BellaOnline Forums Relationships Divorce Including the ex

I made a pack with my ex husband that when our girls got married we would dance together at their wedding during the mother / father dance.

We have taken this to another level in that we include each other in every aspect of the children�s lives no matter which parent the child is with at that moment. We use the telephone, the computer and snail mail to make sure the absent parent is involved in day-to-day events.

We learned to communicate long distance because their father is in the military. We were already used to him being gone a lot, and we simply carried on the contact with the children the same way after divorce as pre-divorce. The only difference was that sometimes my children would go be with their father, and the communication was from them to me, rather than from us to daddy.

Now our children are older, they are 21, 17, and 16 years old. They are wonderful, happy, productive, beautiful young women. Even with divorce happening young in their lives, they feel a big connection with their father; they email him daily, talk to him by phone daily if he is not deployed, and enjoy a close relationship with his side of the family. Divorce did not change their relationship with their father in any way. We have made sure of that.

But, it wasn't easy. I was hurt when we divorced, he left me for another woman. But, due to events and problems we had during our marriage with his OTHER ex, I decided early on that I wouldn't do that. I figured it wasn't my job to punish him for his actions, nor was it right to use his children as a weapon to do the punishing, no matter how justified I felt.

I had times where I threw up after talking to him because I was pushing my feelings down so much that something had to come up. I hid this from the girls, of course, and eventually what my grandma taught me years ago about "acting as if" started working.

Today I call my ex's wife a friend, and I believe my ex to be a friend too. When they visit the children, they stay here, at my house. To some people this seems strange I guess. I've even had people say that I was teaching my children that cheating is ok, but never once have I ever suggested that what they did was ok, just that it's not my job to punish them, and I believe I am teaching the most important lesson of all, Forgiveness.

I'm curious about how you all feel about this. Do you have forgiveness in your life? How has forgiveness manifested itself in your life?

I've forgiven my ex. He is what he is; and actually, he displayed aspects of his personality very early on that if I hadn't been so young, and hadn't thought my choices were limited I surely would have paid more attention to.

So he's him. He was not faithful when we were together, and he used anger and refusal to make decisions and withholding his company from me to mentally abuse me all of our time together, including the 3 years before we married (I was 21, he was 18). He's who he is... I spent a lot of time hoping that would change, and now that it's really over (for 1.5 years now) I accept that it's not possible to change someone; it's hard to change YOURSELF, when you know you want and need to change... change has to come from each of us on our own, and it's hard work. If he doesn't see the need to change, or has attempted it and failed, that can't be my problem any more.

So, I forgive him. I was reading another thread about post-break-up hurting, when the other person finds someone new or dates. I am going through that. It's the hardest thing to understand, however, because he systematically killed my "in love" all those years. I truly am not in love with him. There are things I like about him, and since we have children & memories I will always care what happens to him, and hope he will find happiness. But I don't love him. So I wish it didn't hurt so much when I see him take a phone call, or see charges on the company VISA that couldn't possibly be for just one person.

Yeah. We work together, we have a consulting business. It's tough. I sometimes wish I were like my friend, who kicked her husband out 2 years ago and hardly ever sees him now. She doesn't have to have the evidence of his meaningless flings with people he meets on the internet dropped in her lap. I try to dissassociate myself from that hurt, and tell myself there's no basis for it, but it's tough.

Since we work together he sees me and the girls quite often. He travels a lot, but when he's in town we're all in the office together, and we get along very well. Everyone says it's weird. My secretary, who is also a friend, cries and confronts me with why we can't make it work since we're obviously very good friends, and it's obvious we still care about each other. There are things I could never tell her about what went on before the divorce out of respect for him... so listening to that is pretty hard to do.

My EX is 75 years old now, There are many things i can not forgive him for, But he has become a better person now that he's an old man. We are friends, but it will never become any thing but friends.

I've come to discover that sometimes it's not that the people we married were bad men or tht they set out to hurt us. In my case my ex came to the marriage with too much childhood baggage. He was never able to recover and after 17 years of marriage he imploded. I wasnt perfect, but I went to counseling and learned to deal with my demons. He could never face his.
Fortunately, after 5 years apart..two of them actually divorced.. we are able to talk about the kids like adults. We can have casual conversations in front of the children. We see each other at functions. The pain is not longer sharp, just a dull ache that flares up every now and then. We're even meeting for lunch today to talk about a variety of kid related things..and I have a feeling he's going to tell me about his new girlfriend (tho it's not news to me) and ask if we could meet. I posted a few months ago when I found out about his girl, and at that time I was torn up. That pain is gone now. Just one more step in the process of recovery.
We have to move on. There's a reason for the old adage forgive and forget. I think we have to forgive for ourselves and not the other person. The forget part is harder, but I find that its getting easier. One day, one step at a time.

