BellaOnline Forums Family Moms Hate Being A Mom!!!

Summary of my [censored] up life:

Im almost 20 years old.My mom died when I was 12..and it severly messed up my head.Ive always been in bad abusive relationships..Im a VERY ANGRY person.When I was around 14 I was diagnosed with severe depression..extreme BI-POLAR..& post traumatic stress.I took anti-depressants then and when I was pregnant..and took Zoloft first at 200 mg then upped to 500mg and it didnt seem to help.

Im now a single mom..her dad (whom I hate and resent with all that I have)cheated on me with my "best friend" while I was pregnant..How did I find out?My OB called after a check up to inform me that I tested positive for chlyamidia..when I had been clean months before..so thats when I knew cheated.It was the most heartbreaking experience of my life..because not only could it have affected my daughter..but it ruined my one and only dream of having a family & someone to love me forever.

My daughter will be 2 in a couple of months.and the majority of the time hate taking care of her.Everyone tells me how GOOD of a mom they think I am but thats not true..they dont see behind close doors or inside my messed up mind.I am a good mom in SOME ways but not in most.I always have my daughter clean..dressed nice..but I sometimes treat her bad.I scream at her constantly..she doesnt obey..I say the WORST things even though shes not yet to understand me,things like "shut the [censored] UP!!!!!..."I dont WANT you..I dont WANT to be your [censored] mom"..etc etc etc etc..just horrible and I feel guilt afterwards.I cant control my anger sometimes.I know that I would never severly hurt her..but I do spank her..never too hard,and I sometimes am rough with her while trying to get her to listen.Im just too angry at the world..and resentful to her father that sometimes I wonder if she should even live with me.I work full time and thought that it would help us get along a little better but hasnt..Im still unhappy..I have so much bottled up because I dont want everybody to know all the horrible things I think about.Sometimes I just wish something bad would happen.Sometimes Im happy..sometimes im extremly depressed..and other times im RAGING!Ive began to throw things across the room when I get mad and she has caught on to that..I dont want her to be like me."Do as I say and not as I do" kinda thing..and sometimes I feel like shes not happy with me..she seems so angry for her age and I know that its all my fault.

Her dad only sees her when he feels like it.Hes constantly working and spends his free time gettin drunk at bars and stripclubs..I HATE him.Hes not as responsible or the dad that he should be.If he was I would probably just make him keep her..but he doesnt want her.I just dont know what to do anymore..I keep telling myself it will get better but how?Everyone says I speak so negative and thats because I AM!I do go to church and I know you shouldnt speak negative upon your children but I do..I cant control my mouth..and I just dont want her growing up and knowing the meaning of the harsh things I yell at her..however life without her seems impossible...shes the only one that matters..and I love her with ALL my heart and WANT to be a part of her life..I just dont want to take care of her 24/7.I DREAD giving her a bath,brushing her teeth,trying to feed her food she dont want..getting her dressed..etc etc..I hate to say it but shes such a hassle to me..shes always slowing me down and making me late to everything.If I was with her dad and married and we were raising her together I know Id be happy but its too late for that..I already hate him.Please give me some advice..Im so back and forth by the day..for example..sometimes I wake up happy and just cant stop hugging and kissing her..I just love her so much..the kind you cant explain..then others I wake up SO hateful and [censored] OFF & take everything out on her..I feel like when I pick her up and get home after work around 7..Im doing nothing but either ignoring her or getting on to her..I hate it.Im so bipolar I dont know what to do.Please help.

BrokenMommy,

This is not something that I suggest in most cases - but given you history and traumas, I think it may be the best solution.

I believe it may be in the best interest of the child and you to consider putting this child up for adoption.

Let's face it - you are barely out of childhood yourself. Yes 18 is considered adult, but when I look back on my life at 20 (which is also when I had my first child) I can see how little I truly knew about life, and how few experiences I had.

And in my case I was in a good marriage and wanted my baby (my marriage did not come apart til several years later). You are not in that situation.

You know you are dealing with 2 major forms for Depression, and I think yoiu deserve to take the time to work throught those first. And I think your child deserves the chance to be ina stable household while you do work through those problems.

