BellaOnline Forums Family Moms UNDECIDED-to be or not to be a mom....what to do?

Hello everyone. This is my first time being public and expressing my doubts, concerns and fears on line. I need your advice......
Let me tell you a little about myself so you can get to know my situation
I'm 27 years old. I'm turning 28 next year in April. I'm an elementary school children. Teaching for 5 years special education, students with autism, cerebral palsy, seizures, angelman syndrome, down syndrome, blind and low vision, deaf and hard of hearing and all the disabilities you can think of. I've been married for one year. I love my husband and from time to time I want to have children but other times I'm so glad I don't have that HUGE responsibility. I enjoy my time for myself and not worry about anyone but my husband and me. I know my husband wants children he has told me but has never pressured me. He always tells me that when it is time it is time. I want to have children but I'm scared that my life will be over. I don't want to put my husband in second place because of a child, I love him so much that I would feel guilty if I did. I'm scared of getting fat and having that jelly belly. My husband and I have talked about it and we set a plan that I would join the gym and go everyday at least for one hour and I have his full support and hire a personal trainer to get my body back. I like to take care of myself and I've always watch what I eat and make sure that If i gain a couple of pounds I loose them within a month. Since I work with children with special needs I'm scared that my child will turn out like them and I would just hate that. The parents that I deal with have A LOT in their hands and 80% of their marriages end up in a divorce. My husband and I have talked about and decided that if I do end up with a special needs child we would send it ASAP to a group home because I know myself and I know I couldn't deal with such pressure (it sounds mean but trust me these kids get better looked after in a group home). I'm scared of getting fat and my feet will swell and growing up watching A BABY STORY from TLC was not a good idea. I'm also scared that my sex life will end, I love sex, I love love making and I don't want that to end. I'm an independent person and there are times when I want to be alone by myself or just enjoy my husband, and I'm scared that if I have a child i won't have that, no privacy. We have spoken to both sides of our parents and I know that I will drop of my kid for the weekend with my or his parents and enjoy marriage life. So pretty much I have it all figured out but why am I still so scared? I want to have children but giving birth petrifies me. I don't want to be in pain. So, I've decided that if I do have children I will deliver in a C section and epideral and not deliver the baby naturally. My husband has 3 sister and one brother who will most likely never get married and reproduce. So even though no one from his family has said anything to me I know that it's in my hands to get his family name to continue. Do I want children? I do.... sometimes, I think about it everyday, I think what is the point of working your whole life have money and no kids. I think that my future life without kids will be fun, we will travel, shop,eat (like we do now) but it I will feel and empty spot. I know I will regret not having kids ( i think) and I don't want to wait long so when do i know it is the right time??? when did you know it was the right time? how does it feel? I'm so confused...why is it so difficult to decide??? I live a life with no worries..why do mothers go through all of that physical pain to give birth (during pregnancy, after pregnancy) and in the future all children at some point in their lives (i.e., teenagers) give parents trouble and worries why do parents willingly go through that? Is making ones life more difficult with children worth it? To all the mothers out there and to all the marriages that decided NOT to have children please tell me your views and feelings.

sincerely,
an unsure women...

thanks!

miabutch, just want to welcome you to the forum, hope you enjoy your stay
"Rosie"

Hi Miabutch

I'm 3 months pregnant with our first, and totally ready to have a child join our family. But I understand your doubts because it was only recently that I started to feel really ready. There was a definite switch for me, from wanting children one day but not quite yet, to knowing this was exactly the right time. I'm not sure if that helps or not - but it sounds to me like you're not quite at the right point yet.

I also relate to your concerns about how a pregnancy will affect your body. I have always been very happy with my body and have looked after myself very well. However, I feel very confident that my body will actually eventually look better after having children, because I will be doing more exercise and eating even more healthily than ever before. (Example: I used to have a sweet tooth, but now I can't stand too much sugar, so the cellulite I had before pregnancy is disappearing with ease, even though I now eat a lot more).

However, I do feel I need to warn you that opting for a caesarean is likely to set you back in terms of getting your pre-baby body back, compared to natural birth. With natural birth the uterus actually contracts back to its original size as part of the process (or very close to that depending on your muscle tone at birth.) I'm not sure what effects an epidural will have on the uterus contracting, but since it interferes with natural birth I suspect that it may also cause some setbacks, although maybe less so than a caesarean. The other issue with a caesarean is that you are out of action for so long, so, while there is a period to wait after natural birth before starting an intensive exercise programme, it is far shorter than a caesarean would be. It is easier to pile on the pounds when you're recovering from major surgery.

Another point to bear in mind is that breastfeeding helps to reduce some of the extra "weight" put on during pregnancy.

Hi Mia, First of all welcome to our forums, and I'd like to say Thank you for teaching in the areas of special education; God Bless you! Our world needs more of you. Please sit back and relax, enjoy your husband and your life, don't fret so much! You're young and vibrant. Let nature take it's course. If you do, great you'll be wonderful parents, and if you don't okay. It will happen when it happens. Sometimes things are better if they are never planned. Once it happens plan like hell! Enjoy your life and love; it's so special.

