BellaOnline Forums Relationships Bereavement Family Estrangement

Spouse has nothing to do with Spouse's family - lots of anger there. Won't get help about it.

You love Spouse, and Spouse's family. It hurts, and you feel in the middle.

What to do?

Why is there anger? Is there an issue that can be resolved so that everyone can re-connect and move forward?

I am in this situation and have been for 15 years. I am the culprit and I can tell you that my avoidance of a certain family member has been completely justifiable for my own mental health. My husband supports me 100% when I decide to avoid large family get-togethers because of this person's participation. It's just best for all parties involved. My husband puts my feelings first as we are married and although he has felt resentful in some respects in the beginning, we have been married 24 years and going strong. I love him for respecting my discomfort with the family individual. If the shoes were on the other foot I would support him 100% as well. There is an old saying about when you marry you leave your mother and father and join with your wife or husband and create a new union. I'm not suggesting you leave your family ties altogether, just that if there are issues that you make provisions and allow for acceptance in the process with love for your spouse always. I married my husband, not my abusive in-law that finds pleasure in degrading me every chance he gets, so I choose to stay away from family gatherings. My husband has no problem with my decision and actually respects my backbone.

I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL, MY MOTHER IN LAW DOES THE SAME THING, SHE ACTS LIKE ITS A BIG JOKE AND ITS NOT. SHE TALKS ABOUT YOU WHEN YOUR NOT PRESENT AND DENIES IT WHEN YOU CONFRONT HER. CHRISTMAS EVE FOR EXAMPLE, I DIDN'T WANT TO GO TO MY BROTHER IN LAW AND MY HUSBAND FEELS THE SAME. WELL WE HEARD LATER SHE HAD MADE COMMENTS LIKE IT MUST BE NICE TO STAY HOME AND DRINK COFFEE ALL DAY.....I HAD JUST CLOSED MY HAIR SALON AND ,WAS TAKING A BREAK-SO I WAS NOT WORKING AT THE TIME. THAT I DON'T TALK TO ANYONE(LIKE I'M A SNOB OR SOMETHING). WELL MY OTHER VROTHER IN LAW IS MARRIED TO A GIRL THAT WON'T EVEN SAY BOO, YOU TRY TO TALK TO HER AND I GET MORE RESPONCE FROM THE WALLS, YOU GET TO A POINT YOU JUST QUIT TRYING.
THEN MY FAMILY-MY SONS IS SUCH A LONG COMPLICATED STORY, IT JUST BREAKS MY HEART.
SORRY FOR MY LONG REPLY-I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW SOMETIMES NOT GOING TO FAMILY FUNCTIONS ARE LESS STRESSFULL..

tanningkitty - I am all for reducing stress and not doing the "family thing" if it creates severe discomfort. What's the point of showing your face if you are miserable? It's comforting to know there are other people out there that have issues with this.

HI,
I went through the same thing with my in-laws. After trying to get along with them for around 20 yrs. I gave up. Most of them are alcoholics, some of them use drugs & most of them play around on their spouses. They are very hateful people who enjoy trying to cause as much trouble as they can for others. Also they will try to do anything to try to destroy a person, by lying etc.

You did not share too much of what is really going on. But I'm sure there is a good reason that your spouse does not want to bother with them. My husband does not bother with his brothers or his sister. We get along great with his aunts & everyone else. He used to just visit his mom once a month till she passed aways. She was the leader of all of this conflict too. I agree with the people who posted before me. You can't change people & force them to treat you well. But that does not mean we should put up with abusive treatment from anyone, including relatives & family members.

My husband, then later on my daughter & I spent too many holidays suffering & putting up with these evil people. We are all more at peace now that we dont' have the stress of dealing with them. I know that it is a big loss to have family members not get along. I wish that most people could get along. If not that at least act polite & civil. But some people don't want to do that. Also there are some people who are not capable of acting decent. I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this. It is lousy. Take care, Judy K. Chicago.

Good, good answers. Toxic people do not have to be tolerated in the name of family. they broke the bond.

husband and wife should, indeed, support each other.

here's a question for all of you: what do you do when the toxic one has a birthday? or at holidays? card? no card? gift?

one more thing - do you pray for them?

Jaci

HI JACI,
I do pray for them. They need it. Well, they always ignored my birthday & our daugther's too. So, we did the same thing. When my husband's mom was still alive, he did get her cards & gifts for the holdidays & her birthday. It all depends on the situation. You don't have to give gifts etc. if the people are very toxic. As I mentioned it all depends. My husband used to just see his mom once a month but not his brother's & sister. They were impossible to get along with. We tried many different times to talk to these people. We tried to get along with them.

It does not always work out. For our own sanity & peace we had to stop all contact with them. But I always prayed for them. I would just ask God to bless them. I would not get into a big prayer session about them. I just keep it very simple.

No one should tolerate toxic & abusive people just because they are family members. Yes, the wife & husband should support each other. But there are times that the wife or husband can also be out of line. Take care. Judy K. Chicago.

When I was having open heart surgery my brother-in-law that I cannot tolerate showed up at the hospital, he claims in support of my husband, who didn't need him there. When I heard that he was out in the hallway my blood pressure started to sky rocket and all kinds of alarms went off on my monitors. The nurse actually asked him to leave the hospital. When his daughter graduate from high school my husband gave her $1000 for graduation because she's his niece and Goddaughter, but when my son graduated we didn't get so much as a "congratulations" in the mail. Grrr. So I'm not for sending out invitations, birthday cards, congratulations, or anything else for this individual. I don't wish him bad things in life, but he is not a part of our life.

To me, the best way to deal with toxic people is NOT to deal with them. If a person uses up all their chances, you're better off not dealing with them at all. I speak from experience. When someone is never honest with you, how CAN you deal with them? You can't.

It's like I just read in a book, you wouldn't put your hand on a hot stove more than once, would you? Just avoid these people as much as possible.

Need a Biblical basis? Look at what Joseph (Old Testament) did after being betrayed by his brothers. Granted he was forcibly removed to Egypt; BUT when he became powerful and rich, he did NOT use his resources to arrange a trip back to Palestine to visit the home folks. He stayed put in good old Egypt. When his family showed up in Egypt, he was STILL careful about becoming chummy with them. On the other hand, he NEVER dwelt on how he had suffered at their hands. He simply bloomed where he was planted and made something positive out of his life. So, I see the fact that he did not dwell on their betrayal as a form of forgiveness. He was not comsumed with rage or the desire for revenge, but he behaved very practically in not returning to the hot stove for more "burns."