I am not condeming by any means. I also am treated for Depression and borderline Bi-Polar (means I have the crushing lows, but not the manic highs). But in my situation I have a very supportive husband to fill in the blanks when I have to crawl into bed and escape the world.

Adoption is not a failure. It is the sign of being a responsible adult that is caring for this baby and putting her needs first. Yes, you will probably take some fkack for it from others, but all you need to do is explain you mental state - and those people should be understanding.

Goood luck to you and your baby.

Thank you for replying..I appreciate your opinion however I forgot to mention in the first post that adoption is completely out of the question.Im not a big fan of that.Its be hard to give my daughter away to a family member but theres no way I could to a complete stranger..ever.I honestly..even when I think about it..the only person responsible enough and trustworthy enough to take care of my little one would be her grandma..but I cant even imagine waking up and her not being here.Its a screwed up situation.I contradict every thing that I say and think.One minute im off one minute im on..sometimes I LOVE being her mom and some I absolutly HATE it.I just need people to relate to me..Ive always been depressed but not in this form..I go from crying to raging.Its insane.And I recently have been isolating myself from people..I changed my number & only gave it out to family,coworkers,& 3 close "friends".. I feel like everyone else is just SHADY.Today I got my feelings hurt when I went to pick up my daughter after work at her grandmas and her 11 year old cousin says to me "do you feed her at your house?She comes here and cant stop eating and acts like shes starving"...I was like YES I try to feed her everything..she wont eat much from me..Is that normal??And then I was like yeah I dont think my daughter likes me too much & her reply was "well...ya she doesnt..she never wants to go to you..you're the last person she goes too in a room full of people"...I was like wow.It just hurt me that such a YOUNG kid even noticed things like that.It just hurts.Like today..was a decent day..I tried to play with her and stay calm when she spilled things or made a mess..but I cant get it out of the back of my mind that it seems like shes so much happier when shes not with me..& btw my age is definetly not a factor..Im more mature and have been through much more than most OLD women..its ridiiculous.Other than adoption what would be some good options?for now Im thinking of just trying to get on medications again..because I definetly feel chemiclly imbalanced.=(

It sounds like getting on the medications would be a good start, do you have health insurance that would cover talking to a counselor or therapist? The first step is admitting there is a problem, you are there. Another idea is to contact CPS or whatever child protection agency you have in your area, they aren't there just to take kids away, they are a good resource to help stressed out parents or parents that just need help.

I understand why adoption was recommended, but it isn't for everyone, believe me I know, I entrusted my middle child to a family and I'm not sure 23 years later it was a good decision. It almost sounds to me like you are punishing your daughter because of the decisions that her father has made. I say this because of your statement that if you were with him and married everything would be ok. I understand the anger, my sons father cheated on me and denied both boys, he still denies that he is the father of the child I put up for adoption.

Please try to get some help, you and your daughter will benefit.

"It almost sounds to me like you are punishing your daughter because of the decisions that her father has made"

That is true..I never thought of it in that perspective.I DO know that Im soooo angry because of him & I shouldnt take that out on HER..but its hard to be loving to a child 100% when she pushes you away..like sometimes I try really hard to show love and affection to her and Ill go to give her hugs & a kiss and she will push me away or try to slap me,etc etc..I cant handle or take that.And I blame myself that she is SO hateful for her age..becuz she sees me angry.

Im going to try the medications..however what do yall think would be best as far as mine & her relationship..more time together or more time apart?Bcuz lately I have been picking her up and locking myself in the house..just me and her..because I dont even want to speak to anybody

I would encourage you to find a counselor whom you trust and get some help.

Someone else suggested CPS/DCFS - you might also want to call the Childhelp's National Child Abuse Hotline 1-800-4-a-child - where you can get some anonymous help as well as local resources if that's what you want.

Look for parenting support groups (parents anonymous) or classes in your area... and definitely find the right help for the bi-polar whether that's meds, therapy or both.

BrokenMommy,

I know you said that adoption is not an option, and maybe it's wrong for you. But I have to echo Michelle that it crossed my mind when reading your post as well. You mentioned that you'd never really hurt her, but, my daughter is nearly 2, and I can tell you with absolutely confidence (even if it's not what you want to hear) that the things you are saying to her ARE hurting her. She is old enough to understand most of the words and certainly the tone and emotion.

