BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Newbie (and a liberated one at that!)

Hi there

I just came across the Married No Kids site and finally everything became clear!

I'm 35, married for 9 years, love my life and enjoy spending fun quality time with my husband and friends.

I have 7 brothers a sisters - the youngest being my 11 year old brother. Never really felt the urge to have children yet have a very nuturing nature towards animals. Had horses up to a year ago when the responsibility and subsequent stress & anxiety lead me to move away to a more 'free' life. I'm so much happier now.

A friend was diagnosed and treated for breast cancer 2 years ago (age 38). It frightened the life out of me when she was told that it was mainly down to the fact she hadn't had children. I panicked and thought, "I must have kids then". Silly I know, but panic and fear can cause irrational reactions.

However, I've never felt that URGE and truly do not believe that my life is empty without children. I'm terrified of getting fat, not getting into my beautiful vintage dresses after giving birth, going through pain, sagging post-breast feeding breasts, lack of freedom, being a "my kid did this today" mum etc etc.

I felt "abnormal" for feeling like this so was constantly debating in my head about whether to have a child or not. I ended up wishing that the choice could be taken out of my hands. Clarity began to hit last night after another friend announced she was pregnant. I felt jealousy at first but when I reflected upon it, I realised that I only found the thought of having a cute little baby appealing. The thought of having a teenager does nothing for me.

I then found this site and burst into tears, reading all the articles that resounded with me at such a deep level. It is okay to not want kids, I'm not the only one, I won't necesarily get sick or be lonely if I don't have one. I WILL have more freedom, money, choice - ME TIME!!

Sorry for the rambling first post but I'm sure I'm not the only one who has reached this point of liberation and clarity and sense of peace.

Thanks again!

Jo

Hi Joe, welcome to the forum, Hope you enjoy your stay
"Rosie"

Welcome! I know how you feel, it is quite liberating. In my area and religion, having kids is the thing to do. I never really had the desire to have kids. Everyone around me instantly oohs and aahs whenever there is a baby around, and I've never been like that. I'm probably stupid, but the thought never occurred to me that you could choose not to have kids. One day I was just searching around the internet for articles about people delaying having kids, and I found the term "childfree", I was like,wait, I don't HAVE to have kids? There are people out there that do this? Sign me up! LOL. Anyway, welcome again!

Sorry i called you Joe, I meant Jo

Hi Jo,
Welcome to the forum. I, like most women, debated constantly rather to have children or not. There was even a time in my life around 3 years ago that I was literally obsessed with the issue. I would see all my co-workers getting pregnant and having children and I felt like an outsider, especially since I personally did not want to have a child for basically the same reasons you have listed.

One day I just asked God to take the obsessed thought out of my mind. With time the thought was lesson and now I totally accept my child-free life. In fact I love it.

Giselle

Hi Jo,

Welcome to this forum. I'm still new to it myself, but feel very much "at home" here. I think you'll enjoy it.

I think it's really common for us CFBC women to debate this choice with ourselves for a long time. As for me, I've always known I didn't want kids, but it's been a struggle for me to come to accept that part of me. So I find this place to be a lifeline.

I look forward to seeing your posts. I imagine it's no easier to be CFBC in England than it is here in the States, despite all the cultural differences. My husband's from Ireland, and whenever I visit my in-laws, I always look at the women's magazines in the stores from both Ireland and the U.K. That whole "yummy mummy" phenomenon, while probably meant to be a bit tongue in cheek, still indicates to me the Brits have also been bitten by this whole obsession with parenting. Though I must give your country kudos for being the birthplace of the CFBC movement (I'm pretty sure that's where a lot of the early groups for the CFBC were formed). So perhaps you are in some good company after all!

Effie