thanks for your kind words.

Cara