BellaOnline Forums Family Moms Mother Inlaw issues: Please help!

Hi how are you?...I need some advise about what to do with my mother inlaw. She is ruining my marriage. The first thing my mother inlaw said to me when i met her was that her son was a mama's boy. I dont see it that way at all. I see a mother that cant let go of her son. My husband and I are both drained from all of this and not to mention the strain that its put on our marriage. He has tried to say no to her, and by doing this now holds on to guilt. Im not asking him to choose between us. The fact of the matter is. It is his mother. I feel myself ready to leave at times because i cant take much more. The reasons why i feel the way i do is because we use to live with his mother and father. I was pregnant at the time. I had a very stressful pregnancy do to his family. I was gaining weight like you normaly do while your pregnant. She would always remind me about it to. Telling me to bend my fat A** over to pick something up or telling me how round i was getting. I tried to over look her mean comments, but after awhile enough is enough. My grandfather and grandmother also passed away at this time to, 4 months between each death. So i was also very hurt and morning two people i loved dearly. She told me i was lazy and need to get over all this. I was depressed. She didnt wanna hear it. She told me i was a cry baby. My husband at that time was the only one working, he was paying all the bills, buying all the food, plus what ever his mother and father wanted or needed, Plus there car insurance etc. Plus all of our own bills. It became to much on us, so we ended up moving out and getting our own place, so we could be alone and start our life together. Every payday she now calls here asking him for money, food, asking him to pay bills, buy her cigarettes etc. We make enough money to pay our bills, never having any money left over, and if we do, she wants it. Never ever calls to ask how anyone is doing. or how her grandson is. She just wants money or something, kinda makes you not want to answer the phone when they call, because you know its not just to say hi. Im just tired of them disrupting our lives. My husband and i argue about it alot, because he always feels guily saying no, but our bills are suffering because of it. Im not sure what to do here or how to handle it. I wanted to go talk to his mother about this, but they have such nasty aditudes its kinda hard. So if anyone one has any advise they can give me about this, please do tell. Before this ruins my marriage. thanks everyone.

Trying using caller ID. If you know she is calling don't answer.

First let me say how sorry I am that this is happening to you. I am not an expert but how about if they are in financial difficulty there are several things you can do to help without draining your own bank account Check in your area to see what senior centers are available, I know positively that they can eat there for approx $1.50 (this may vary more or less) so that solves the food problem. When you do get ahold of the senior center ask what programs they have to help them with their bills, again I do not know what the programs are called but their are several that will help them pay their utility bills and it may not hurt to mention they need to get out more, again the senior center could probably help with that as I am pretty sure they have a bus.
This might not solve all the problems but it will solve alot of their reasons for calling, hope this helps.

Thanks so much for responding. The thing is, they dont qualify for senior centers or anything like that. Since there not seniors yet. They choose not to work because they dont want to. They will give you every excuse of why they cant. They just expect there son to take care of them, and feel there doing nothing wrong. They act as if he owes them. Thats why its so frustrating. They rather live off people them help themselves. Im not use to anything like that since i come from a home where my mom had to work to provide for my brother and i, and till this day she still works hard, sometimes working 3 jobs to get what she wants and needs. But thank you and taking the time to help.

Hello and welcome aboard. Seems like you have a handful there. You might wanna fill your hubbie in on the fact that he is now MARRIED and though he will always be mom-in-law's son, he is a husband and father now and somehow the split responsibilies will have to include your family (you, child and hubbie) first. I'm married myself to a moma's boy and we went through a few hard times with mom vs. wifee until, he stood up, rather reluctanctly at first but alas, with courage and said, "mom, you will treat my wife with respect, she is a part of me" "mom, you are very rude and that really isnt' necessary".

Now, did this work instantly....NOT! But, seeing he stood up and took up for me, gave his mom a much needed impression of her son's priorities. Does he love his mom? yes, very much. Does he love me? Of course. Does he love mom over me, absolutely not. There is a difference in the way he loves both of us and your hubbie has to realize that, get over his fear, approach mom with love and humility and state the facts, even if she gets upset. Believe me, she won't stop loving him or those adorable grandchildren.

Most moms are very territorial over their sons but until the son addresses it, it will never resolve or heal.

Your dear sweet husband (bless his heart being between a rock and a hard place) will have to speak up and eventually, you may have to too. It's okay to care for mom and dad, because they are our responsibility but to an extent...remember that. Hope this helps. Bye!

I'm no expert and I can certainly see where you have valid complaints, but I feel bad for your husband, too. His parents are supposed to love and respect him and it seems to me that they are using him. I wonder if he has let this situation go on this long because when they are satisfied he feels loved?

The best thing for your relationship might be to find some family counselling and let a professional sort it out with your husband. This would take you out of the loop as much as possible, prevent arguments between the two of you and keep peace in your home.