BellaOnline Forums Family Step Parenting Hurtful Stepdaughter

Hi, I am new to this forum and read a few of the posts about Stepdaughters. My problem isn't much different from some of the others but feel like it is.

My stepdaughter (now age 25)started emailing her father through MySpace. It worked out pretty well for them because she had just moved to live with her boyfriend and it was a cheaper way to contact her father, show photos and have fun with it. Well, to make a long story short, she and her mother (his ex-wife)started blasting me on Myspace and this really upset my husband. I don't mean just a few comments but actual letters, blogs and messages about how much she hated me. Now, I have always known she was not fond of me but figured it was the whole "wicked step mother" thing. But, my husband was crushed. He confronted her about it and she flipped out. Told him that he was just a "phone Dad" and that he did not know her. She completely stopped talking to him until her first daughter was born. They spoke back and forth for awhile until she started the MySpace thing all over again. The emails he got from her are so alarming. She accused me of a dozen things that I have not done and pretty much told him she wanted nothing to do with him so long as he is married to me.

We have been married for 11 years and together for 15. We adopted a little girl together just about 5 years ago. All of this started shortly after the adoption. She posted a blog about how she was "his blood daughter" and that no one would replace her(at that time she was 21). Our daughter is "not her sister" she would say and write.

He and I have talked about this quite often and both agree that her mother is playing a big part in all of this but that She is definately responsible for her own actions. Now, after her second daughter's birth, she is still not talking to him.

It feels good to get this off of my chest. You cannot imagine how I felt when I saw the look on his face after reading much of her hatefulness. There is no communication between her and I. I have confronted her about the way she treats her father a couple of times 1 year ago but I know that probably only fueled the fire. She is very unpredictable and suffers from some emotional damage. Her mother was verbally abusive to both her and her brother and I feel this is the result...pure anger.

Now she has two children under the age of 3, she is not married, and is isolated in a state where she has no immediate family (living with the father of her two children).

Is this type of behavior common? I have known this child since she was 10 years old and always wondered about her emotional state but I figured she would grow out of it. I was so wrong. How do I help my husband get through this? I don't think she will ever come around without some serious help from a professional. He loves our daughter and would never let this behavior stand in the way of me or her. Is this more serious then I think?

Dapple, just want to welcome you to the forum, and hope you enjoy your stay!
Rosie

Hi Dapple,
I have had two adult step daughters to deal with in my second marriage, and it is has been hell with both in different ways. I had step children in my first marriage, and the situation was never this difficult. In fact, I still maintain a good relationship with them now though they have much more reason to feel hurt and disappointed with me since they opened their hearts to me when I came into their lives only to later deal with their father's and my divorce. The children of my second children have been much more difficult. My husband's eldest daughter also has alot of emotional probnlems and I am sure hated me from the outset, viewing me as a homewrecker and cause of her family's meltdown. Perhaps her mom fed into this. I really don't know. In any case, what I really want to say to you is that so much of this stuff is way beyond our control. In fact it seems to bear no relationship to what we say or do at all. At least your husband seems to be outraged for you instead of making excuses for his daughter's appalling behavior. It always amazes me when I read the posts about how ugly and vindictive these adult step kids can be to the new wives. Wicked step mothers notwithstanding, my guess is that what is lacking is not an honest attempt to contact by stepmoms but the kind of love and support they need from their dads to reassure them they are still loved. I think when adult children cannot confront their father's emotional inadequacy it's so much easier to blame someone else than to express the hurt they feel toward thier parent who remarries - hence the resenment and envy toward the "interloper". I don't know if this makes sense, but after years of wondering what I have done wrong, I have started to look at my husband's behavior and how it contributes to the situation. Being women we naturally assume responsibility for everyone's feelings and behavior, but maybe we should focus instead on how our husband's are navigating this incredibly difficult situation with their children. THEY, after all, are the parents of these adult children, not US. We mustn't take the responsibility for relationships that are ultimately not ours to manage. Take care

