BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids So two days ago, I peed on a stick...

And our childfree life came to a screeching halt. We're pregnant. This is so far out of left field that I can't even comprehend it. We had decided that we didn't want kids, at least not for a few more years, if even then. That plan is out the window.

I'm walking around like a zombie. My husband doesn't know what to say or do. We just skip dinner and go to bed.

I realize that there are "options", but I couldn't live with myself if we terminated, so I'm trying to come to terms with this. I tell myself that I don't know anyone who regrets having their kids.

Our reasons for not wanting one right now are selfish - we like our lifestyle and freedom. The expense of a baby will change that lifestyle. But the cars are paid for, the hot rods don't cost anything to keep. We are still paying on the Harley, but I wouldn't dare tell my husband that he should get rid of it. We'll need a bigger house - ours is a 2 br, about 950 sf.

So I guess I'm here because no one else will understand how I feel. They say that having a baby is a blessing and the best thing that will ever happen to you. That may be true, but when you've NEVER pictured yourself as a mom, or as parents (rather than just a couple), it is a really hard thing to accept. I had my entire life envisioned one way, now it will be totally different, like it is someone else's. It just isn't something that we can comprehend right now.

Two days later, the shock is just starting to fade. Encouraging thoughts are creeping in, and I'm trying to tell myself that this is okay, and we'll be okay. Parenthood is what you make of it, and while we can't strap a car seat to the motorcyle's luggage rack, I guess it would fit in the back seat of the hot rod. So maybe life won't have to completely change - I can see myself toting our kid around at a car show.

I guess the upside is that we can reconnect with all of our friends who have kids. We'll have more in common now!

I am so sorry you are going through this right now; it must be incredibly difficult to know what to do or feel. Have you considered giving up the child for adoption?

No, I wouldn't do that. I'm not incredibly religious, but I feel like things happen for a reason. I'm just hoping that in a few months, I'll look back and see how silly it was to feel this way.

We are talking quite a bit about it. My husband says that he gets a bad vibe from me, and that it concerns him that I am so negative about it, but want to go through with it. I just feel like we are in utter shock right now, and I'm terrified. I'm slowly getting used to the idea. He and I were texting earlier, and I told him that I'm feeling a little better about it, and could he get used to the idea, and parenthood is what you make of it. He says he's unsure, and I think he is more surprised and worried than I am at this point.

The funny thing - I had decided that we weren't trying to have kids right now, and we'd put off the decision for a couple more years. But RIGHT NOW, we would not try to have any. BUT, if it just happened, it would be alright. That way, we wouldn't have to make the decision. So oddly enough, this is the path that I had chosen, but I just thought I'd be happier about it if it ever did happen.

Although I'm sorry that you are in a position that you would prefer not to be in -- remember, it isn't the end of the world.

I was married for 10+ years before my son was born. Was it an adjustment? Of course. I had the advantage on you of desparately having wanted that child (infertility is a literal pain in the butt sometimes), but --

We did our best to integrate our son into our lives. We took him with us when we went to dinner. We got together with friends. We helped him learn to sleep in different settings, so we could go visit family out of state. (And he would fall asleep in the stroller, so if we were just visiting during the day, he could nap while we talked or whatever we were doing.)

Any time you have news that was unexpected -- be it death, pregnancy, illness -- there is a time of adjustment and adapting your thinking.

Best of luck with figuring out how to make the adjustments work for you and your dh.

Thanks Ms. A - its hard to not think of it as the end of the world. We just don't want to be like those sickeningly sweet parents who take joy in telling how many dirty diapers they've changed, or how wonderful breast feeding is (gross - I'm not a farm animal).

If you truly love your childfree life, just remember to be EXTRA careful. We were careful, but after nearly 14 years together, you get a little lax sometimes on the birth control. Take it from me - this isn't what we wanted!

But that's life, and I guess you play with the hand you are dealt.

Hi Jenny,

My 2nd child was a complete surprise to us. My great uncle had just committed suicide, and in the emotional stress - I did not pay attention to my pills.

It was an absolutely horrible time for us to get pregnant. Our marriage was on the rocks, finances were terrible, I cried my eyes ou when I saw the result of my test. And I walked around in shock for days thinking "what are we going to do?" When there was really only one answer - have the baby.

Then about 3 weeks later I started bleeding badly. I had a slight abruption (tearing away) of the placenta from the uterus. I was put on bedrest. And it hit me that I almost lost the baby. No matter how bad the timing was, no matter how much I wish things were different - I was having this baby now, and I did not want to lose her.

I understand how shocking this is for you. But having a baby does not have to be the end of being a couple. It just takes more planning. And in some ways it can make you appreciate your couple time together more.

I'm not telling you to be all happy happy/ joy joy about this; but try not to think of it as the end of the world.

As a mom with 3 kids I can say truthfully - the years fly by. It seems like I just had my first child and he will be graduating high school next year! That's the one thing about kids, you raise them up to become adults and go out on their own. And then you go party.

Please take care of yourself.

I'm trying really hard to accept it. Sometimes I just have to try not to think about it so that I don't freak myself out more. I feel like in a few months, I'll be excited and this will seem ridiculous to have felt this way.

My husband is slower to come around. I told him that since I am the one physically tied to the situation, it probably makes it easier for me to accept, and he agreed. I can't read him though, and I hope that he's trying to get used to the idea, and not hoping that I'll terminate, which we briefly talked about.

There's no good reason NOT to have a baby right now. We've done our partying - always told people that we were doing things in reverse order. Party, buy the Harley and the fun cars, travel like crazy, then settle down and maybe have kids. Well, we've been married nearly nine years, and have done all of that.

We've just recently been talking about how good life is, and he keeps telling me horror stories about his friends' wives and how goofy they can be, and how lucky we are to have what we have together.

If this had happened to me I would definitely have an abortion. In fact at twenty 25 I did have an abortion and I'm Roman Catholic. I don't have any regrets about having had the abortion. It was the right decision for me. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

Raising kids is a huge responsibilty which I don't want or need in my life. I have plenty of nieces and nephews and that is enough for me.


Just curious, what kind of birth control were you using ? Since the two of you didn't want kids did you ever think about sterilization ?


By the way, I'm 35.

When I was 21, and my husband and I had only been dating about two years, I also had one. It was the right decision at the time, and while I know that, it still bothers me. I don't regret it, but I know with certainty that I couldn't do it again.

At that time, I had just been accepted to the college of my dreams and was tranferring in a couple of months. It wouldn't have worked out at all.

But now, the reasons are only selfish - that we don't want to change our lifestyle. So I can't do it for selfish reasons - they are really just related to material things.

I went off BC pills four years ago due to the weight gain, and we've been using condoms. But if I'd just finished a cycle, sometimes we wouldn't use one and he'd just get out in time. (That sounds gross.) So it was careless.

I'm also on the birth control pill to regulation my cycle. I have been on the pill for about ten years. My periods were very irregular I never knew when I was going to get it.

I also like my lifestyle the way it is now. There is nothing wrong about not wanting kids. Some people are just not up to the responsiblity. Even if I hit lotto tomorrow, I still wouldn't have kids. I just don't like the idea of pregnancy and childbirth no matter how natural it is.

Good Luck to you anyway. I hope everything works out for you.