BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Newbie and Mid Life Problem

Hi~ I have been reading this forum for sometime and am glad I found it. My husband and I both decided a long time ago to be this way. We have been married over 20 years. Things were fine until now I have reached midlife. Questioning everything I have ever decided for myself. One of those questions is the childfree one. Suddenly I started to think what will I do when I get older? I see how my brother and I take care of Mom. I think, if I have no family left, how will I handle things. What if my husband is gone? I think now, why am I thinking like this? Why am I so afraid? Why am I having these anxiety attacks? My husband says I am just thinking about a child because I don't want to be alone. He is right. I am afraid and I know a child is not the real solution. I hope this is just a passing phase like my husband says. I am going to counseling. There are other issues not just this one. I know I made the right decision not to have children. There were many reasons not to have one and few to have one. Has anyone had a similar experience? Is this something people go through? Could this be premenapause?

Hi Trace, welcome to the forum, Hope you enjoy your stay!
"Rosie"

Hi Rosie!

Thanks for the warm welcome!

well definitely the anxiety attacks could be peri/pre menopause. But mid-life is prone to second-guessing ourselves I think--it is a human thing, not just gender specific. And not having had children is not the reason for people feeling like they have no support anymore--families have been changing along these lines for the last few generations---it not only takes a village to raise a child, it also takes a village to lend support thru-out one's whole life, and we just don't have that in today's society like our grandparents did. Our generation is going to have to come up with a new model. This I think is one of our biggest challenges now that we are living longer.
Ravyn

Ravyn is so right. And this kind of fear is no reason to have a child, either. Look at all the children who don't care for their parents. It's a scary reason to bring life in to this world - a slender reed, indeed, and also not fair to the progeny in question.

We have to do better as a society and reach out and make our 'family' something we choose, and not a happenstance of blood relations.

Hi Trace,

I think about this all the time and I'm nowhere close to middle age. Probably because there are so many people who question our CF status by asking who will take care of us when we're old! But my grandparents lived until their 90s, two didn't require any care (were able to live independently) and the other two needed care for the last year or so. That's not bad, and if you plan accordingly you should be able to afford residential care. My parents are now in their late 60s and in excellent health, so I expect they won't need a ton of help either.

I am 51 and have been thinking about this issue for years-I don't think it is related to peri-menopausal hormones. It is natural to seek security, and not being able to depend on children for that security is a legitimate worry. Having been through lots of "life stuff", I have been fortunate enough to be able to witness how wonderfully unselfish and caring people can be, if you let them. It was an eye-opener because I thought I was alone. There is no guarentee that a child will do right by the parent. Parents hope, and most children do right, but nursing homes and hospitals are filled with parents who don't have children who do the right thing. I came to realize that I have to work to make strong connections with friends and other family members, and trust that God, the universe, the force, karma or whatever you want to call it, will send me the people/resource when I am in need. Yes, it is a leap of faith, but really that is all one can do. Make plans the best you can, work at keeping up close relationships, and let go of the worry by recognizing that some things will be out of your control.

Hi lolalaya, welcome to the forum, hope you enjoy your stay
"Rosie"

Thanks for all the posts, they are a big help to me. I guess I have been feeling rather insecure these days. Your right, strong connections with family and friends and God karma or force or whatever. I just have to do the best I can. Never would have thought that I would feel this way. But I guess that's life. I know I am not alone, and that helps.