BellaOnline Forums Relationships Dating Dating With Kids in the Picture...

Would you date someone with kids? I have a friend who is a single mom of a two year old, and she is gorgeous and fun, but it seems as soon as guys find out about her son, they get really weirded out.

She and I were watching TLC's new show "Must Love Kids" the other night, and she was like "oooh man I should have signed up for that one!" It's a dating show for single moms, LOL.

She's having a rough time back in the dating world though. Any suggestions to make it easier? Maybe she should join a singles club or something... although I think she'd sooner gag on a chicken bone than do that (she's too young and "hip")

Personally, I won't date a man with kids. Kids come with exes permanently in the picture. I have had ENOUGH baby mama drama. No more.

I'm very up front when I start dating someone. I flat out tell him: I don't want kids. Not mine, not yours, not ours. If this is an issue, let's split the dinner check tonight and then go our separate ways.

It's a little bit harsh but I'm not a kid person and don't want to waste someone's time if he already has kids or knows he wants them in the future. It limits the dating pool but I'm willing to accept that.

My male friends are hesitant to date single moms for a few reasons:
-they want their own kids, not someone else's
-they aren't ready for kids yet
-they fear they are viewed as a meal ticket to support someone else's kids
-a parent will always put a child ahead of a partner in the relationship which is how it should be but is somewhat unfair to the partner
-a new relationship is stressful enough without it being a package deal that includes kids

My suggestion for getting your friend into the dating world would be to try one of the online dating sites. My experience is that the vast majority of the men on eH or match are wanting to settle down and have kids so they may be more willing to accept existing kids. (eH actually asks if you would be willing to accept existing kids in the originally surveys so she might find plenty of men to date.)

I think it is really good to be open about that (not wanting kids) up front. Because so many people DO make the assumption that it is just in the future, then you'll wind up emotionally invested in a relationship and find out you stand on opposite ends of the children issue. Then someone gets hurt. It is better to know up front.

My (now) husband knew from the get-go I had kids from my previous marriage, and that my oldest had emotional problems (we found out later that it was Asperger's - but he knew what the behavior was). But we also dated for 2 years before marriage, and 6 months of that was doing what we called "family dates" so we could all see what the family dynamic would be like. I not only didn't want to get my heart crushed a 2nd time - but I didn't want to have my kids lose a 2nd father.



We went through pre-marital counseling, too. And this was one of the topics that was brought up. The counselor made the very good point that the husband and wife are the "core" of the family - and so need to be united and strong. So actually it is not good to put the kids before the spouse.

I'm not saying that I would ever jeopardize my children for my husband - but that he and I present a united front for them. We have never let the kids play the "you're just my step-dad" card. I think my oldest child may have said it once (he's 16) and I just turned around and said "ok then" and gave him the same punishment from my mouth that my husband had just issued. Our daughter has never said it at all. (There's still time of course, LOL!)

I just think the big thing for single parents dating is to be real and honest - and to take whatever time they need. It is not that different from dating before kids - you can't go into every relationship looking to make it THE ONE or else you get hurt too much.

It reminds me a little of couples who have trouble conceiving: the harder the couple tries to get pregnant - the more stressed they get, the harder it becomes. So then the couple gives up, adopts a child, the pressure is off - and BANG - they find out they are pregnant. The big relationships seem to happen like that, when you relax and aren't searching for it.

I was a single dad with custody of my kids and dating was hard with that. Women would refer to them as "baggage" on internet sites and such. "I can't date a man with baggage" or "I can't come into a ready made family". I say women because that was who I was trying to date. lol. Men may say the same things but I don't know because I wasn't trying to date them.

I was soon resigned to the fact that I would be single forever. I always said "Well, I may be lonely but I will never be alone." I never once regretted having custody of my kids and then finally met a single mom and married her and the world ain't been the same since. lol.

It is extremely hard to be single with children and date and I empathize with everyone that has to do it today. I will never do it again. If something happened and I got divorced, I wouldn't knock mysel out to date anymore.

I dated as a young single mom with a two year old and I never seemed to have a problem. I didn't throw her on anyone, in fact, I didn't let her meet anyone unless we were serious. Of course the dates knew I had a child, but I told them, you don't meet her unless we are serious. It really worked. The only guy she met was one that I married.

Alas, that ended in divorce, but even so to this day this man is her daddy, he adopted her.

I really respect someone who doesn't want to date someone with kids, it's their choice, and I completely understand, but I never actually experienced that as a single mom, so I am not sure what the issue is.

Maybe we would need to know more about the type of people she is meeting, where she is meeting them, their actual ages, does she expect her child to be with them all the time, and whatnot.

I completely disagree that kids come first.

In a relationship the spouse has to come first, the kids will not be there forever. Usually that spouse is the actual parent, so it becomes more difficult when it's not the parent, but if a partner is picked that cares about kids, and loves kids, then it's not hard to then in turn put your spouse first.

When I put the comment about a child coming ahead of a partner, I was thinking of two situations I've dealt with.

One:
A friend of mine was in a situation where the state child protective services told her they did not want her boyfriend living in the same house with her 5 year old daughter. The boyfriend was not the daughter's father. Both the boyfriend and the daughter have significant mental illnesses and there was a question of inappropriate behavior between them. The state never accused him of molesting her but she had made some comments to a doctor and counselor that raised a lot of questions. My friend would have the boyfriend move out for a few weeks to satisfy the state and then have him move back in. The state caught on and told her she had to decide: dump the boyfriend permanently and keep him away from her daughter or the state would put her daughter into foster care. She chose the boyfriend. I know I was just an observer in this situation but I was absolutely shocked that any mother would choose her boyfriend over her daughter like that.

Two:
I was dating a man who had a 4 year old daughter who lived with his ex-wife. On evenings where the ex suspected he and I might be together, she would call and tell him that his daughter was crying and couldn't go to sleep until he read her a storybook over the phone and told her good night. Of course, she would have the kid all whipped up into a frenzy and she really would be crying for her daddy. This happened several times and he told me that she never did this on weeknights.....only on Friday and Saturday date nights. It was aggravating. But at the same time, I didn't feel it was appropriate for me to ask him to not take those calls when I was there. How do you tell a screaming 4 year old that her dad can't talk to her because he is on a date? He knew his ex was being manipulative but he would still drop everything whenever his daughter called. I ended the relationship and swore off dating men with kids. I just can't handle a relationship that includes the person I'm dating, his kids, and his ex.


Your last comment about the adopting and then getting pregnant made me laugh. That's exactly how it went in my family. Both my mom and my aunt were told they couldn't have kids. Both families adopted. Both families ended up with "home grown" kids a year or so later!

I'm dating someone that has a son (and he's 12 - so he's older!) and at first, I thought it would be weird, but it really isn't. I found out that first night I met him that he had a son. We all get along great though. I was worried about making a first impression and since his son is older, maybe he'd be in that phase and so on, but it wasn't like that at all. I mean, even though my bf and his son's mom haven't been together in like 10 years, there are some awkward times, but for the most part - I even get along with his ex. I found that I was really interested and intrigued by him that I didn't want to pass up the chance with him just b/c he has a son and a "baby's momma". Now, almost a year later, we're still going strong :-)

Oh...and I just saw previews for that show "Must Love Kids" the other day. Good for these women that are going out and dating again! I'm sure they need it!

It's a shame that single parents face many more dating obstacles than their child-free counterparts. Kids from a previous partnership are often perceived as "excess emotional baggage", which tends to be a deal breaker for most.

Looking on the bright side, though, at least this helps single parents to weed out those people who obviously wouldn't be right for them anyway.