Thank you Janet59. I agree with everything you said. I can see what you mean about the father's assuming responsibility. Mine tends to misread much of what is going on and always wants to believe that I could be over reacting. Just this weekend he was telling me how we were going to be spending time with his son and grandson when in fact, his son does not want me or our daughter to visit at all...just his father. I tried to explain that to my husband but he won't accept it. I think he is having a very difficult time thinking that his children are rejecting his family. I am not new to the scene at all but are now becoming the "reason". It seems to me that he and his children are not being honest with each other. His son lives only 2 1/2 hours away and has never visited us once. Yet, when we make the trip up there for family functions, he wants his father to ignore everyone and spend all of the free time with him. This kid is 28 years old. My husband won't turn his back on me and our daughter. He's very good that way. I want him to have special time with his children. I want him to fly to see his daughter or drive up to see his son but I don't think he feels "safe" without me.(you would have to know the whole story) He would never admit it. When his son writes, "I want just you, me and my son to go out to dinner" and my husband shows me and says "look, he wants all all to go out for dinner. We can meet your son and his girlfriend and have dinner together." I get the impression that he is either not paying attention or looking for me to be the fall guy when we all show up at the restaurant. It will be interesting to see what happens. It's amazing that even at the age of 25 and 28, these two adults still act like children when dealing with their father. I am not going to be the bad guy in this situation. I am going to go out to eat with my son and his new girlfriend, take our daughter to see her big brother and tell my husband to come if he would like (because my son wants us all there)

Wish me luck!

I absolutely wish you luck. I can totally identify with what you are saying about your husband's not feeling "safe" interacting with his children if you are not there. I don't know how old you are but I am turning 50 next year and in my generation (and, I learned, my husband's) the woman did all the emotional "labour" with the children including into adulthood, and the man was the breadwinner who kind of observed family life from the sidelines (except perhaps as the disciplinarian). When the woman was gone either through death or divorce, the man is suddenly thrust into the uncomfortable position of having to take responsibility for and manage these relationships, and he simply does not have the skills. When I watch my husband interact (or not) with his adult children its like seeing my father all over again... he seems strangely ill at ease, cannot really connect, always has to have some kind of prop like the television, talks only in banalities... Any kind of conflict is totally overwhelming to him. My husband has been estranged from his eldest daughter since she moved out and rather than work hard to reconcile with her, he sits and wonders what went wrong and feels hurt and doesn't pick up the phone. I'm reasonably sure you or I would never let that situation go on interminably with our children. My husband used to insist that I had to be present when he spent time with his family and his kids, and I kew that they all would be relieved if I wasn't there, so I simply wouldn't go. It took me a long time to figure out that it had nothing to do with his wanting me to be close to them and everything to do with relying on "the wife" (the way he relied on his former spouse) to make things "normal" i.e. the way he was raised to understand normal -- man, wife, kids. Not man with kids of his own and wife who the kids truthfully don't care about and probably never will. You are a better person than me to keep trying, I just said, "Look, if anyone in your family subtly or not so sublty makes it clear that I am not welcome, I am not the least hurt. You spend all the time you like and need with them, but I won't be there." He has come to accept it for the most part, but will never recognize his children's bad behavior, and, in truth, no parent including me ever does.
Take care
Janet

Wow...are we long lost sisters! ha ha ha. I will be turning 46 soon and my husband is 9 years older then me. We tried very hard to blend our two families but it was very difficult. Now, my two adult children find my husband to be a big part of their lives but it wasn't always like that. The ex always interfered but when he passed away, so did all of that stress (for all of us). Unfortunately, my husband's ex is still a big negative influence on his kids and there is nothing we can do about it. Boy you are so correct with the "uncomfortable position" he finds himself in. I do all of the gift shopping, holiday planning, etc. I love it but if I don't do it for his kids, it doesn't get done. So, I have done what you have been doing and not getting involved. I'm not angry, just tired. He always appreciates my help and is a fantastic father to our 6 year old (adopted from China). While growing up, his ex would tell his kids that he was a bad father and didn't love them. He spent every other weekend with them and did most of it "explaining" what their mother told them. When we met, it was so much easier on him to bring his kids home and they would play with mine. But, ever since the adoption, they have been so horrible to him. Especially his daughter. His son accepts her as his sister but his daughter refuses. So, I kick in with the motherly protection and announced that his daughter and our daughter can never be left alone together. He gets no birthday cards, no father's day cards, barely any acknowledgment at Christmas. It breaks my heart which drives that wedge even deeper.

