BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids When to announce "I'll never have kids"

I think if you want to say it then say it.
Im different then a lot of childfree people in that I really love kids, particularly babies and young kids. As long as they are someone elses. My chosen career is special education teacher and I work with severely physically and cognitvely impaired teens and young adults. There funcitoning level ranges from 6 months to 3 years and most of them cannot speak do to cognitive limitations and are in diapers. So I have no problems taking care of people. For this reason most people see me as very maternal and think I'd definitely be the sort to want a baby and I definitely dont. Ive told my entire family and most of my co workers I probably dont want kids. I say probably just in case I do change my mind. I see no reason to keep it a secret since I think its a personal choice and Im not ashamed of it. I do always tell people that I love kids becuase it upsets me when people assume everyone who chooses not to have kids hates them. I probably like kids better then many parents for a few hours at least but I do not want the life time commitment which I actually think sucks the fun out of spending time with children

I noticed you said you were unhappy on the pill- I can't tell you how much I regret ever taking the pill- I am SO against it. Anyway, I wondered if you had ever considered getting an IUD. Not the mirena, but one w/o hormones. I got one a few years ago and really wish I had done it sooner. Look around on the internet and read up on it. It is a safe and hassle free form of birth control that would save you the hassle of trying to have surgery and, for me anyway, is a little bit reassuring as far as being able to change your mind. That is, I know that if aliens abduct me and transreverse my brain and I am suddenly overcome with the need to breed all I would have to do would be to have the IUD out and voila- fertile once more.

For me it's been like the magic trick I've learned at my business to get the people at the phone company to leave me alone: when they ask to speak with the person in charge of choosing our phone service I tell them that we are in the middle of a five year contract. They can't wait to hang up after they hear that. It magically ends the pestering about switching phone providers. The IUD has worked the same magic for me. The same people who have no problem inquiring about my fertility and by extension my sex life (when did this become polite conversation??)seem to be EXTREMELY put-off by the the intimate FAQ involving the mechanical device in my uterus. They won't ask again. Period. Makes me grin just to think about it...

I enjoy children, but because of my own emotional and anger issues I decided early on that I wouldn't have children. Then I met and married my husband. He really wanted kids so we started our marriage off "trying", only to find out his swimmers are no good. 2 years of mechanical sex, and now I'm on the pill and can finally enjoy it again. "Trying" just sucked the life out of me, so I feel free now. My husband is happy because I was willing to try for him. And now he really appreciates our relationship as it is...just us two. He got a job working with mentally handicapped children, so he gets his kid-fix, and I don't have to worry about him being lonesome for one.

I just simply told my family that I couldn't have children, that way they wouldn't blame him. They asked if we'd adopt and I told them it's too expensive, and that it'll be a few years if at all for us to save up. We have been saving lately, but the money we've saved so far we're using for a cruise to Bermuda this August! We need some time away from work and everything to rekindle our relationship. I love it, being just us two. And oddly enough my parents call us up all the time to out and do things, or to go on vacations with them...it's really nice, and they ask just us, not my 3 other sisters because we don't have kids. So that is just great!

This could be a good excuse for you to use, if you don't want to be completely forth coming. This statement/reasoning is generally accepted with out too many questions, and certainly no pressure. Good luck, however you choose to break the news.

For several years, I have been telling people "I have a dog, that is enough responsibility for me." It was my gentle way of telling my parents that I wasn't going to make them grandparents.

I'm almost 31 and have decided that I really don't want kids ever. I've been thinking about this a lot during the past year---after I turned 30---and have decided to make this a permanent decision. My aversion to children has significantly limited the dating pool as most single men my age either already have a few or are desperate to settle down and start producing them. My parents are convinced it is still just a phase but hopefully they'll come around.

It's up to you when you tell your family. It's not really their business but families are always interested to know when you will start having kids. The only person who NEEDS to know your feelings on children is your boyfriend.

I tend to tell new boyfriends right up front about my aversion to kids. I don't want to waste their time or mine if he already has kids or knows that he can't live without them in the future.

I've proudly announced to anyone who would listen that I didn't want kids since, well, I could talk! Before I learned about sex I was adamant about not wanting to get married--only because I thought that once you got married you had to have kids.

The problem I'm running into now is...I kept up with my "not wanting to get married" because I honestly felt I would never find the right guy. It wasn't that I hated all men (although I liked to think I did ) Four years ago I DID find the perfect guy, who has now been my husband for three months. BUT....since "changing my mind" on the husband issue, now everyone thinks I'll change my mind about the kid issue too.

I've had a few late periods since being with my husband, and every time I'm in a sweaty panic, pregnancy testing every day and too sick and upset to eat. Each time when I do get my period I nearly cry with relief (till the cramps set in and I remember how much that time of the month really is awful ) I really want to have a sterilization procedure, but being only 21 and in Utah (fyi--baby capital of the world, I'm sure) my chances are frustratingly slim. I would welcome any advice or help!

I'm sorry to make such a long post...I tend to ramble about things that I feel passionate about! As and ending note, I'll leave you all with a fun response to a common "bingo" that my husband and I use regularly! (warning: be careful who you use this with, it tends to invoke a lot of anger!!)

Bingo: "You don't want kids? Oh, you'll change your mind"

"Do you regret having kids?" Of course they will say no of course not! "Oh, you'll change your mind" It makes them so angry, but now they know how we feel when they say the same thing!

I know our society is programmed for 'First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes X pushing the baby carriage', but if you don't want kids PLEASE DON'T HAVE THEM. I know relatives/friends are inquiring in anticipation and their intentions are well meant, but there is no law that says you have to have children. It may take them some time to adjust but a quick refernce to the quality of life for all the unwanted children in the world should shut them up. You have to do what is right for and your signifcant other...I respect your decision and with time they will too

It is so freeing to make the decision to either have children or not. I personally do not think it is anyone's business other than yours and your partner.

My husband had a vasectomy around 8 years ago. One day I made the mistake of confiding in my brother about the vasectomy. I did this around four years ago. My brother never mentioned it again and since I told him this over drinks I figured he had just either forgotten about it or just did not care.

The other week I was down in Miami to visit my family. I was in my parent's house talking to them and my father, who is almost 80 years of age asked me if I was going to have children. When I said that my husband and I did not want children he said that this is because my husband had a vasectomy and pointed to his [censored]. My mother who was sitting next to him started saying that he was crazy. Well, I knew right there that my brother told my mother and she told my father and lord knows who else.

I felt so violated at that moment because I felt that something so personal to me was being discussed. Again, it was my fault for saying it in the first place. In reality no one cares if you have children or not. Sure, they would like to play with the little ones with they are young, but are these individuals going to financially and physically support the child. I think not.

I am now 41 years old and have finally come to turns with being child-free. I realize that it is my personal decision and I do not need to explain myself to anyone. When people ask if I have children I just say no. If they ask why I say I just don't. It seems to quiet them down.

Anyway, graduations with your decision.

Giselle