Mary Caliendo
Tea Editor

I decided a long time ago not to have children for a lot of the reasons you are stating. I knew back in high school that I wasn't cut out to be a parent. It has been nice being able to make decisions that I've never had to worry about how it would affect anyone else. But, then - maybe I would have made different...and maybe wiser decisions....????

Reading everything you have said, I think you have pretty much already made up your mind NOT to have children and you should stick with it.

If you are worried about special needs children - ask a doctor for a referral to a genetic counselor. They can go back 3 generations in your family, and your husbands to determine the chances of having a special needs child. I am a recptionist at a medical facility that provides such counseling.

I will be 49 in a couple of months and have no regrets about not having had a child. Oh, every once in a while, I wish I would have an adult child to do things with, talk to, and brag about.....but if that meant going back and raising one....uh - never mind.

Perhaps later on, if I meet the right guy, I would like to think about being a foster parent to older kids.

I can understand your concerns -- but put them in perspective. The odds, if you started a family in the next 5 years, of you having a special needs child are pretty low. Remember, they go up with age. I had my son when I was 30 (after 10+ years of marriage, and a few years of dealing with infertility) -- and although he technically is special needs, it isn't usually viewed as such -- he is gifted. Challenging, but in a different way.

When my son was born, my dh and I had already figured that we would take him places. No, not the movies (I don't think that is fair to the other patrons, not to mention the child), but to dinner, to friends and family, the park, fun stuff that we could do together. His first trip was to the mall, at about 3 weeks. His first time out to dinner (he only nursed at that point, so the dinner for him was 2nd hand!) he was maybe 6 months.

Did our lives change? Of course. But my dh and I have a great life together, and remember -- babies get older fast. My ds is now 16, in college (though living at home), and we enjoy our time together.

My weight -- well, let's not get into that. I'm a chocoholic! ;-)

However, do take into account your energy level, not just physical (sounds like you are in great shape to start with -- always the best, of course), but emotional, since that job takes its toll! If you do decide to have a child, make sure your situation is such that you can take the time you need to transition to motherhood first -- it is a major life change -- before returning to work. (Some people are ready to go back sooner, some very reluctant at all to miss out on that developmental time!) And then, when working again, build a routine in for yourself to decompress from the job, to transition. I'm sure you must have something to help you go from stress to relaxing, but it may change over time. Just some thoughts.

Thank you everyone for your advice! I really appreciate it.I've decided to wait. I'm in no rush. My husband and I talked about it and we decided to have children in 1-2 years from now. We made a list of things we want to do before having kids. It's not alot of things that we want to do just go on a road trip to Mexico in the winter and go to Europe and that's it. We have accomplished every thing else we wanted. Thanks again everyone!!!
:0)

I understand those concerns you have about pain, and wanting to be alone, and wanting to go out with your husband, and being afraid of having a child with special needs etc. But the thing I can tell you is that it will all be worth it. And yes, sometimes you'll want to get away, so go do it. And you'll want some sleep, so take turns with your husband or have someone help out so you can nap. And yes it hurts, but so does teaching the kids you teach, it's hard, but the rewards are great! I have five, never even thought that would happen, but I wouldn't trade them for the world. And yes, you can have it all, but you can't have it all every hour of the day. But when you decide to have them, you'll be so glad you did. But there's no rush, have fun with your hubby, and then when you have kids you'll know that the fun has just begun!

You have gotten a lot of responses from what seem to be very happy moms, but not all women end up being happy moms. The fact that you are having such strong doubts should be a concern. You might want to check out the thread by JennyT - lots of moms who didn't want to be moms are now very unhappy moms. Don't listen to people who say you'll be so glad you had them, because that's simply not true for everyone. Only "you" can know whether or not you would happy as a mother. Also, studies have shown that children lower the happiness levels in a marriage. Dennis Prager recently did a show on this topic, and almost every single caller said having children negatively affected their marriage. Also, please don't have children out of "obligation!!" That would be a terrible reason to have kids! Good luck with your decision. :)

Sweetie, weigh this decision heavily and make sure you are ready. I was saddled with the responsibilty of raising my siblings from the time I was 12 until I was 25. I was responsible for them 24/7. After they were old enough to go off and be young adults, I finally had time to be me. Being saddled with children 24/7 takes away from your me time, your sleep, your social life, and your relationship with an S/O. Having a child will transform you, you will no longer be able to travel on a whim, eat out without major planning and packing of diapers, bottles, toys, and other stuff. Expect to not be with your husband one on one , expect to give every waking moment to a helpless person and you will have few breaks. Be prepared to lose yourself, give up your hobbies, give up movies and reading. Be prepared to go from discussing current events, art, and interest to talking about poop, pee, vomit, colic, gas, sickness, and sleepless nights.
I am not being mean, I am being honest. Nobody can stay care free and free spirited once they have another soul to be responsible for.