BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Children *The Only* topic of conversation

I just got back from a camping trip quite depressed...

Every year a group of friends and I rent a place or go camping to have a weekend together/hang out like the good old days. Very mixed group....married, not married, gay, straight, etc.

But everyone but me this weekend was discussing their plans for child-rearing...I stuck out like the only freak in the room. Plus, the one friend who already has a kid (and I love her and her kid) was non-stop quoting her two year old, and speaking in a two-year old voice (I guess to really be realistic about exactly what the child sounds like, for example Boo-berries and Oh-Sh*t instead of ocean) and everyone seemed to be reacting with interest except for me! I mean, one or two stories like that, ok, but literally a child quote every 15 minutes or so?? Come on!

So during the many conversations about the actual child or everone else's planned child, I just tryed to talk about my plans which are to intentionally NOT have a kid...but of course I end up leaving there feeling immature and selfish. My friend was discussing the permenant physical after effects of pregnancy on her body, and since we were being open and honest I said "honestly, I dont think I'd be able to accept that, how do you feel about about it" and I got "Well, I was never vain to begin with" of course insinuating that I am vain.

Ug! It is only going to be worse when the rest of them have kids (and they ALL plan on having them)!

Boy don't I know all about that. Actually, none of my peers with kids would even have shown up for something like that. They all got married to people they don't much like just so they could have kids and the husbands would NEVER be left home with the children or agree to go to something like that w/o making their wife's life miserable in exchange.

Also, these ladies may say that they crave "adult" conversation, but what they really mean is they want to unload about how tough the job of parenting is and then act very superior about how rewarding it is and then tell you a bunch of stories about how cute and special their kid is. They don't want to know about the fun stuff you were doing while they were all sick with some virus their kid brought back from day-care. And they ABSOLUTELY don't want to know about how your husband brought you breakfast in bed and then surprised you by taking you to that antique mall way out in the country that you've been saying you want to visit.

OK perhaps that was a little ranty, but it is true- I am absolutely bitter. My S/O is still able to get together with any of his friends at the drop of a hat, in spite of their children and divorces or their unrepentant serial dating of girls half their age. ALL of my best friends and most of the ladies I know who are my age are completely unavailable and extremely boring due to *shudder* motherhood. It feels like, if you are female between the ages of 26 and 39, you might as well go ahead and bury your close friendships in a small ceremony in the back-yard.

Guess that wasn't real helpful, but then I don't believe there is much hope. It will probably go just as you expect it and get worse.
I hope it doesn't.
Just out of curiosity (if you don't mind my asking)- how old are you?

I'm 30...this seems to be the age. Yeah, I am really worried about that...this annual tradition has been going on for 7 years now and we all swear we will keep it going (both men and women in the group, and they all want kids). But I can imagine that once more kids show up people will be more likely to not show up, or even worse, to suggest that they bring their kids along!

Wow -- that sounds like an awful weekend! I feel so bad for you jvo37!

And I agree with vespertine -- of course no one with kids wants to hear about all the wonderful benefits of your child free life!

I am fortunate that all of my friends my age don't live anywhere near me (I moved to another state) and I have made friends who are a lot older than me. All of my college friends have kids, but since I rarely see them, it doesn't matter.

So while your current friendships are going to be different -- at least until the last kid flies out of nest in 18+ years! -- you can always try to cultivate NEW relationships. I have two good friends with kids who aren't much younger than me (I'm 33). When they do talk about their kids, it isn't about "kid stuff"!

Try this article for some ideas:

Making Child Free Friends
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Yeah -- all the kids were at our last "mini reunion" - but my husband and I didn't go this year. We haven't been in a few years. It is sad in some ways, but I have made my life full in other ways, so while I miss some of my friendships, the strongest ones have survived. Makes me wonder what I had in common with the rest of them, you know???

K

Kim Kenney
MNK Editor

When my friends and I have an opportunity to get together without husband and kids there are a few who want to bring the children along in spirit, but for the most part the rest of us want to take makeup, home decorating, hair and fashion.

The last time we visited we all soaked our feet and tried out some pedicure products. It was heavenly and when one of the women I mentioned started up about her husband and kids when we were in the middle of our foot soak, one of the women told her she was going to stick her head in her foot tub if she didn't hush and let her enjoy her soak! She said it with a smile, but the message was delivered and accepted.

