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Thanks!

I could really use some advise here..... I have two - especially the oldest of my husband's children that are extremely manipulative. His daughter is 21 and in college. She put us through the wringer when we got married with a list too long to go into. She now has figured out how to get even more out of her dad by "acting" as if she likes me and he falls right into it. She never returns his calls and we never hear from her unless she wants money. And it drives me crazy and is starting to cause a problem between us because he always makes an excuse to give in. We pay all of her college, her apartment (paid for two overlapping over the summer because she leased one before the other lease was up), her cell phone, her car, her car insurance and all other expenses when she comes with her hand out. Her mother refuses to pay a dime. The daughter did not ever find a job this summer (of course it is out of the question to work during her school year !) until just a few weeks ago and summer is almost over. At that she only works very part time. I find my husband now just sneaks off to give her money or doesn't call her back in my presence and it really is causing a problem between us. We never fight, this is the only issue we have but it is a big one for me. I feel like I am stuck in the middle. The son has come around some but it feels terrible to not know if it is sincere or he has just adapted the same false affection for me because it gets him what he wants. We pay for out of state college for him with 100% out or our pocket. Their mother will not even pay for clothing yet they lie to her when they spend time at our house in fear of her reactions. It is all very nuts and disfunctional to me. Can someone please advise - or maybe a book my husband and I can read together. This is much harder than I anticipated. Any advise is greatly appreciated.

Oh my goodness
I just joined, have read your post and all I can say is pretty much ditto, ditto, ditto!
One difference is that my step daughter, in her 30ies - who never married - has a 9 year old son who is the apple of his grand father's eye, so it is like a double whammy. Not only does the daughter come looking for handouts; she has taught her son to do the same, and dear old Dad has no resistance. This girl lived in an apartment house we own without paying rent for the last 8 years. She had a good job, but spent all her money on clothes and make up. She finally moved out because a rich boy friend wanted her to live with him. Now he has moved her out, and guess whose door she is knocking on!
I am at my wit's end. We are strapped for money and now we are paying her rent and other living expenses. She has no job, but is looking. She calls my husband and asks him leave work to pick up her son at school because she is at the library looking for a job! I feel like the proverbial B----!
This girl is an only child and spoiled rotten. Her Dad has no resistance to her. Whatever limits I set are seen as hostile, unsupportive, and unkind.
I feel so confused. I raised two great kids on tough love, but when I try to be tough with my step kids, all I get is a husband who is upset with me. There are no boundaries in this relationship. If left to them, she would move in with us and take over the house. Of course, she is happy to cook, clean and be a slave to his every wish and fancy, which makes him blow up like a big peacock and be impossible to live with.
I would be very grateful for a constructive action plan or advice anyone can give as long as it is constructive.
Thanks so much for listening tothis babble!

jay, just want to welcome you to the forum, and hope you enjoy your stay.
"Rosie"

In 2003 I married my best friend and gained a six year old step-son. The Bio-mom is probably the biggest waste of space I have ever met. It was not unusual for her to disappear for months at a time or get his hopes up and bail on him. Once she caught wind of the marriage - NOW SHE'S SUPER MOM! She filed for welfare disability to get out of paying child support but she sends home candy and video games and mp3 players full of vulgar rap music and inappropiate clothes and movies, fills his head with [censored] and so much has told him " She's nobody you don't have to listen to her". My husband is a hard worker but spineless at times and refuses to make waves "for the kids sake". So I am left alone to raise him but I can't critasize, discipline, or punish any behavior. I now have a four year old of my own and I cannot stand some of the things the older one teaches him. I about had a break down a couple years back trying to battle this out with my husband... and I have come to point where I will feed him, make sure his is clean and safe but beyond that I function as a nanny. All actions are reported to his father and if no action is taken than his child is the one who suffers. But I have debated on divorce more than once to remove my child from this mess. I am angry at myself for being so naive, and for subjecting him to this. I thought I had thought it all through and prepared for every aspect of her but I would have never imagined it turning out like this. I have lost that boy and it breaks my heart. His father barely gets a day off, so when he does it's all bonding time and fun... and I'm left alone to swim in the muck of it.

I was a widower with 1 grown daughter until I met my current wife who has 3 grown children. As we are trying to plan for retirement and our wills. I would like some thought from this forum as to how to distribute money/property after I/we die. I consider my wife and I as 50/50 owners/partners in everything. If we die together, I think that my (1)daughter should receive my share and my (3)stepchildren should receive their mother's share. My wife thinks that we should divide everything equally so all recieve 25%. Thanks, Bruce

Absolutely not. Your daughter deserves to receive your estate.

What if your child receives your estate holdings and her children receive hers to the point of your marriage, and everything accumulated beyond that point is split equally between the four? Have you spoken to an attorney? There are a million options to suit your needs. Have you considered what would happen if one outlives the other? If you are not in agreement then you should be sure to plan accordingly or your wishes may not be honored.

Hi Shadra, Thank you for making this forum. I have lived with my husband for 15 years and have been married to him for 10. The children are now 28 26 24 and 19. We all basically tolerate each other and sometimes have good moments, but they have serious loyalty issues, especially the oldest boy, 24. He is very cocky and shows me little respect. He doesn't show his father too much either. My husband, their father, is terrified to say too much to get them mad, etc. They are masters at emotional blackmail and have made me the bad guy for too long. I have always showed respect for them and have encouraged my husband's relationship with them. I'm really tired of their disrespct and using us when they want something. I am at the point that I really don't want to be around them very much. I have encouraged him to visit them alone and at their own house. Please advise and thank you.

This may be late, but I wanted to comment. I think rules work unless they don't. Which means, how money is distributed has to be looked at on a case by case basis. Sometimes the stepchildren and children are together since they are very young and all are equally 'in' the family. This would make a difference in the way parents think about distributions.

Sometimes one parent is the principle money-earner while the other cares for the home. In this situation the breadwinner would more likely contribute to all the children's inheritances.

Each person in each couple is obligated to think through his or her situation and determine what they believe is fair.

My father and stepmother were married over 40 years when my father died at 90. Both were widowed when they married. At the time of their marriage, my father and stepmother agreed that no matter what the future held, the house would go to my father's children as the house which my stepmother moved into (a considerable asset) was purchased by our mother and father.

Over the years, my stepbrothers have not lived in the same city or participated much with the family. When my father died, my stepmother probated my father's will, though she didn't have to, to assure that the house procedes would go to my father's three children. My stepmother has, over the years, received considerable inheritance funds which she set aside for her sons.

These decisions were made early and clearly so that we have always known my parents intentions. Perhaps, if my stepmother did not have her own considerable resources, we would have insisted our stepmother, who has lived all those 40 years in the house, take any gain from the house if and when she wanted to sell it, and leave the house to whomever and however she chose. However, she does have more cash resources than my father had which makes their original plan make sense.

Strike another reason for a 'case by case' basis. While we seek 'rules' or even legal advice sometimes...it is those times when we must slow down and have the courage to speak our thoughts and our wishes.

Good Luck,
mysteryshrink