My father always told me I was the nucleus of our family. Everyone comes to me for help, advise and for someone to snap at (someone to hate). His children need a lot of emotional help and are both stuck in the teenage years (12 to 14). My husband's not their shrink. His parents are still alive and married. He had no idea of divorce and what pain is involved so was totally unprepared. My husband never insists I do anything with his kids but also doesn't seem to do anything with them without me. They see it and think I am the one who is insisting on being there all of the time interfering with their relationship. Brainwashing him into marrying me and adopting. He really thought that once they moved away from their mother, they would mature, grow and thrive but they are still "stuck" and he is clueless on how to help. He has been estranged from his daughter on and off since she moved in with her boyfriend and had two kids. He's not sitting there wondering what went wrong but is wondering why now? The spitefulness really wears him down. She made the choice not to ever speak to him again but is playing the victim to the rest of the family (his 4 sisters). Luckily they don't get involved. Smart on their part. Guys really don't know how to handle the emotional stuff. They really do need us to help them or shield them. I feel the same way you do about his family. If they don't like me, that's fine with me. I don't feel like I am missing anything at all but I know he does.

Do you have any trouble with his ex? My husband's ex (since 1988) shows up uninvited to family functions like she belongs there and claims she is representing "their" children. It's really strange. She's remarried to the man she was cheating with during their marriage and he stays in the car or stays at home. His family is too nice to tell her to get lost. She makes a complete fool of herself. I stay clear...she is way to unpredictable.

UPDATE:

Just needed to vent again. My SD has gotten her mother (my husband's ex of 20 years) to get his elderly parents involved in her arguement with him. Uuuggghhhh. We are going up there this next weekend to visit and his ex "tends to stop by once in awhile" according to his parents. The two of them (SD and her mother) are really causing some problems and stirring everyone up. They spread lies and upset him parents which upsets him. Still SD won't speak to her father but is trying to convince his family that he is the one not talking to her. I see the pain in his eyes when he tells me these things. Does this happen to anyone else? I mean, it's bad enough to deal with an angry step daughter but having to deal with the ex wife on top of it after 20 years is getting a bit old.

Its good to know that i am not the only person with these step daughter issues.

I met my husband when his daughters were about to turn 5 and 6 years old. They were the sweetest little girls and i grew to love them and treat them as if they were my own. Maybe that is where i made a mistake? I didn't have children of my own, so i enjoyed spending time with the girls and just wanted to have a positive impact on their lives. We only had visitation on weekends, holidays, summers, etc., so i tried to always make plans with them and have as much quality time as possible. The ex-wife was always in the wings trying to control the situation but regardless we kept our focus on the kids.

All in all, things went pretty well for the most part until the "teenage" years hit...ugh, the girls started saying they had plans with their friends on our weekends so they didn't want to come to our house, and it escalated from there. The ex-wife didn't want to make them come visit us and let them make up their own minds at age 13. Eventually, to avoid coming to our house all together, they started saying hurtful things about me, that i was why they didn't want to come over anymore, although they couldn't really give any valid reasons. The oldest influenced the younger one and the ex-wife jumped right on board with them. Soon they quit communicating with their father completely and we spent most of their teenage years with no involvement with them. It broke my heart and their dad's, but their mom was letting them do as they wanted, go where they wanted, etc., and we were not willing to let them run all over us.

Now they are 21 and almost 20 years old, still acting like spoiled little brats. Both moved out of their mom's house when at 18 even though they were still in high school and moved in with boyfriends. They did finish high school (shocking), but that's where the successes ended. They job hopped, partied, slept around, you name it. They have came to us since becoming adults, needing $$ help then they're gone again until the next time they need something. The 21 year old just found out she's pregnant(sadly, she planned it) by her 34 year old boyfriend who is currently on probabation, is a recovering heroin user, and doesn't work, and she has a PT waitress job and still can not even maintain her car insurance (sorry America, another welfare baby for us to support). The 19 year old, well she won't speak to us at all, she is hateful, angry, and i heard deals pot to her friends.

I've carried the guilt of being the reason they don't come around us and I AM DONE WITH THAT!! I wasn't perfect by any means but i absolutely did the best i could in my position for those girls and i have no regrets about my step parenting. I think their father could have handled things differently through the years, but i think he did the best he could as well. Bottom line, they didn't want to be around us because we did not tolerate their behavior or disrespect and i stand by that today. Its hard to believe 2 sweet girls could grow up to be so self centered, irresponsible, and disrespectful, I am so disappointed in their behavior that i feel like i don't have any love for them anymore, as much as it pains me to admit. This situation has eaten me up inside for so long and finally i can relieve myself of the burden, it is not mine to bear any longer. I wish them both well and do care about them but i am done trying to "make nice" with them because neither of them obviously have a conscious. They and their mother have made these choices and as far as i am concerned they can now live with them AND PAY FOR THEM!!