The thing about adoption is that it is not what it used to be. You don't have to give your child to a complete stranger and you don't have to be out of her life forever. Open adoptions can provide a wonderful gift for birth parents and adoptive parents, and most of all, children who are in unfortunate situations who deserve better (and have parents like you who want them to have better than they can currently provide). It's a very loving gift and sometimes the best gift someone in a situation they can't otherwise control can give.

In any case... if you are feeling out of control, put on a movie for your daughter and put her in a safe spot, and go to a quiet place. Do it as often as your need to. But you MUST stop saying these things to your child. No, I am not a TV proponent, but no child was ever physically hurt from watching too much TV, or being left for a short time in a safe spot while a mom catches their breath. But babies are hurt all the time by parents who are in over their heads and don't give themselves time to breathe when they need it. Single moms even have a harder challenge, with no one to pass over the baby to when times get like this. If you have no one else, use WHATEVER works to let yourself calm down.

Now you have been given a bad deal. Your own chemistry is working against you, and your daughter's father is a first-class wank to put it mildly. But YOU are the adult, the parent, however, young and challenged you are. You are your daughter's WHOLE world. Unless you are prepared or able to change that, through a different living situation for you and/or her, you have to find a way to get the outbursts and tantrums under control. Being a mom is not easy -- don't feel like you are this lunatic who is just doing it all wrong - even under the best of circumstances, which yours are definitely not, there are moments of utter despair. A lot of what you are feeling is normal, with chemistry and situation making it worse.

I'm not saying you should adopt out. But I would encourage you strongly to find some good open adoption agencies in your area and at least go meet with them. Learn a little more about how you can continue to be a positive part of your daughter's life, while maybe giving both of you what you need to be happy. Even if you don't do it, put it in your toolbox. Sometimes when you feel like you have no way out, just realizing there IS one will make you realize how much and how hard you want and need to work to not have to take it.

Please let us know how you and your daughter are doing. If you would like, contact me through the early childhood site with the city you are located in, I'd be happy to help you at least locate some resources for both you and your daughter for help and support, and possibly some open adoption resources to at least explore as well.

With much love,

Nicki

Maybe you should consider a foster home until you can get yourself together. I am not a counselor but I am a Mom, don't take it out on the little one, yes your life is hard but it isn't her fault. Look I have been in your shoes (single Mom, Dad won't help) and yes it can make your really angry and if you don't watch it, it can rot you from the inside out. Try to forget him and concentrate on yourself and your beautiful daughter. She is afraid of you but you can change all that, remember that yelling and screaming is a habit and like any habit it can be broken. I hope you get some type of help soon, it's not too late.

Hi again BrokenMommy,

Let me suggest to you joining a support group called "Emotions Anonymous". It is based on the same 12 step program the Alcoholics and Narcotics Anonymous are based on, but instead of dealing sith substance abuse - it deals with emotional traumas, Depression, and BiPolar.

I myself have been a part of this group.

It is absolutely amazing how much you can get out of being with a group of people who know exactly what you are going through! There is no feigned pity, not even people trying to understand but just don't get it - these are people that have been there.

It is quite freeing to be able to speak aloud all the pent up things you have been feeling, without having to worry that someone is going to condemn you.

Here is their main website, which can direct you to the chapter closest to you. Emotions Anonymous

Good luck to you with everything - and always feel free to come here and vent when you need to.
{hugs}

I just want to thank you all for replying..It really helps getting advice from people who understand.And Im trying to apply the positive feedback. Im trying the whole "try to be calm or pretend to be" thing ..& trying not to raise my voice so much.Today was a good day..we went shopping with my dad & she misbehaved some throughout the day but at least I actually enjoyed myself and she did too.Instead of getting SO angry over little things Im going to try to be more careless..like for example today she purposely spilt her fruit loops all over the kitchen floor..I started to yell at her to pick them up & showed her how to throw them away & she just stood there & looked at me..kind of annoyed I decided to just say whatever..sweep them up myself..I think little things like that might help. However just bcuz I feel ok today doesnt mean I will tomorrow.But Im going to church in the morning..going to talk to my pastor..maybe get some guidance.And I plan on going to make an appointment monday with my OB to get on some meds..so hopefully all goes well & thank you for all the support.But still..no adoption =)