BellaOnline Forums Relationships Relationships Why is cohabitation such a problem for family?

Hi,

I come from a non-religious yet conservative family which views cohabitation as bad news. Even if cohabitation leads to marriage someday, the family thinks that only "tramps" cohabit. How can I convince my parents that the world has changed and that this is the 21st century? What really bothers me most is the fact that they are both very educated people yet their views on morality are close to those who are not educated.

Its kinda hard to change the way people view things, Some people are just set in their ways,

You're not going to be able to change the way your family views things. All you can do is change the way their disapproval affects you and your relationship. I married the man I lived with because my Father strongly disapproved. In hindsight we did not take the time to get to know each other well enough, and I think that is one reason why we are divorced today.
Be comfortable in your own skin. Love your family but let them know that their values don't have to be yours. You're sorry if they don't like it, but they need to move on and let you make your own choices...and honor them.

I believe that people should live together for at least a year before getting married. I made the mistake of not doing that in both of my marriages and they ended up in divorce. I wont make that mistake again.

I probably should not promote that being a Christian and all, but, I have to believe that God knows where the heart is in situations like this. If He doesn't, well, then I will deal with that when the Day comes.

Probably the only bearer of bad news here, but my family is full of both psychologists and family counselors. All agree that research shows that cohabitation actually leads to a lower success rate for relationships from non-marriage to higher divorce rates. Sorry.

Aside from that, the decision is simply yours 100 percent

I'm not sure that I agree that non-marriage is a "lower success rate"?? I know MANY couples who are very happy together and who chose not to get married. Why would success be gauged by marriage?

Similarly, you are mixing apples and oranges when you compare the divorce rate of someone who is willing to live together with the divorce rate of a highly religious person who believes "marriage is final, period." A more sane comparison would ask how many people in *abusive* relationships got out when the people were willing to live together first - vs the number of religious people who stuck in an abusive relationship because they felt they had no other option.

Yes, I've read the research too - and it seems to indicate that people who live together first have more *content* relationships which to me is a much higher standard of success.

My mom always told me that I should live with someone for about 5 years before deciding to marry. Sometimes it takes about that long to get to really know someone. My fiance and I have been together for almost 9 years, and engaged almost a full year.
During that time, we have seen friends break up, separate, divorce, and everything in between. I am so thankful that we have taken the time to truly get to know each other before we jumped in to marriage.
Some of my family has questioned why we weren't married and when will I be an 'honest woman', but this has worked for us.
When our wedding day gets here I will completely know the man standing next to me.
I can't say I know anything about the above mentioned research. But I can say that our non-marriage relationship has lasted longer than many marriages of my friends and people I know.
What ever works for you as a couple. It is your relationship, do what feels right to you.

Well, probably the parents are concerned that Cleopatra's lover may be taking advantage of Cleo. Maybe they're not so much ignorant as protective. If they're offended by the arrangement, wouldn't a nearby hotel room work?

As for living together as a general topic, longevity of a relationship, married or not, depends VERY much on BOTH parties behaving respectfully to each other as well as doing their level best to be honorable people themselves. You can't keep up the interest in someone you no longer respect even if the other marital/relationship do-dads are in place. It is also important to have a "never give up" outlook. For believers, it helps to know that God thinks "forever" is do-able. If he didn't, he wouldn't expect it. But, I think he understands that we are human and we are drawn to other humans. He knows that our relationships do not always work out--often through no fault of our own. He loves us.