It's not all about child free or not, it's also about being individuals with lives and personalities outside of the role of wife and mother.

I love my kids, but I know that I have to maintain my individuality or I'll be lost when they are grown.

You know I just had a hopeful thought- I've observed an interesting phenomenon. Get a group of young parents together and they will not be stopped from blathering about their kids. Add one or two of the actual children to this and what you often wind up with is a bunch of zombie parents WATCHING the kids, completely unable to focus on anything else- totally tuned into kidtv, so to speak. But (here is the hopeful part)get ALL the kids and parents together somewhere relatively safe and indoors and it doesn't take long before the adults begin to ignore the kids. I guess they feel like they they can let their guard down because there are so many other eyes or whatever. Why does this make me think of that show Meerkat Manor?

Now that I think about it, I have plenty of fresh memories of parents totally pushing their kids away with some disdain and an admonishment of "go play!" in that situation. I am further encouraged by the report of a CF lady I know who actually went on a couples & kids camping trip a few weeks ago. She told me that she almost opted out because she thought it would be uncomfortable since she is both single and CF, but that she really had a good time.

Maybe if you all are really dedicated to keeping up the friendship and the kids are staggered a bit in age you will wind up with a similar situation. On the other hand, the lady I am referring to is CF by circumstance and everyone on her trip was aware of that. It seems to be a divisive thing. I think most people are more comfortable feeling sorry for us as CF by circumstance than they are about understanding it as a lifestyle choice. When it is a choice, and your friends are completely focused on family planning, it is hard to find common ground.

Thanks guys for the helpful comments! When I think about this particular group, I am kind of hopeful...as I said it really is a diverse group in that some are gay, some are straight, some plan on having bio kids and some plan to adopt. So they are pretty accepting of 'alternative lifestyles'are are respectful of me.

I guess I just freaked out because I can't believe that among this diverse group NO ONE but me doesn't want kids. I remember back when the friend with the kid was pregnant, all of the rest of us would talk about how crazy she was for having one (een though she had always been against having one) and how we hoped she would still be able to do non-kid things with us...and now 2 years later the whole group has changed, and suddenly we are discussing child rearing for two days straight! How can that be?! But at any rate, that is how it is.

I agree with the idea that if I couldn't have kids, I'd be getting sympathy, but since it is a choice, I am just looked at as vain and immature. Sucks.

On a more positive note, I have decided to take control of this and do online dating, and only consider men who state that they do not want kids. Narrows the pool, but I am finding that there are people out there! It's exciting!

Oh my God, vespertine33 and jvo37, I am totally in the same boat. I really have to ditch all my friends my age. It's been a problem since I was about 28 (I'm 34 now) that all any of my friends wants to talk about is their kids, other people's kids or the possibility of having kids. It is super boring and you're right about looking like the selfish one if you admit not wanting kids. I find it just shuts the conversation down and everyone just ends up staring at me and wondering how I can life with myself. Not to mention the people who are infertile and are furious that someone like me (without any medical reasons) can decide not to have children. I recently had two lesbian friends announce their plans to go to sperm banks. Both are single, and undoubtedly would have a difficult time being the sole parent. They have completely structured their lives around this decision, as have other women I know who are basically hunting for a guy so they can get pregnant. And I'm selfish?

I've also experienced the people turning into complete zombies when kids are actually included (my in-laws). I responded to someone else's story about this a couple of months back and got very surprised responses from a number of women who claim their friends never act that way. I do remember lots of parents (including mine) telling their kids to "go play" when they wanted to chat with other adults. Frankly, as a kid I found the company of adults endlessly boring. Alas, those seem to be only memories from my childhood before society was so child-centric.

I used to have a lot of male friends which pretty much eliminated this problem (you don't hear them going on about their kids) but unfortunately I've found that most women won't tolerate female friendships with their boyfriend/husband. I'm jealous of my twentysomething friends who still have close male friendships and are spared a lot of the baby talk, and like Kim I've started cultivating friendships with people much older or younger than myself. I'm looking forward to turning 40 when this topic may finally be laid to rest!

don't count on 40. I am 46 and it is not laid to rest yet. oh well maybe 50.