I have learned that i can only control me and my actions, if an adult doesn't want a relationship with you there's really nothing you can do to change that other than accept it and move on and that is exactly what i am doing!

You are not along in having these issues. My SD planned both of her pregnancies with her boyfriend but isn't married (we think he won't marry her). Both times, she didn't call her father to tell him they were born but plays the victim because he didn't call. He can't win. Some of the letters she has sent him are very alarming and I fear for the safety of those two small children she has brought into this world. She is so very very angry. I am very careful about what I say to my husband about her. I don't bring her up in conversation but will talk with him when he wants to talk about his diappointment in her. I want to be supportive. I am discusted with her behavior towards him to the point that if he ever got sick or hurt, I would never call her and let her know. Isn't that awful? She's not welcome in our home and I do not want her anywhere near our daughter. There are only two people in my life that I have ever felt this strongly about and that is both her and her mother. They are just too mean to be around. They love to hate...it's what they do best.

I could see when she was younger that she had a problem. When she was about 10 years old, she cut all of her mother's clothes up with scissors. Her mother refused to take her and her brother to counseling so they really suffered. My husband went a whole summer without seeing his kids because she refused to let him. She would tell the children that their father "didn't want them" and "refused to come and get them". Her mother's boyfriend (now husband) would punish them by making them "take showers" or would throw away items they liked or what we bought them. It was really abusive. The verbal abuse, drug abuse and welfare abuse went on for years but the state wouldn't do anything about it.

Now, I have this very angry adult step daughter who considers her mother a hero.

I am in somewhat the same position as you all - except i am the bio mom of 3 boys - dealing with my ex and his newfound 'love' - ive also remarried to a wonderful guy 5 years ago - so he is my kids step-parent. The problem i have is that my ex absolutely HATES my husband and has for YEARS made comments to his face and behind his back - he has said things to the kids - which in turn have made them treat my husband disrespectfully (their step father). I was married the first time for 12 years -left because he had an affair (and other reasons) The boys know how their father is - but they still feed into his poison saying 'he's our dad'. I don't get involved. My ex lost his license to a DUI last year - so his girlfriend picks up the boys and brings them to her house. I facilitate them seeing their father all the time - even when he's disappeared for months - doesn't pay child support etc. I have NEVER not let him see the kids. The issue is - he says things to the kids - they come home and talk nasty. I've tried to talk to my ex about this - but he's a 'changed man' lately and IN LOVE and im the nutty one!

There have been nasty messages on facebook - ignorant and rude -trying to goad me on - but i don't jump at the bate. I even had his girlfriend of the moment (ive been thru this 4x with him and each relationship has ended with him getting charged or hurting them in some way) - his 'love' told me that i should really listen to the kids - and not blame them because i look at them and see their father.

At first i conversed with her online - keeping the lines of communication open. Just recently my middle son moved out -he's 18 - and didn't want to follow the rules - and he said - HE HATES my husband. This isn't the first time this has happened. When he was 13 his father lied to me and stole him from a baseball game (long story) but the short one - he plied him with money and what he could give him and told him he was better. 2 1/2 years ago - he called me and asked to come home. Said he was afraid his father was going to hurt him - was left at home with no food - no clean clothes -etc. Told me terrible stories. My ex wouldn't admit any wrong doing - so for 2 years that had limited contact. Now all of a sudden he's superdad - and he's in love and he's a changed man - and my son sees that.

Listen - i say that sarcastically because i've been down this road MANY times with him before - my ex knows how to manipulate people - including his family who he's always feuding with - to get what he wants.

My husband (the boys step parent) has always tried to show the boys the right way to treat people - how to be a respectful young man. Now my son calls him anal - and an a....hole etc.It got pretty heated last week - text messages etc -i just said - this is going to stop.

My husband has tried -but he's also not without error in judgements. He admits that. He'd never had kids when he met me nor had ever been married. He jumped into my world - 3 kids and an idiot ex to deal with. He's been around for the past 8 years and has watched my ex treat me and the boys like [censored]. My ex says that he has no business saying anything - and at times in the past - they've both almost come to blows...it hasn't been good.

I waffled with the boys - meaning - when i shouldn't done what i said - i waffled through my guilt about the divorce and all the [censored] they've had to deal with - with their father - that i wasn't as strict as i should've been. Karma is a b....ch i tell ya - i pray everyday - and i make sure i don't get in the middle of all the drama with my ex. I know eventually my son will see the light - again!