BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids I think I figured it out...

Lisegirl - I agree, it seems like the world wants us women to be the same. When I was a kid, I used to look at the guys, and say, "They have more fun than girls. I want to be a boy!"(Actual quote, scared the [censored] out of my Dad, too, since I was only seven) It seems like women are raised to be the 'damsel in distress' and want to be the primary caretakers of their kid(s). I'm not saying that it's a bad thing for those that choose the lifestyle, but for the ones who don't want anything to do with it..They're made out to be aliens and are usually ignored or excluded. Kind of sad, really.

I'll correct myself, not all mothers are weak. I've seen quite a few women who become stronger so they can protect their families, and their friends.

^^^This is true. I can't imagine being a woman, not even for one second.

Actually I'm a bit the opposite in that maybe if it WAS the 50s, no terrorism, overpopulation, global warming extra crime etc I MIGHT have kids but in THIS day and age NO WAY.
Yes though some people DO expect us woman to be as if it were the 1950s but things are different now. Some for the worse some for the better. Yes if I had a choice I think I would have chosen to be male. Oh well.
Freedom is one of my most important values so it's NOT a thing I want to give up.

I do think that one reason I never wanted kids is that I never wanted to have to make a career decision based on the kids. Like, "I'd love to take that job in NYC but...it'll be too hard on the kids." I personally think it's possible to work and raise kids but it's pretty hard to have a stellar career. My parents both worked but my mom could have done so much more with her intellect (a better job). She wouldn't go back to school because she felt it would take too much time away from the family. And a friend was just telling me about a woman (previously a PhD student) who had just given up her job because her son had been diagnosed with a serious illness. Being a mother means making those kinds of sacrifices, and I think that society values that type of sacrifice. Particularly traditional or religious cultures where the true worth of a woman is how much she gives, not how much she receives. A woman's "power" if you can call it that is in her selflessness. It's just not the same for men: society doesn't value martyr men. A successful, powerful man is usually one who will move his family across the country or put in extra hours at work (with the wife caring for the kids). And there is still the "old boys club" who think that a man who wants to spend time with his family, takes paternity leave, etc. is not a hard worker! Of course working mothers face the same problem because it's an old boys club, but the point is in a male-oriented workplace, work comes first.

BTW has anyone read The Feminine Mystique by Betty Friedan? I highly recommend it for its critique of the 1950s redefinition of women as nurturing homemakers. There were some pretty powerful social and economic forces behind this redefinition that you all might find interesting! She interviewed hundreds of women who had graduated from women's colleges in the 30s and 40s and found they were completely miserable as wives and mothers.

That is really insightful.

The thing that really got to me was your use of the word "control." It seems to be a common trait for many of us here, and not so common for the majority of women, that we want to be able to plan and control our lives more than may actually be possible. For example, I've read many posts about worrying about potential birth defects and potential bullying by classmates and other possible calamities as reasons people here want to remain CF. I might wager that darned few of us here are big gamblers.

For as long as I can remember I've taken the long view of things. I can remember a situation where I was six and I was given some kind of token and told that I could use it now and get some candy or a toy or wait and save future tokens that could be traded in for bigger rewards. When I told the lady I'd wait, she looked up at my mother and said "this is the FIRST TIME! I've never had a child save their first token!" I remember being suprised by that. I thought those other kids sure were dumb not to wait and get the better prize- in fact I still think so, but it just goes to show, what was the most reasonable choice to me was the choice that no one else made.

I'm always amazed at the bizarre choices people around me make by not thinking things through. I think as a community the CF are people who consider more deeply than most, and are probably more sensitive to undesireable outcomes as well.

Maybe, but the 50's weren't all they were cracked up to be! Everyone was terrified of the A-bomb and all that kind of stuff. There WERE all kinds of problems, it's just that no one wants to remember it. I think that life today is pretty much the same as it was then - just different fears and problems replacing the old ones. They're not necessarily WORSE problems, just different. I think it just seems that way because we're here, living in the moment.

Things always seem better when you look back on them, because you tend to remember the good things, not the bad. Like with kids. You always hear about the good stuff, not the bad, even though the bad stuff outweighs the good. It's just that you don't want to ACKNOWLEDGE the bad.

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...what was the most reasonable choice to me was the choice that no one else made.
I'm always amazed at the bizarre choices people around me make by not thinking things through. I think as a community the CF are people who consider more deeply than most, and are probably more sensitive to undesireable outcomes as well. [/quote]

Right on with that one! I have always felt different because I make choices (like being CF) that the "normal" people don't. I do think that I think more deeply than most around me - especially the ones who jump into marriage and start popping out kids because "that is what you do, that is NORMAL".

Welcome Chiak!

-Looking forward to reading your future posts... I think you'll find you're quite "normal" here

I am so happy to have found this forum- I had no idea there were so many other people out in the world like me and my hubby!! After joining this site last night and reading so many people's thoughts that reflected my own, I honestly had the best night sleep that I have had in such a loooooooong time!!!
I really think that even just the title of this thread, "I think I figured it out.." is so helpful to others because when someone thinks aloud similar ideas that float around in other people's brains, well... it just triggers a better understanding of self for us all!
Again, I am so happy to found you all in this site! I sure hope I can meet some of you one day!!! My husband and I are actually researching other places to move that won't be so darn child-focused as suburban Chicago sure is!!!! We love kids, but don't love all the jabs at why we don't have any!!

I actually wonder if our having more "control" or "power" to live our lives the way we want is the cause of a lot of our conflict with others. I mean it's been said on this forum before that people with kids are just jealous of all the free time, money, travel, etc. that we get that they don't. But there's always that issue of being CF equalling being selfish. Is it really just that we have more control over our lives? I mean I can get out of the house in under a minute (no one else to dress or get ready), leave on a spur of the moment vacation, and move to a new city (without uprooting someone's school schedule). And as a young girl, I wonder if I saw the power that most men had and how they didn't seem to be bound by family life. I think I wanted that power too, and being CF and having a career I loved were a big part of that.