BellaOnline Forums Family 12 Step Recovery sponsorship suggestion

I understand that it is recommended to look for and get a sponsor of the same sex. I also understand the reasons behind that. My question is does that suggestion still hold true for gays/lesbians in the program, especially if both parties have the same sexual preference?

Hello! My take on the rule that we must stay with the same sex for sponsorship is to avoid the chance of getting romantically involved. Therefore, in the gay/lesbian community, I think it would be ok for them to use the opposite sex for a sponsor. I also think meeting with others in the gay/lesbian community would be very helpful so that they can discuss the different issues in their daily lives and get support from one another.

There are many gay/lesbian folks in our fellowship and as far as I know, they have sponsors of the same sex. The difference is that their sponsor may not be gay/lesbian. If one only attends gay/lesbian meetings, then this would be more difficult. There is good to both. The bottom line is that it is about recovery and you have to want what someone else has. You have to want the gift they are so willing to give. If you are gay/lesbian and you feel uncomfortable with someone of the same sex, then by all means find someone of the opposite.

Oddly enough, in recovery, I don't think most of us see differences of sexual preference, color, culture, etc. It is always reaching out to the one still suffering.

Kathy L.
12 Step Recovery Editor

I almost got into a lot of trouble with that one. I went through a dry drunk and was acting totally provocatively and doing and saying all kinds of things I otherwise wouldn't have toward a male in my group. Thank goodness he wasn't my sponsor, which would have confused things even further, and didn't reciprocate my inappropriate acting out. And, thank goodness I had a psychological shift and "snapped" out of it before anything happened.

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depends on you. i'm a woman and my sponser is a woman. and i know you posted a while back.. i just joined but since i know about this issue, i am posting despite. but i'm gay and i almost asked this guy who was well established in the group, with a lot of clean time; i really enjoyed listening to him and thought i could learn from his advice (and it seemed like everyone was saying to get a temp. sponcer right off). but i waited and i'm glad i did. it is a bit of a story here, but i came across an amazing person who had what i wanted. great attidude and faith in something that i still don't really see. there's a bit of age difference, but i think it's a good thing. the gay part was an issue, but it is no longer. she thought i was in a phase, i tried to explain, but people sometimes have a set of truths in their minds until they meet someone who changes those thoughts. we never debated it, i just accepted that she felt that way and let it go with time i was suprized to find her view had changed. but she has been my only sponcer and it is going on three years. i'm not trying to be rude, but unless you really get a feel for a person, do not ask them. i have met way too many men and a few women who acted as though they were wanting to help me, but i am careful who i trust, so i kept them at a distance, and have seen them act the same to other newcomers with what i find to be creepy results. people of all kinds roam the rooms and by sticking with the people you instintively feel comfortable around at first you will get some heads up. i do not activly avoid people but there is always a level you can trust a person and if you are new you may be vunerable if you are not, there are a few who will be hoping you are. i know this sounds very distrusting, but i meet new women and have seen them harrassed after just trying to be social and giving their phone numbers out. watch your back, but know that there are so many who are angels here.

Thanks for you post and I agree. The real job for a person seeking a sponsor is to find the person who has what you want. This isn't always obvious in the beginning but if you listen to what a person shares, what is their attitude, have they sponsored before, etc. I rushed to get my first sponsor because I was told I needed one and she volunteered! It didn't work. Nice woman but not at all what I wanted or needed.

The right sponsor and the right sponsee are all God's timing. You have to trust that God will give us that person in His timing.

Blessings,
Kathy L.