Wow Stephanie-

That's really extraordinary. Kudos to you kiddo :-) I think for most people it is difficult operating in that 'friendly zone' because it is reminiscent of a friendly zone we once shared that also included love. Does that make sense? Typically in a marriage (or friendship for that matter) we have intersecting interests, and the best way I know to describe that is to draw three circles with each sharing some common areas with the other two. For me, when a relationship 'fails' it is the action of removing that common area from the picture, resulting in a fractured picture. In the case of a divorce, trying to re-create a different 'friendly zone' with different rules, and still intersects is an enormous challenge, especially if infidelity and betrayal are involved.

I may have posted this before, but we have a site dedicated to divorce and recovery called Divorce Recovery Suite. (Edited by the Divorce Editor to remove link)

It's hard to include someone in your children's life that chooses not to be a part of it. I was married for 12 years (3 kids) - he lfet me for another woman - we've been divorced for 10 years -and i married again 5 years ago to a wonderful man.

My ex was mentally and physically abusive. He drank alot and used his issues for excuses. He also had childhood baggage that he wasn't willing to face - until his father passed 2 years ago and he fell apart. He is now in a committed (well - i say that but he had 5 affairs on me - i know stupid!) relationship and she's very nice. I have tried to include him in lots of things - keep him informed - but he used excuse after excuse. The amazing thing is - the boys just take it in stride. If he doesn't show up for a game - he says he was sick - okay fine. When i call him and ask him why he doesn't show up - he says - mind my own business.

The kids have learned to face him themselves. I don't hide things from them. I figure its best for them to figure it out on their own. They know what i went through with him. As they've gotten older - i have learned to stand and listen to him rant - nod my head and that's it. Rarely do i take what he says to heart. He's very nasty sometimes and i know he hurts the boys - so at times i am grateful he isn't a part of their lives at times.

He has put them through alot of issues/changes. They talk to me - and i listen. They love their dad - but i think sometimes - even when we go and get help for ourselves - we can't change them. True change in oneself only happens when we let it. The past and karma are scarry things. If you don't deal with it - it often comes back to bite you.

My divorce from my husband was necessary because of his verbal and emotional abuse. Still, he used every ounce of his money and parent's money to attack me through the courts. After all of the anger and hatred he showed to me, I still could not trash him to the kids. The summer of 2004, he passed away. Dropped dead on the ground in front of our daughter. She was 16 at the time and handled it pretty well considering. Our son was 19 at the time and on his own. He too has handled it pretty well. So, all of my "ex-husband problems" are gone. I know it sounds cold but the Friday before he died, he was contacting the state to file more unfounded charges against me.

But, unfortuately, my wonderful husband now has an ex-wife that just won't go away. His kids are 25 and 28 and she still pulls them into her triangle of lies and hatred. To me, it is very sad because they are really missing out on a wonderful relationship with their father. She spreads lies about me personally and won't stop "showing up" at family functions un-invited. My father-in-law's birthday was the day before Thanksgiving (he turned 80)...there she was, 20 years after the divorce acting like she was a big part of the family and making a fool of herself. I was unable to be there which is most likely why she showed up, and my poor mother in law thought I was going to be mad at her. I just told her that this women is very lonely and doesn't have a wonderful family like ours. "Feel sorry for her". Her current husband doesn't care whether she comes or goes so being neglected like this must really feel terrible.

I on the other hand do not trust her at all. My husband does not trust her at all. She does nothing good unless their is some type of motive attached. She is selfish, unstable, and extremely paranoid. She walks around like she is owed some type of entitlement to hurt people. It's disturbing all the way around. Now Christmas is coming up and I can only imagine what she is planning on doing to pull all of the attention in her direction.

Well, that's my story...Anyone have any advise?

I caught my ex in the next door neighbor's bed naked after three years of marriage. Once I moved out, life was fine. We still spent Christmas Eves together, filed our income taxes together and had dinner dates until we divorced six years after that. My boss paid for it! Now I call him when something needs fixing... if I'm not dating a handyman.

wow Dapple I am not sure what to say about your husband's ex, except I would stay as far away and OUT OF IT as possible and let your husband handle that.

Sometimes getting along with someone is impossible due to abusive behavior or addictions, in that case, you cannot go as far as I have in having a relationship with someone, but it is still possible to forgive.

You can forgive someone even while choosing to never allow them in your life again.

For instance: My birth father is a criminal. I have no desire to see him, talk to him, or be near him. But, I forgive him. He had a horrible life, and he is now in prison and will end his life in prison. I have empathy for him,though he never did for anyone else, because he never got it from anyone in his life, including his own parents who abused him. But, I will not expose myself to him. But I have forgiven him.

As the saying goes, "He knows not what he is doing."