BellaOnline Forums Family Step Parenting Unhappy being Step-mom

Is it feasible for you to work and daddy stay at home? Its amazing how well established our sex roles are that even though he is the biolgoical parent you are the caregiver

I wonder if she's feeling like dad is dumping his responsibilities in her lap and the anger is being misdirected?

I wonder if she's feeling like dad is dumping his responsibilities in her lap and the anger is being misdirected?

A good observation..and please try some family counseling.
Sumdancer
www.msgembroidery.com
www.mikessportingoods.ecrater.com

Hi,I'm new in this forum,been looking for the right forum.
I come from Indonesia but I live in Norway now,I married with Norwegian man and we just had a baby,she's almost 8 months now.
My husband has 4-yr-old daughter from his previous relationship.
While we were dating,it was fine,I get along very well with his daughter,she spend time at our place every other weekend only,so only twice a month,and also join some holiday.
But since i have my own baby,i feel different with her,more lik 'hating her'.and it's intense feeling.feel so desperate coz there's nothing i can do about it.so everytime she's at our place,i feel so sick,and really want to get rid of her,specially when she came with her half sister(she has sister from different father,not my husband)her half sister is 8yrs old.
our house is small,only 2 bedroom.so when they came,it's like a chaos,plus they eat alot!!!i have 8mnd babby to take care of,i can't if those kids is around.mostly weekend during the day,when my husband still sleeping until afternoon normally.left me with this 3 kids to take care of.I hate that.is there any advice for me?many thanks

Jennifer, welcome to the forum, we hope that you enjoy your stay!
Rosie

Hi, Jennifer,
It sounds like your husband should step up and take care of his daughter when she's there. He shouldn't expect you to take care of your baby and his daughter while he sleeps. She is his daughter, after all, and thus his responsibility. Also, why is her half sister also staying with you? Have you and he discussed this--how overwhelming it is for you? If not, your resentment will justifiably grow. If you feel that you are just "expected" to mother his daughter and her half-sister, you will probably feel like you're being taken advantage of. I suggest you talk with him as soon as you can, when his daughter and her half-sister are not there and when your baby is sleeping, so you can express how stressful the situation is for you. He may not even realize it. Good luck to you!

You're misplacing your "hate" onto a child who has no choice in the matter. This child is your husband's responsibility and you need to tell him to step up to it. It is normal to feel resentment but do not allow "hate" to flourish because it can be dangerous to you, your children, and your marriage. Talk to your husband and consider family counseling.

Gemini,

I just logged onto this forum today. Wow is all I can say here. I have been dating my fiance for almost a year. He has a 3 yr old son....we get along, then we butt heads, it's never ending. Please allow me to emphasize the point these others are making....THIS WAS YOUR CHOICE! Regardless of the situation that you had, you knew he had a child that he had custody of, whether that child resided with him or elsewhere, you knew that there might come a day where you would have him living with you. How could you possibly blame your husband for his timing on things?! Yes, I think we all wish the children could have come from the current relationship, but they didn't. Have you ever made mistakes that you'd love to take back? Sure....but in your husband's eyes, his child was not a MISTAKE! If I were you I'd tread very lightly with that comment around your spouse. If you want war with him....that would be a good start!

Second, you note in your post that this little boy is an angel and you have no problems with him. You should consider yourself blessed to the utmost extent because that is a difficult age to come into a child's life and not have any problems! There are many days that I wish my soon-to-be stepson was a bit younger when we met. I'd love for him to see me as a mother figure, but I know there is a strong chance that will not happen in my case. We have more of a friendship right now and I will certainly settle for that. The point I'm getting at here is you seem to think you have these problems with the child and the husband....obviously the problem is strictly with you.

I know I may be harsh here and I apologize...really! Nobody's perfect and I'm no expert, but I could only dream of being in your shoes right now with your situation! My fiance and I have an amazing bond, but this meshing the family thing has been tough.

Honestly, I think you need to look at the big picture here! You have a lot to be thankful for compared to others in your shoes. Maybe stop and read some other posts. I'm not sure if your age may play a part here or just the inexperience, but geez girl...embrace what you have! If you don't want to be a stay at home mom, so be it. By all means, do what your heart desires, but stop focusing on your feelings and put yourself in that little boy's shoes for a minute! He is so confused as to who loves him! If you can't be his mother, at least try to be the next best thing. You signed up for it...not the child.

Gemini -it's not the child's fault - but you and your husband should sit down and discuss parental responsibility. He had this child - and when you married him - i assume you were aware he'd had a child? If this is the case - then the two of you should've talked about this BEFORE you got married. Being a parent or step/parent isn't an easy job. Staying at home isn't easy either. Especially when you feel angry at your spouse for something that is out of your control - and the childs. Talk to your husband about what you need. Have you thought of having a child together? Children sense when there are problems - even at 5. Bonding with a child that has been shuttled around -he needs stability -obviously your husband thought you could handle it. These are all things you MUST discuss. Let's say the mother decides to become a part of the child's life down the road? What will happen then?

My husband married me with 3 children (i'd been divorced from their father for 3 years at the time) He became an instant step-parent to 3 boys - 13,10 and 7 at the time. It was difficult for him and still is. They are 22, 18 and 15 now - but the perils of step-parenting is hard. When to discipline or not? I have had to have many talks with the kids about respect etc. There will come a time in this little boys life when he will look to you and your husband for guidance. Because there is no one else - you have to make a decision now to be a part of his life - regardless of how he came to be in your life. Again - something you should've discussed before you got married. Marriage is hard enough -without having to deal with children from previous relationships/exes - ex in-laws etc. Talking and discussing what needs to be done is the only solution. I am sure your husband would listen. He loves you (from what i can hear from your post). Alot of times men don't see what we see - they don't pick up on things. We have to guide them - tell them what we need.

If you want to work - outside the home - there is a solution to that. There have to be compromises made on your husband's part - and yours with the child. You shouldn't feel like you are the only one doing anything to raise this child. Good luck - and my prayers are with you.

I feel for you. You shouldn't have to be a stay at home mom. You need to have a baby-sitter/caretaker for your husband's child. It's HIS responsibility. NOT yours. I have learned this the hard way as I have been a step mom for 4 years to 3 kids full-time. I teach while they are in school and the first few summers I was with them I felt like they were "dumped" on me. They aren't my worry or responsibility. THey are my husbands and his x-wife's kids. They aren't mine. I learned after 2 summers to send them to the Y during the day. You need time alone and then maybe you can establish a relationship with your stepson. You won't feel so stressed out. take care.