BellaOnline Forums Relationships Divorce Getting remarried = kids unhappy

I have been divorced for four years and have finally met someone that I truly love. I am so worried the my daughters - 13 and 15 will never want me to get married again - I know they don't. How do I deal with this? Not only do I love him, but financially - I can't keep living off of one income. What can I do to help my daughters along? Right now they like him, but I think if I told them we were getting married - they would hate him!! I have no intentions of getting married until everyone is on board. He is a widower and doesn't deserve to go through a miserable marriage with my girls and my girls have had to deal with a divorce and don't deserve to have to live with a step dad. Any advice would be appreciated!!

Hi Anniev,

Congratulations on finding someone you love truly. It's never an easy thing to get remarried for both the adults and the children involved. What's does your boyfriend think about this? How does he feel about the girls and the possible negative reactions from them? Does he have kids as well?

*I think it's important to show your girls that you love them and will always be there for them in life. Children need that sense of security.* As you are developing your relationship with your boyfriend, never neglect your children's needs. If you try hard to let your girls know that there will be "no competition" for your affections, I think they perhaps will feel better and "safer" to accept a step-father. 13 & 15 are difficult ages as most teenagers by nature are self-centered (I mean it in a good way as it's a normal maturing process.).

Try not to worry so much as I think there are lessons for everyone here. Although it's not majority, I have seen happy, blended families where step parents and the children from previous marriages share a healthy bond.

Welcome to BellaOnline! I hope you will find it an interesting and supportive online community.

Take care,
Cara

First of all you cannot wait until they get on board. This is your life and as long as they know that, they'll learn to live with it. What exactly makes you think they'll hate him. My girls were Thrilled that I was getting married. I just got remarried in May.

If you really think they'll have a bad reaction you need to talk to them about it and put your foot down and tell them their attitudes will not be tolerated. Period. Living with a step dad can be awesome.

Just because you went through a divorce doesn't mean you don't deserve to be happy. They should want you to be happy. I'm sure they do. At your girls ages, they will be gone before you know it, don't wait on having a life till they're gone it will not be appreciated by them, trust me on this.

My oldest will be 22 the 28th and the best thing I ever did for her was teach her that I am a human being with needs, desires, hopes, and plans OUTSIDE of her.

Together we have four daughters ages 22, 17,16 and 14 and even his daughter is happy we are together.

You set the tone, you can do it!

First of all, I think that you should have a talk with them. Allow them to express their feelings openly. Even if you don't like their feelings, try to be understanding. In turn, explain your own feelings.

If they are not happy with the decision, they are entitled to feel their feelings. Acknowledge that. Let them know that it is okay to feel the way they do. The worst thing you can do is to try to strongarm them into feeling how you want them to. This is not the time for "because I said so." (Though in my opinion, it never is.)

After that, explain the situation to them. Let them know that although it may be a difficult transition, it can be made somewhat easier by keeping the lines of communication open. Throughout, remember to be there for them. Remember to respect their feelings as they should respect yours.

Also remember, your children are people, too. It doesn't matter how old they are, they have feelings just like you do. The difference is that they are younger. At their ages they are still learning how to deal with new emotions. You, on the other hand, have had considerably more experience than them.

If you keep all this in mind, things should be fine.