BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Changing Friendships

I hope to get a little insight from you all on the topic of changing friendships. I am finding that choosing to be child free is challenging at times in my personal friendships. I am in my late 30's and almost all of my close friends that I have made over my years are married with children. I am married to a wonderful man and we both have no interest in having children. What is hard is making new friends that are of our same mindset and keeping current with friends who are busy with their children. Also, we have a couple we were once really close with who now we hardly ever see. Every time we talk they are doing something with the parents of their kid's friends. It can be somewhat of a bummer. How are you connecting with people who have the same interests as you? I must say that most of my friends are not doing this, but they have young children who may not have many friends yet. I am afraid that eventually noone will call us to get together. That sounds so pathetic but it is a true fear of mine.
Thanks for listening! Can't wait to hear your responses.

Hi amykitty,

I've also found it challenging to make new friends who are also childfree and maintain friendships with friends with kids. In Texas where I live, most of the population has kids. Luckily, I'm involved with a running group, so the focus is on running. I found that most people don't bother me about my childfree status or have even asked if I want kids.

As far as existing friends, I've noticed that as the kids get older, my friends with kids are able to focus again on outside friendships. However, I do notice that a lot of their time is spent with the parents of their kids' friends, which is inevitable. It can be frustrating, so I understand where you're coming from! In some cases, I've had to leave the ball in their court because I wasn't getting responses; some of the friendships have continued, some haven't.

I hope this helps. If you can find a social group like No Kidding in your area, which is for childfree people, that could help you make new friends. Otherwise, it seems like clubs focused on hobbies are ways to make new friends or even volunteer work. Many times, the people in those groups have older children who are more independent, so the parents actually don't talk about them that much.

What I miss is having close friends, particularly female friendships, that I could just call up on the spur of the moment to go to a movie or just hang out with. Many times, dinner or other events have to be scheduled well in advance if the friends I'm going out with have kids. I just miss that spontanaeity, but even people without kids are often booked up.
Maybe that's just common as we get older.

About a year ago I wrote a very similar note on this forum. I'm still struggling with this, and although people have told us to join No Kidding or other groups, I still haven't done it. The reason is because although new friends are great, it is painful to have to say goodbye to all the old ones! I've done this several times already because I've moved to different cities, and it's incredibly sad to have to do it now that I'm in my mid-30s and all my female friends are either baby-crazy or have kids already. I've pretty much lost touch with all my old friends now because we either live in different cities or we just don't have a ton in common anymore. Although I've met lots of new friends through work or school, it's still sad to lose people that you used to have so much fun with and, as karenb said, call up spontaneously to hang out. It's harder to make friends in your 30s, because people just aren't as open to new friendships, I find...the 20s were so great for that!

Thank you for your responses! It is so good to have this forum and have that comfort knowing we are not alone in our struggles. Summers seem to be ok and there are many things that fill up our weekends, I guess I am just dreading the winter when noone gets together or calls. I am partly to blame because I just always assume my friends with kids are busy and I am bad at planning in advance. It is true that scheduling time with friends seems to be the way that it is. I miss the spontaneity too!

I think anyone who has childfree groups in their city is SO LUCKY as there is NOTHING in London UK which surprises me. I thought of starting a No Kidding group but (a) I am a teacher worried about any ramifications and (b) someone was running one but they've let it die (and yes we've even been in touch.)
One thing that I have been doing is going to meetup groups. There is no London childfree one yet but I have gone to meetup groups on other things I am interested in (www.meetup.com) it's basically free to go to them too and register at meetup, only those starting groups have to pay. Fortunately some of the people in one of my Meetup groups are childfree and some of the other members have had kids that are adults now. I have two childfree friends I would meet every one or two months and I've let that friendship lapse and now I want to pick it up again cos I think it's great to have some childfree friends! Also have a sort of internet penpal - female too - who seems to be childfree as well but I don't yet know how we would get on in person. Met some great people on my Russian tour but don't think any were childfree. Still we've talked of keeping in touch, hope so!

See this is when I am a little different, I find after friends of mine decide to have children, I just never have anything in common with them after that. Its almost as tho I am repulsed by their descion, except that I'm not repulsed per se, its just that like we all know, their conversation changes, and then all of a sudden, you are supposed to "get it" just cause they've decided to have kids. Moreso, they try to convince you to follow suit...."WHAT?" Its almost as tho' they want to be the ones wise enough to have given you this new PROFOUND REVELATION" I hate it, if not for what they become, then at least for the confusion it seems to cause. At 32 you'd think that one would have pretty much be set in thier ways. Who the heck do you think you are to try to convince me.. what, are completely stupid?

I forgot to say that I moved to a new country at the age of 28, and found that I had to make new friends. Its hard to leave the conmfort zone of people you've known just about all you life. So I do sympathise with those that struggle to make new friends. I have made 4 new friends since moving to Australia, and thats just about all I need, when the need arises, I can just as easily resolve to move on. Hopw you have great success in coping. Everyone changes, sometimes it may even be when they move jobs, states, college, even neighbourhood. But there is always someone out there looking to get into a new relationship.

Hi all, n00b here. I'm 28 (soon to be 29) and childfree in Alberta, Canada. It is so hard to be CF here. Because the economy is booming it seems like everyone and their dog is preggers. Since I just moved here from another city with my husband (married 2 years, but were dating for 10) we're trying to make new friends, and quickly losing them to parenthood. Seems like the only people we seem to be able to relate with are those in their early 20's. That will quickly get to be impossible as we age into our 30's. I'm scared of having nobody here. To avoid problems I've been giving excuses and lies like "I can't get pregnant" or "I'm not supposed to get pregnant". I have rheumatoid arthritis, but it certainly doesn't preclude me from actually having children - it's just means that I'm likely to have a nasty relapse (think the worst flu ever with swollen joints and you'll understand) once the baby is born. I'm [b]really[/b] scared about that. Plus, I've never really [b]wanted[/b] children. I've talked about this with my hubby, and [i][u]says[/u][/i] that he [b]kinda[/b] wants them ... but I see nothing in his actions to see that he would make an effort to help out with them. I say I'm in no way healthy enough to have them (on tons of meds for the arthritis and I'm overweight) right now, and I may never be. He just seemed happy that I was thinking about it rather than blatantly rejecting the idea (like I'm gonna change my mind at some point). To be truthful, I have thought about it, but more in a "Kodak Moment" sort of way. Thinking about the stuff, cute outfits, picking out a cool private school. None of my thoughts have ever been about the child itself ... only about the stuff that comes with them (can you tell I'm a wee bit materialistic right now?). I know I am not ready to have children, and I don't think I'll ever be. And now, living in a city that's bursting with babies I'm finding myself more and more alone. It's getting me depressed.

Kreeny80 ~ IMO the best way to respond to the 'kid' question is to say "they're not for me" or "I choose to be childfree". Don't dodge the question, be truthful.

It's the same idea if someone asks an athiest 'What religion are you?' ~ the answer should be "I'm a non-believer, an athiest". Why should one person not respect another person's choice or belief?

Cream pie, I agree with you, but, what that does for me, is that I end up in a looonnnnggg booooooorrrrrring conversation about why....and then they start preaching at me, about why I should. OMG, its suuuccchhh a dragg cause they think they will convince you( more often that not anyway), I generally assess the situation, but generally say not yet.