BellaOnline Forums Relationships Domestic Violence Anyone is capable of being an abuser

There are lots of stereotypes surrounding who an abuser is, what they do for a living, where they live, etc. Here is an article showing ANYONE can be an abuser!

Title: Cincinnati Symphony Orchestra Bassist Arrested for Abuse

"A member of the Cincinnati Symphony Orchestra who is a well-respected bassist was arrested Sunday night accused of assaulting his wife at their Clifton home.

Boris Astafiev, 37, has been with the CSO since 1999. His life is so high-profile that his marriage to his wife was featured in an article in the New York Times newspaper that same year.

Police say the alleged incident happened around 5 p.m. on Morrison Avenue."

For the full article:
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Jeanette, I think everyone can be an abuser of sorts. But it takes some types of individuals to continue day after day to abuse. It has to be either a learned condition, or some type of chemistry the person is born with. Your thoughts?

Mary Caliendo

I do think in a way it is learned because the statistic is high of the ratio of current abuser who were abused themselves while growing up or viewed abuse as a child. I, and this is my opinion only, think this is a poor excuse for "blaming" the abusive behavior. I was abused as a child by my mother, I saw my parents knock each other around, I was molested and raped as an adolecent and teenager. I have 2 kids of my own. I have spanked my son maybe 3 times in his life and the same for my daughter. I don't scream and carry on with my husband, I don't molest or rape my children or any children for that matter. The cycle of abuse can be stopped. It stopped with me.

There are many theories of why abusers abuse. Some I do think do it because that is what they observed, some i do think there is some type of mental thing going on that needs medical attention. The question is how do we help abusers? A lot of abusers don't see what they are doing as abuse. They think "this is how it is because this is the way it is going to be." Like addicts, abusers have to want to change in order to change. We can't make our abusers change, we can't hold their hand and force it upon them. They have to want to go make themselves better.

Anyone else have an opinion?

I agree that we can't make an abuser stop, but we can make them stop with us. How do we do this? I feel that we set boundaries, and follow through with the consequences. An abuser has control over their abusive ways.The reason I believe this is because they don't abuse everyone they come in contact with, just those they have under their abusive control.What ya'll think?

Yes that is very very true. WHen i finally started speaking up to those around me about what my ex was doing to me, people were shocked. "Oh, he doesn't seem like the type of person to do that" or "he is so nice to us" or "he is so smart, i don't think he would do that,are you sure it is abuse". I was depressed for awhile and even thought I was going crazy at one point. We had to live with my parents for awhile when I was pregnant with my daughter because I had complications and needed help. He started lashing out at my mom and that is when people started to realize he wasn't all they thought he was. Then I got support when I left him. But it is true. ALmost every survivor I have ever talked to will tell you their abusers were like Jeckyll and Hyde.

I was abused as a child and have always picked men who are abusers.My last husband died of hiv and hepc and he infected me with it in 1998.Now I get abused by doctors because I ask for pain medication.I have an enlarged liver and spleen and many other health problems and I get treated like a drug addict for asking for pain releve.Doctors do not want to treat people with enfectious dieases anymore,we are suppose to die in pain

Is there an AIDS awareness council near you who can help you??

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www.thebody.com

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Jeanette:

Everything you said was true in my case as well. My husband was liked by all, especially my parents. When I asked for their help to leave, my mother turned her back on me, screamed at me and took his side. This was the very night he had beaten me. I stayed in the marriage another 15 years because I felt so alone and abandoned and knew there was no one who would help me.
Later when she finally acknowledged that he might be abusive she again blamed me and said I probably deserved it.
Needless to say, I no longer speak to my mother.

When you learn what abuse is, and you make the decision not to tolerate it anymore it's not limited to just one person. Once you recognize abuse, you will not tolerate it from anyone.

I finally realized I didn't need anyone. I could do it on my own. My ex did run hot and cold. But our best friends who spent every weekend with us probably saw signs though they never mentioned it. It was a surprise to everyone except them when I left.
What I learned though, is to not hide behind lies, denial, and excuses. When someone asks me I just tell them, "He was mean" or "he abused me." I leave it at that, but I no longer hide the fact that it happened. I've learned that his actions are no reflection on me.

Abusers do not want others to know they do it. When we, as victims, hide the truth we are playing into their hands and giving them permission to continue.
I once read a book that said you make a deal with them. You tell them.. you hit me I call your siblings and tell them. You hit me again, I call your parents. You hit me a third time I call your boss.
I'm not sure how that would work, never tried it. I personally think there should be no third time. If you stay and let it happen that many times, you are in effect giving them permission to do it just by staying.
But it took me years to learn that lesson too.

Bylen

Thanks Jeanette and Bilen - similar story as Bilen. I was in an abusive relationship for 12 years - i had 2 children with him. I knew BEFORE we got married that he had a temper - i had seen it. But i was IN LOVE and didn't want to spoil our wedding plans...stupid i know. We did get married - and we went through 3 good years of no abuse - then it started out subtly - a nasty word or ignorant comment in front of friends - after i had the kids it got worse. His drinking escalated - and there were times i couldn't take it anymore. In the span of 5 years we were apart alot - separated - back together. The last time we got back together after a separation - i got pregnant (now 15 years old). His mother knew her son abused me because i would tell her - i actually told alot of people. The problem was that i LET it happen - everyone blamed me - except my sister. After i had my 2nd child - i was accused of having an affair and the baby wasn't his (a lie) but to skip ahead many years after the divorce (10 years) - whenever things aren't going right for him - he makes comments like - you were a whore and slept around - i don't even know if that's my kid!

Most people that know me - know him too - he is an alcoholic and an abuser. He has gotten arrested for assault and had to go to counselling. He had many partners while we were married - i found out afterwards -but the woman he left me for - i gave her a piece of advice - DUCK - because he will do it to you. NO ONE believe me - but 4 years after they were together - he smashed her face into a concrete slab....and she charged him.

Abuse comes in all forms. The trick is acknowledging that this isn't the way people who love each other are supposed to treat one another - and GET OUT!