BellaOnline Forums Family Step Parenting Manipulative Adult Stepchildren

Well, here goes..I have been reading here for awhile..and I need some help...I married a man who has a young adult daughter( 19 when we met and now almost 22) who lives with us. Her mother died when she was 14. I feel she is manipulative..and lies to get her way...there are way too many issues to get into now..several times she was in my opinion too sexual with her father...we have talked about it and he was uncomfortable with her behavior. I realize there are many issues..I know and understand that. However, I feel there are times to take a stand..for instance, there was a commericial for a show that for lack of better wording on my part..joked about ways to stimulate a women sexually..and my step daughter proceeds to explain to me and her father what they meant and how to do it. Maybe, I am not as open as he is...and I felt it was inappropiate for her to do this...my husband feels I blew it out of proportion...when I asked him what he was going to do about it...he said ignore it. He feels we don't need another disagreement and there is enought tension already. I feel nothing changes if we do not change our own behavior. This is not the first time. I need some help here..please does any one have any imput. I am sorry if this is too long.

I could really use some advise here..... I have two - especially the oldest of my husband's children that are extremely manipulative. His daughter is 21 and in college. She put us through the wringer when we got married with a list too long to go into. She now has figured out how to get even more out of her dad by "acting" as if she likes me and he falls right into it. She never returns his calls and we never hear from her unless she wants money. And it drives me crazy and is starting to cause a problem between us because he always makes an excuse to give in. We pay all of her college, her apartment (paid for two overlapping over the summer because she leased one before the other lease was up), her cell phone, her car, her car insurance and all other expenses when she comes with her hand out. Her mother refuses to pay a dime. The daughter did not ever find a job this summer (of course it is out of the question to work during her school year !) until just a few weeks ago and summer is almost over. At that she only works very part time. I find my husband now just sneaks off to give her money or doesn't call her back in my presence and it really is causing a problem between us. We never fight, this is the only issue we have but it is a big one for me. I feel like I am stuck in the middle. The son has come around some but it feels terrible to not know if it is sincere or he has just adapted the same false affection for me because it gets him what he wants. We pay for out of state college for him with 100% out or our pocket. Their mother will not even pay for clothing yet they lie to her when they spend time at our house in fear of her reactions. It is all very nuts and disfunctional to me. Can someone please advise - or maybe a book my husband and I can read together. This is much harder than I anticipated. Any advise is greatly appreciated.

I totally agree with you on this one. However, I am also in a simular situation and am waiting for a helpful or suggestive response myself. Not sure if I should give you advise when I am stuck myself. Hope we both get an answer soon. I do think that our husbands have some quilt over the divorce so they allow their children to get away with more than they would have before the divorce. Hang in there and good luck to you!

WOW!!! I am so sorry you are experiencing this! I truly think you and your husband need the advice of a counselor before this impacts your marriage more seriously. I will do some research as well and see what kind of resources I can find to help you!

Hi there,

I'm so sorry for the predicament you're in. OOooo, I can feel it almost bubbling inside. I think I just hurt myself. Young adult kids, which will probably be in 5 or 6 yrs. I have to say usually as a joke or group party come for a reading, but end with a bit of a different story when they're through. They are usually fighting the tears, and I just feel so badly. So here goes.

Sadly, you've got a couple of young children adults that have learned, as you've said, how to use people and get what they want. Even sadder, this doesn't seem to be uncommon from what I'm hearing. I'm here to say, regardless of what parents think on providing their children everything is, "Bad, bad, bad, as in no room for arguement, really BAD idea!" I'll fly there in peson and deliver the message myself if need be.

Eventually, and it will be at the hands of the parent enforcing it is, these children stop feeling altogether! Beleive it or not, it's not so much the items they get as the power in their ability to get it. In short, that little light inside dies at the hand of boredom. Depressed, overweight and drowning in feelings of lonliness and the insecurity of never, ever knowing their own self worth and resenting the parent(s) for not providing the tools or pushing them to learn how. One girl in particular comes to mind. She was also in counseling. She killed herself, explaining in detail a great deal of the above. Another parent recently came to me to discuss her son's death. He hung himself, had everyhing but just wasn't happy. So, I'm just coming out and saying this I hope it helps someone, anyone!

As much as the perfected art of swindling someone in youth can feel good, it's just not fulfilling in the long run. Simply put, it's as fascinating as a remote control - always knowing what button is going to get them what.

As relationships develop, each one fails as a result of reality or boredom setting in. Sex or any instant attention getting behavior becomes outwarn, followed by drugs or alcohol to free them enough to up whatever ante they've just recently ventured.

To them it's, "flat-line" as one girl put it - boring because it's always a sure thing. No self-exploration of who they really are or pushing to obtain anything of real worth. Deep down they know this but watch out, unless it's their idea to let you in on it, it's the one thing to them they created and protect it vehemently. It's the punishment for the parent or anyone close - "You won't figure me out. I know what I'm doing" kind of thing. The other side of the coin is extreme neediness.

As for the dad, the only thing that's going to change his, sneaking off to talk to the kids and give in is if your reaction is, that it's fine. The only way that's going to happen is if you sit this man down and not only hash out what it's doing just to your's and his relationship alone, but that the issue isn't that he talks to the kids, but he undermines your value as a human being and step-parent in being nothing more than being used, by them. Ask what he thinks their future holds in relationships or goals for that matter in the future, when whatever situation they're in can't be manipulated or "bought".

Not everyone is going to be dad. Eventually, people figure out they are being used and move on. Ask where he feels that leaves the daughter's heart should this happen? Shopping binges won't do a thing for true contentment or happiness. As DAD, wouldn't he want to give them any sense of this concept now before it's too late?

If you can get through to him, try compromising the little things like cell phone, utilies, etc. and making them their responsability. I worked 2 part-time jobs in college paced out during the week and weekends. These days that's probably too much but if the kids are forced to go without, I promise you, they'll move their own mountains and probably be happier for it,even if they try a few short-cuts in the process.
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Elleise
Clairvoyance Editor
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I found a book that I think will help. I am amazed by it!